How I sit, when the lock on the bathroom stall door is broken

Mary has her little lamb, but Amanda has her pies

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree” is my favorite way of saying “you’re wrong, but I’m tired”

ME [as a kid]: *I’ll never be a grumpy old man* ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Me, after adding some leftover cold cuts to a frozen pizza #food

Happy Sunday!!!

Welcome to your 60’s. You ask your friends if anyone brought their readers, because you can’t read the menu and for the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is the worst .

My only houseplant watching me pour water in my coffeemaker

I’m now at the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

So is this still an “excursion” ? Or is Trump declaring nuclear annihilation of 90 million people now considered a war ??? #Iran

I feel like I would enjoy "waking up" more, if I only had to do it, like maybe 3 times a week

What the fuck is going on with Doritos in Japan?

Happy Easter !!!

I want to thank Ballroom designer, Trump for his spiritually uplifting Easter message.

People who workout in the morning, are like this for the rest of the day #gym

April Fools Day has been canceled this year, because no prank can outdo what is actually happening. #trump

People who argue in public, I secretly love you ❤️❤️❤️

Hope everyone is having a better weekend than Tiger Woods

Me blocking someone

I guess i can’t be upset, I did ask for a “blueberry” muffin and not a “blueberries” muffin #food

Next time someone asks you how you slept, close your eyes & say “like this” and then just stay that way for like 8 hours

A raccoon surprised the fuck out of me in the garage this morning and now I know he’s talking smack to all his raccoon friends, about how he made the human drop all the shit he was carrying.

I forgot what I ate for dinner, so I smelled my beard. yup like I thought, fish, fries, beer, motor oil, balsamic vinegar, gravy, cologne, tooth paste, ice cream and bleach, maple syrup, spaghetti, shampoo, fried chicken, gasoline,,,,,,,,, #monday

Art tidbit - In 2015 the Mark Rothko painting "Yellow and Blue" sold for 46.5 million US. - Rothko had a hard time of letting paintings go. He made a habit of interviewing some potential buyers, if he did not like them or it didn't feel right, he would not sell them the painting.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly, but carrying around a bag of dog shit on a beach walk is a close second

Today I’m wearing pink, to show solidarity with those who forget to separate the reds from whites in their laundry.

Happy St. Patty’s Day!! I like it when the Irish explain that they only get rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. Like, For example, when they celebrate dinner.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day !!! (celebrating with a traditional St Patty’s Day breakfast)

Ok, I have some good news aaaannd I’ve got some bad news

Her: “I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake, you never, ever admit when you’ve made a mistake!!!” Me: *stirring coffee slowly * “I prefer it with salt”

My wonderful Lola #dogs

Fack!!! Looks like they’ve unionized! #dogs

Damn time change, I had to go around and fix all my clocks

Shit, my stomach is making really weird noises...I'm gonna go ahead and send some bacon down there to check things out. #food

I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the daylight saving time thingy, had something to do with it.

With all this war and negative stuff going on in the world, sometimes we just need a calming picture of a sunset

I’m excited to be on this journey with everyone to save daylight. #monday

Found an old photo of me and my mom out jogging together

Watching the Strade Bianche Race with my bikes, so they know what’s expected of them this season #cycling

How do I gracefully leave this dinner party early, but also take the cheese dip with me?

Now with the prices of everything going up, I’ve just started my new fashion line. (Preorder now, American customers add 100%)

Nature Tidbit A veterinarian closely examines the talons of a harpy eagle. To give you an idea of the scale, this raptor’s claws reach up to 10 cm (4 inches) in length—comparable to those of a grizzly bear. But even more impressive is its crushing power: enough strength to crush bones instantly.

This year just keeps getting dumber and dumber. I think we’re 2 weeks away from seeing Tiffany Trump presiding over the World Economic Forum

Monday!! UGH!!

Feel that ? that’s from sharing dumb posts every day #sunday

Follow me for more tips on how Not to peel hard boiled eggs #saturday

On bath days, Lola looks at me lovingly and thinks, “when fat boy falls asleep, I’m gonna eat his eyes first” #Dogs

German chocolate cake is just regular chocolate cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s #food

Ummm? No thank you, mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way

You know who isn’t in the Epstein Files ? ,,, Juan Epstein