BREAKING: Three presidents have died on July 4th giving Donald Trump rare opportunity to make America’s 250th birthday greatest celebration of all time.

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For those of you who don’t read books: The United States of America was founded by immigrants and refugees, built by enslaved people and the working class, and is currently populated by all their descendants; a fair number of whom seem to have forgotten where they came from.

BREAKING: Despite his claims Donald Trump did not in fact speak with Teddy Roosevelt as real Teddy Roosevelt would have kicked the ever loving shit out of him.

If you have a problem with birthright citizenship you have a problem with the Constitution.

BREAKING: 2026 Los Angeles Lakers looking more like Los Angeles Lakkkers, amirite?

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Actually read a few pages of this book I brought on the plane and I’m taking that as a personal triumph.

BREAKING: Rapist in Chief refuses to pay rape victim despite becoming wealthiest American president in history.

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Truly there were more people at my two year old’s birthday pool party than there were at Trump’s MAGA state fair.

When Trump loses, America wins.

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Old enough to remember when the Supreme Court confirming a rapist owes his rape victim millions of dollars would most certainly end said rapist’s political career.

BREAKING: White House announces Americans can expect their DOGE checks and decreases in gas and grocery prices just as soon as Donald Trump pays E. Jean Carroll her $88 million.

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WELCOME, BUT BE GOOD!!!

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TWO. Happy birthday, Montana!

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BREAKING: Republicans tougher on pond scum than pedophile scum.

No betrayal feels as quick, cold, and cutting as when Costco stops carrying a product.

Destroyed the garden. Fucked up the pool. Throws loud, obnoxious party on the front lawn with all his shitty, racist, domestic abuser friends. Donald Trump is literally the worst tenant EVER.

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BREAKING: United States Marines, formerly one of the most elite military forces in the world, now easily defeated by flu virus.

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Trump’s America Water for data ✔️ Water for AI bullshit ✔️ Water for algae ✔️ Water for drinking ❌

BREAKING: Donald Trump arresting Reflecting Pool “vandals” like OJ Simpson looking for “real killers.”

SWAMP THING.

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Happy Father’s Day to everyone trying to turn children into compassionate, considerate, and caring adults we can all be proud of.

BREAKING: Donald Trump signs executive order renaming Reflecting Pool to Department of Algae.

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BREAKING: White House orders Pentagon to deploy Reflecting Pool algae in attempt to reopen Strait of Hormuz.

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I SURRENDERED!!!

BREAKING: Following his disastrous handling of Iran War surrender, Donald Trump reportedly writing new book “The Art of the Kneel.”

BREAKING: Donald Trump has unique opportunity to make this best Juneteenth ever.

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BREAKING: Commander in Bone Spurs loses war he started.

Even algae be like yo fuck Donald Trump.

BREAKING: RFK Jr. proudly declares drinking algae water from Reflecting Pool can cure syphilis, erectile dysfunction, and most forms of cancer.

Anyone who feels threatened by a labradoodle has absolutely no business patrolling our streets. #ACAB

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s Department of War not very good at it.

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If you feel like you don’t have enough puke, piss, and shit in your life then parenting may be just the thing for you.

Eat the trillionaire first.