Not the fucking Razor Ramon pyro at Charlie Kirk’s funeral

Watching Next Gen Chef, chefs are competing at the CIA. First challenge is to create a menu based on the CIA graduate you’ve been assigned to emulate. There’s a team assigned “Anthony Bourdain.” If their first course isn’t “go out into the alley and do this bump” then what’s the point of this?

“Tickets are more at the door, but you can save $5 by preordering tickets, with a $5 eventbrite fee!”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a they, asking you to send in your music

Whoever is running the gay 90’s EDM party on Myrtle Ave called “Aphex Twinks” -Bravo. No notes

It’s 6:30 am. I just had a nightmare where I was riding a citibike, but couldn’t find a dock, and the people trying to help or impede me kept getting more and more annoying until I seriously thought about harming them. And I fucking realized that I wrote the NYC adaptation of Satre’s “No Exit”

Yes, a more famous guy than me also got engaged this week, but I don’t look like a cop that turns his body cam off

The internet has ruined me, because some plumbing magazine had a headline “Keep These Baddies Out of Your Drains,” and I was expecting some kind of goth plumber girl photoshoot.

LEAKED TRACK LISTING: 1. Changing in the walk in 2. Creepy DJ 3. Why won’t you work this sex party for $50? 4. Exposure 5. Teaching after 3 months 6. An uber is what?! 7. Toilet selfie 8. You’re so brave

Me explaining to my plants that there is a limited number of spots in this NYC apartment, and if they want a spot, they need to start succeeding out here in the garden before winter

The new MasterChef season is all duos. If this isn’t 50 minutes of people yelling “you’re in my way” this is TV bullshit

So many of my friends were born to be on cars in hair metal videos, just 20 years too late.

Guy on a gaming forum: “it’s not set in a small town! Small towns don’t have monorails!” Me:

There’s uncomfortable, then there’s your partner looking at you for singing the Irish songs in Sinners uncomfortable

If im staring off during conversation, it’s because You is back on Netflix and I’m doing the Joe voiceover in my head again.

Just found out that a guy at the firehouse has a brother that runs a crane company called “Reliable Erections”

Watching 3 Body Problem, and I’m like “it’s crazy that this group wants to go outside, so they just hang out at The Cliffs of Dover.” Then I realize that I can just look at the Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge, or Central Park whenever I want. Don’t lose that sense of wonder.

I know times are tough right now, but Fyre Fest 2 is taking place in 49 days, and hasn’t announced a single act outside of former Steelers WR Antonio Brown. Tickets start at $1,400, and they were forced to move to a different venue, after Isla Mujeres claimed to have no knowledge of the event.

Get me to god’s country

Anyone that’s beaten Sid Meier’s Civilization on Prince difficulty or higher could run a better economy than this 😂

Life in your 40’s- “this storage unit place is playing my jams.”

Rewatched Terminator 2, and the bomb going off turning playground equipment into the 4 Horsemen is such an underrated shot.

It’s been 40 years, and if you still put “Space Balls: The (noun)” on something, I will laugh

“We should call the show Strip Patrick’s Day!” Me, scribbling out the word “Potussy”

So US service members are now getting directly attacked to defend Israel’s right to deny food and medicine to Gaza. This after the U.S. brokered and guaranteed an agreement in which Israel promised it would let in food and medicine.

“So there’s this jacked half-dead guy that spreads disease, and is actually controlled by the worm in is brain.” “So there’s this guy in the shadows that manipulates leaders, and it all stems from his huge inferiority complex.” I’m pretty sure America just took notes on this…

“Celebrities you didn’t know were related!” You mean “even more examples that everything is nepotism?”

Feeling absolutely spoiled with the level of talent that we get to put on stage.

I love the meme and all, but when the fuck did Pokémon have guns?

I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve made fun of D.C. and Toronto a lot, because of their histories of electing actual crackheads as mayors, but if NYC is really running a Cuomo vs Adams primary, I should just shut the fuck up.

Just booked a flight to Ireland. Throwback to the night when I got my first kilt (made from my expired fire gear)

Bluesky is fine, but I really feel like the tech world is underestimating how much an Instagram replacement would be embraced by the anti-Meta crowd

TikTok is weird. I’m just trying to get people to my shows, but I’ll wake up and find out that a video went viral in Russia, and wake up to 100 comments in Cyrillic

It’s above 40 in NYC, which means the outdoor gym/gilfriend shrine is open for the first time this year

“I really love how you take safety seriously as a producer…” “Yeah, awesome, look I’m gonna need you to put this on if you’re gonna be on stage.”

*punches drywall*

“The Gorge” cinematic universe. What other geological features would someone try to cross to fuck Anya Taylor-Joy doing a moose and squirrel accent?

Turns out this just leads to an injury law firm, not an Italian dominatrix

Drake is dead.

There’s a convent near my firehouse. Each nun gets assigned a fireman to pray for. Today, I pulled a nun from a stuck elevator, and she says “you’re [government name]! I recognize you from your picture. I’m your prayer partner!” It was really sweet. Anyway, tonight I’m hosting a pop up strip club.

Grabbed a newer guy that wasn’t doing anything outside of a fire to come help me cut the roof. He’s never done that before. Later, as he’s walking away: “You took my roof virginity!” Me: “please don’t ever say that again.”

As a government employee in a union, I can’t believe anyone would be dumb enough to give up their civil service protections to take a buyout from two guys who are famous for not paying people. Two guys who legally CAN’T pay anyone for these buyouts, because the money hasn’t been appropriated

Hey! I have a series on my IG called “Shirtless History.” Its a self-explanatory concept. I didn’t feel right about doing Black History, so I got my girlfriend to jump in. Anyway, here’s how the first black fire company invented the fire pole- www.instagram.com/reel/Cgm--J5...

Saturday Night is a good movie if you’ve ever run a live show. But, the real joy is seeing Cousin Greg from Succession keep showing up as Jim Henson, trying to be deadly serious about puppetry, while the cast keeps leaving muppets in compromising positions with notes that say “fuck rags for sale”

My girlfriend’s wig got held up in the Chinese package suspension. A direct quote: “people are talking about taking up arms, I’m about to take up these hands.”

The author of the single greatest podcast in history; one of the few whom I would consider it an honor to be interviewed by, is on Bluesky and I had no idea! Follow Dan, he’s finally breaking his silence about the new regime. Hopefully we’ll get a new Common Sense episode

As we all reread the constitution, I would personally like to focus on bringing back Letters of Marque, which are still constitutional in 2025

I’m going to be honest, I’m finding it harder and harder to see the point in trying to live a day to day life in a failed state. And I’m doing pretty well for myself.

I know exactly one veteran who doesn’t love Trump. He still might’ve voted for him, but every other vet I know has a Trump flag, or posts diatribes about how the illegals are coming to make your kids trans. They’re also completely dependent on the government. They voted for this