Is it just me or is the pick n mix kinda giving Saddam Hussein’s hiding place?

Opened a jar containing a loose egg on the train and created an argument between the couple in front over who farted. Happy Valentine’s Day x

Wishing a very happy birthday to the stranger whose ID I have memorised until the end of time

His friends call him Solstice

Asked my hairdresser if she ever considered entering the Olympics for curling and she earnestly said no so I guess I’ll be having a quick nightcap of bleach before bed tonight x

Emerald Fennell getting a little too cocky for someone whose name means Green Herb

Sometimes the lowest hanging fruit is the tastiest one x

Confident I’m the first person in my bloodline to see an indie film at an art house cinema in Hackney while eating turmeric and manuka honey flavoured popcorn

Her range is unstoppable

Really hope the movie is bad so my Letterboxd review can be ‘More like Wuthering Shites’ and it’ll get two likes but that’ll be enough for me

Unfortunately bet into #BeastGames and have nicknamed one of them Protein Stath Lets Flats

First moderately deaf member of the PPU without Fungie. Always the hardest.

I call it Spencer & Marks sometimes just to feel something yes I fear my joie de vivre has left and will never return why you ask

If you watch it again but it’s not quite as good it’s called Reheated Rivalry

Saint Brigid loved a bargain. She was always buying Imbolc.

St Brigid’s Day is the one day a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it

Thanks so much for all the kind messages today♥️ Really means a lot. And if you haven’t heard yet - yes it’s true. I changed the hoover bag!!

Chemists should do a Too Good To Go bag. Lip balm, lil pick n mix of antibiotics, face masks and such like. I could be happy.

Tryna hide the bags under my eyes with concealer

So many A$AP Rocky song titles tell the tale of a good Catholic wedding

When I worked for a female-focused lifestyle website many years ago I made a meme that said 'I'm not doing dry January until the weather starts 🤪' and unfortunately it absolutely killed like the engagement was off the charts 😔 anyway thinking of those 'Ugh so true' huns today x

Prue has stepped down. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @

My friend Éimhear broke her Fimhear 😔

I was part of the catering staff at Brooklyn Beckham’s wedding and they made us sign NDAs but they expired at midnight so I’m ready to share what happened: I served Victoria a carbohydrate and she called me a ‘Silly little famine girl’ then pinched me in the boob.

Brooklyn Beckham going crazy on the Jeremy Renner app right now

750th Enoch Burke arrest without Fungie. Always the hardest.

My purity ring is finally ready 😍

Forgive me, they were delicious #TheTraitors

I would’ve used my meeting with #TheTraitors to ask if they think the Tesco Clubcard prices system is fair bcos it’s a racket and we need the numbers to upend it

The itsy bitsy spider suffered from cognitive rigidity and needed help, not mocking by way of a whimsical nursery rhyme. In this essay, I will

Crazy that psychologists can still make a living while mindfulness adult colouring books exist?

Congratulations to my physics teacher’s niece and therefore my close personal friend Jessie Buckley on her Golden Globes win.

Someone from Cork telling you they’ve had a busy day

I would’ve asked #TheTraitors if they were having a nice time and also if they fancied anyone x

No need for a murder tonight bcos Ellie was absolutely buried with the Bland title #TheTraitors

HR joining the Friday 4pm meeting that was suddenly put in your calendar #TheTraitors

Just had a nosebleed and my first thought was wow the Stranger Things marketing is good this year

Cardi B’s full name is

A walnut whip implies the existence of a walnut nae nae

Shroves already in the shops, Christmas is barely over!

Do you think in Marseille they have jumpers that say Waterford

Christmas always the best dinner of the year 😍

Merry Christmas all x

First draft of the word ‘orgy’

I have eaten the holy infant Forgive me it was so tender But also very mild

Don’t know much about aeronautical engineering - is this good?

One like and I’ll shout ‘WE FORGOT KEVIN’ on my flight today

What you drinking tonight will I get you a

Well I thought it was funny