Huge career news I was the bluefin tuna that fetched a record $3.2m at a Tokyo auction.

One day they will invent a computer powerful enough to sing "AI Slop" to the tune of "dirty pop" but until that day I am forced to do it myself.

What you don’t seem to understand is that these bags exist in a liminal space between messenger and tote. Over the shoulder, yes, but also large.

Last night I finally fulfilled my 2025 new year’s resolution (timed the dishwasher so it beeped exactly at midnight)

Getting my fool's errands out of the way first so I can do the smart guy's errands later.

Damn, Paddington knew the whole time

Ah yes, penguins. The Christmas flamingo.

Insane that Jack Black has made one movie where he teaches kids about rock music and like five where he is trapped in the jungle.

Gaston: "5 dozen eggs please." Grocer: "Sorry, The Beast just came in and bought them all." Gaston: "Then just gimme all of your chickens." Grocer: "I don't have the chickens." Gaston: {Panicking} "Okay then just gimme some eggs so I can make more chickens." Grocer: "Buddy..."

{In the theater watching Atropia} Where the hell are the fox and the bunny?

Spent all my Chanukah money on manuka honey. Truly a gift of the magi.

If Bert is Bertram and Ernie is short for Ernest then Bernie should be short for Bertrarnest.

I have eaten the marshmallows that I bought when I thought "fuck it, I'm buying marshmallows" and which you were probably thinking "a grown man should not eat that many marshmallows." Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and now I've simply to barf

Me: Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring tingle tingling too Backup Singers: Ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding! Me: Ring ting ting bing ting bingaling bing bing tingabing biiiing Backup Singers: {getting worried} Ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!

alright buddy that's it the gloves are coming off okay the gloves are off here we go the gloves are off and my hands are cold buddy my hands are so cold and chapped okay that's it the gloves are going back on

Scarecrow: "Woe, for I am made of burlap!" Dorothy: "..." Scarecrow: "BURLAP, Dorothy." Dorothy: "..." Scarecrow: "Of the titular burlap sacks. Yet I am not a sack, Dorothy, but rather a sort of BURLAP MAN." Dorothy: "I-" Scarecrow: "I have heard of burlap sacks but this burlap SUCKS, Dorothy."

I am Jim Fingerling perhaps you have heard of my potatoes.

No I'm not "in therapy" I'm "donating my brain to science"

Paparazzi bombarding RFK Jr.: "MR. JUNIOR, MR. JUNIOR, IS IT TRUE YOU DID IT ALL FOR THE NUZZI? MR. JUNIOR!"

Food and trucks, finally teaming up!

Son can you play me a memory I'm not really sure how it goes But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete When I wore a younger man's clothes Give me your clothes, you're the younger man Give me your clothes tonight I am old and I no longer like my clothes So give me your younger man clothes

He said the thing!!!

Robot: {being carried away} "WHICH. ONE. OF. US... IS.THE. REAL... ROBOT???"

Slow pouring my tap water like some kind of faucet barista.

I was hired to write the theme song for Pluribus but I got fired after I sent in a recording of me yelling the word "Pluribus" over Van Halen's "Panama."

Taking a bite of regular corn and letting out a deep sigh as I stare longingly at the framed photo of candy corn that rests on my mantle.

Happy anniversary to my worm costume

Here is an article I wrote about being a ghost. Read if ye dare. danielspenser.medium.com/twelve-thing...

The real Halloween decorations were inside us the whole time (skeletons)

Imagine going in a mansion and it is a haunted mansion. Truly a gift of the magi.

{"Glycerine" voice} 🎵Don't let the daaaays go byyyyy Mr. Bean🎵

Showcase your love of shirts with these shirts I sell... AND MORE! daniel-spenser-shop.fourthwall.com

Tron: Ares promises the franchise's biggest Tron yet - over ten feet!

the Doc Ock hospital scene from Spider-Man 2 but it's just wood.

Kid: "One ticket to the G-rated movie, please." Cashier: "Sure thing, kid, that'll be- Heyyy, you're not half a guy in a regular coat are you?"

I only shoot on film (the film that appears when you leave pudding out too long)

CANDY AND CORN TEAMING UP TOGETHER AT LAST

Come on down to Richard's Orchard where your first Richard's Orchard Order will be borchard porch dorched oh norch I cantch stornch

I have so many files on my computer, I'm a real filephile.

Aside from being AI, Tilly Norwood is a nepo-baby. Her dad was one of the computers in The Social Network.

Oh yeah, how about you say that to my face? Say that in my face. Say it right in my face at my nose. Say it in my nose. Come over here and say that into my nose if you're so tough. Scream it into one of my nose holes, big shot.

Buddy if you're afraid of a skeleton i've got bad news about who is driving your guts around

Alright, fine, here's my PTA film ranking: 1. The Master 2. Punch-Drunk Love 3. The Muppets Take Manhattan 4. PTA's Big Movie 5. Phantom Thread 3D 6. The Muppets Take My Office 7. The Muppets Are Banging Down My Door 8. Thunder Gulch Revisited 9. Phantom 3read 10. Sports Bloopers

{skin turning to flannel} Fall?? A scoff!!! You mean 𝒶𝓊𝓉𝓊𝓂𝓃????

"What if I told you there was a cure for baldness..."

In a city of world-class artists and production crew hunting for the next gig, Andrew Cuomo made a TV ad the same way he wrote his housing policy: with AI. Then again, maybe a fake Cuomo is better than the real one?

This is exactly why I chose to become a cartoonist instead of a general.

"WEBINAR" in a heavy metal font

Duffel bags are already great, they don't even need to be filled with dirty money!