GUY TIP: if you’re girlfriend or wife yells out “THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP!” and you haven’t done anything, don’t respond with “YOU’RE WELCOME!” #holidays

I love Christmas Eve, because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Donating plasma today to make room for more food. #christmas

I’d be really skinny if it wasn’t for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Easter, Thanksgiving, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Weekends and Me.

Holiday tip for the guys; It's officially time to start thinking about Christmas shopping. -Not quite time to shop yet but definitely be thinking about it.

Holiday tip: Please remember to take your frozen turkey out of the freezer to thaw in time for Christmas.

Jake Paul and Andrew Tate both take a beating and both lose. The world is healing itself

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Actual photo of my conception

Well, you see, Timmy… when 3 santas love each other very much… #Christmas

Serious Question: If one of your friends is telling you a really sad story and their eyes are starting to water, how long should You wait before taking a bite of your sandwich

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone, is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K. #movie

For years I’ve been telling my friend David, that he’ll never make it in Hollywood. Tonight he proved me wrong, well done Dave, well done! #movies

Watching the Titanic: Rose knew Jack for 194 minutes and straight up murdered him in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean #movies

Me, looking at my bank account transaction history and realizing everything adds up and nobody stole from me. #christmas

I just overheard a guy answer a question with “I don’t know, I was in Budapest”, so that is totally going to be my “Go to” whenever I don’t have the answer to a question. #lifehack

Finished my new puzzle, great holiday gift idea (Too soon?) #Christmas

Me, 5 minutes after putting on the movie I’ve been wanting to watch.

1 more thing off my “to do” list, I finished hanging the Missile Toad #Christmas

Last Christmas, I gave her my heart But the very next day, she gave it away This year, to save me from tears I'll give her Mop Slippers

I had one job to do and its done ✅ Tree is up One step closer to Christmas 🎅🏼 JOY!!

Judging by all these reality TV shows, millions of people will do anything to get on TV. I've decided to start casting for my new TV show : “So You Think You Can Shovel My Driveway, Canada”

What the Fuck did you do in Maryland Jack????? #Dogs

Fack!!! Bad spot to stand when taking this pic

But you’re still coming to work, right?

You too can have that stylish Trump hair, all you need is a 1kg jar of peanut butter. If done properly, you’ll have enough left over for lunch.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There's vomit on his sweater already: Mom's spaghetti He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out

*hand touches hot stove* MY BRAIN: “GET IT OFF NOW NOW!!!” *mouth eats hot food* MY BRAIN: “CHEW FASTER. BALANCE IT ON YOUR TEETH, JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. WAVE YOUR HANDS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH, DON'T SPIT IT OUT!! DON’T BE QUITTER !!!” 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

I always feel a little sad for the guy who misses a belt loop on his pants.

If you blacken out the teeth of Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, they look like the two happiest Beach Hobos ever!

Well, looks like the invisible penis season is upon us again #winter 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

[guy who invented windshield wipers] - make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Congratulations America. Looks like democracy still has a heartbeat 💗. Maybe one day soon we can be friends again. Sincerely, Canada 🇨🇦

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the same shoes I wore in high school. #health

Art Tidbit: “We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone” -Orson Welles Art by, Andrés Colmenares

I’m not quite sure I want an extra hour of 2025

Weird Tidbit: Causes of death, London, 1632. 11 people died of grief, 1 of vomiting, 470 of teeth #history

We hardly had any kids come to the house,, weird ! #halloween

Halloween tip: If using the sheet directly from your bed for your ghost costume, avoid parties with blacklights.

Blake Snell always looks like he just got pepper sprayed #WorldSeries

If I was a witch, the first spell I would cast would be to make Ruby’s farts smell like Cinnabon’s. After that, I’d focus on evil shit. But first the fart/Cinnabon thing. #dogs

At this time of the year , I stand in the front yard, pointing to the trees, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn, a stern disapproving look

If the Blue Jays win the World Series, Trump will put the tariffs up another 1500%. #baseball

It’s important for me to get my car washed with unicorn jizz before I put it away for the winter

If they ever made a movie of my life, it would be a lot of me looking for something to wipe my hands on.

Jumpin George, the JAYS did it ! Vladdy jr. and the boys are going to the World Series (Making his Pops proud) !!!! 👏👏👏👏👏🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦❤️❤️ #BlueJays

Ontario, isn’t messing around with their new commercial. Let’s go #Canada 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦 youtu.be/hN_CVvzExpM?...

Movie history tidbit : Isabella Rossellini and Martin Scorsese on their wedding day, 1979. I’m a huge film buff and I had no idea that they were married… #movies

The US has ICE; here in Canada we have NICE to greet visitors on the Halifax waterfront. 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

Well done, mid October 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦 #Canada