Knicks in the finals AND a new Interpol album? New York City truly is the greatest country on earth.

Skeletor is a grim reminder of what would happen if skeletons could be buff.

I don’t want to crawl in a hole and die, I want to crawl in a hole and live in the hole. Maybe put a couple shelves in the hole. A rug.

Nice try Itsy Bitsy Spider but I am not pronouncing “again” that way

{Getting into the minutiae of something} This gritty is nitty as hell.

It took me and my team of grad students years but we have finally discovered an even longer division.

New worm anthem just dropped ❤️

Here's to you, sauciers. Thank you for figuring out which foods go with which goos.

I have made the difficult and lucrative decision to pivot to AI. www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4hE...

It is nice to finally see these robots doing what they were built to do.

Bro, everything you touch turns to shit. Bro, King Midas would freakin' HATE you, bro.

Chef Gordon Ramsay was my father. Please, call me Regular Gordon Ramsay.

Artemis II: Houston, we are now flying by the far side of the moon, the farthest from Earth any human being has- wait a second, what is that? Me: {on the far side of the moon just trying to shit in peace for once} Ah, Christ.

First day as the social media manager at NASA! Wish me luck!!

If you like eating chocolate covered matzo, wait until you hear about just eating chocolate.

Glenn Boozan wrote a book and I got to illustrate it and it was very fun. "At Least You’re Not an English Major" is available now! Please buy multiple copies so I make a million dollars and/or just keep me in mind if you ever need illustrations.

I was hired to write a song for Project Hail Mary but I got fired after I sent in Eleanor Rigby with the "Eleanor Rigby" part changed to "Project Hail Mary."

Buddy i don't give a shit WHO you are, if you get in my face I'm gonna try to be friends.

Millennial me whenever a song starts in Love Story

You've all seen the video of the McDonald's CEO struggling to stomach his own "product." Well we here at Denny's are clapping back by eating our CEO.

My Oscar prediction is that they are gonna do a Marty Supreme opera/ballet and call it Timothée Chaballet.

Ahyuck guess the joke was on me devotin' my life to the practice of visual arts hyuck gawrsh oops here I got again bein' compelled to master a craft

Finally, a podcast that dares to ask the question "why am I sitting like that?" www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rg...

A new post from my illustrious unillustrated newsletter welcometowormfarm.substack.com/p/let-me-use...

Okay so this next character is called Italian Rob Schneider... "Makin' gnocchies"

{Walking in Memphis voice}

Move over Succession, Industry is my new favorite show where I have no clue what the fuck anyone is talking about.

"Where was the Geese-level hype when Yuck was around?" is a question I just asked out loud.

Here is a drawing I did of the Simpson's house

Ice hockey is cool but wait until you see fire hockey at the summer olympics

How about an Olympics for movies, huh??? I don't see people giving out trophies for Best Movie????!

Pretty easy to blast your tunes from the safety of your little booths, DJs. Why don't you present your tastes to me on the ground like an adult???

Hello friends/enemies/neutrals, I've been thinking a lot about what the world needs most right now and have decided to start a newsletter where I post "comedy" things I have made that I did not know what to do with. It is called Worm Farm and here is it: welcometowormfarm.substack.com

Feeling hot but i'm not gonna trot about it.

Welcome to Bistro Boys the only podcast where we tell you if a restaurant is bistro with us on the pod today is a plate of spaghetti bolognese

my favorite thing about working from home is drinking a big ol' glass of water and being real sloppy with it.

This event is insane

It's not nice to tell someone you hate their guts but apparently it's also weird to tell someone you love their guts?? Staying guts-neutrals from here on out.

Me: How about sandwiches for lunch? Co-worker who watched a documentary last night: "Wow, this is just like the Morrill Land-Grant Act of 1862."

In the time before man, hogs from the Seven Kingdoms roamed the earth. Groundhog, Skyhog, Seahog and Spacehog lived together in harmony to create the seasons. Now only one groundhog remains and must bear this burden.

The only "Big Game" I care about is the ten feet tall deer with a human head who ruled over the woods connected to my backyard when I was a kid, am I right?

Hello my name is Dan Spenser and I'm reading for the part of Skeletor the skeleton in Masters of the Universe... "NYEHHHH!" Thanks so much, appreciate the opportunity

Writing a Harry Potter show is the easiest thing in the world it's 98% people exclaiming "WELL DONE 'ARRY."

My favorite part of Hamnet is when Shakespeare says "I am inspired to invent a way to order hams online" and then he grabs his Macbook Air and starts coding furiously.

Only thing you gotta know about me is i love stunning visuals

As we speak some horror auteur in Hollywood is coming up with a new kind of ghoul. I shudder to think!!

Huge career news I was the bluefin tuna that fetched a record $3.2m at a Tokyo auction.

One day they will invent a computer powerful enough to sing "AI Slop" to the tune of "dirty pop" but until that day I am forced to do it myself.

What you don’t seem to understand is that these bags exist in a liminal space between messenger and tote. Over the shoulder, yes, but also large.

Last night I finally fulfilled my 2025 new year’s resolution (timed the dishwasher so it beeped exactly at midnight)