inui : are you sure you made the right choice picking me? benkei : i don’t make mistakes, seishu. i do crosswords with sharpies and never learned the shortcut for undo. inui : it’s command + z. benkei : don’t need it. won’t use it.

sanzu : are you this rude to everyone?! ran : yes. ran : don’t think you’re special.

benkei : what are you two arguing about this time? senju : he’s always using common phrases incorrectly! takeomi : cry me a table, senju.

baji : why are you throwing so much shade at everyone? emma : because i can’t throw rocks without getting in trouble.

taiju : i don’t have an anger problem, i have an idiot problem.

hanma : we are a great team because we are different. kisaki : true. i am always right, and you are always wrong.

shinichiro : i’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kids menu. what a stupid age i am!

rindou : i love kakucho but there’s no one who would benefit more from smoking a little weed.

sanzu : hey, koko, do you want to help? koko : oh, i wish i could, but i don’t want to.

senju : [fills a water gun with printer ink] senju : i don’t even need a nintendo switch to have fun.

takeomi : pick a number from 1 to 50. wakasa : 20. takeomi : we won’t speak for 20 days. wakasa : wait, let me pick again. takeomi : okay, fine. wakasa : 50.

mikey : [staring out the window] draken : what are you doing? mikey : the tv broke, so i’m watching a couple break up across the street.

yuzuha : when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting. you know that rush? hakkai : no. no, see, when i first meet somebody it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.

souya : do you think birds get sad because they don’t have arms? hakkai : do you get sad because you don’t have wings? souya : [chokes up] every day.

chifuyu : do you need a hug? inui : haven’t i been through enough?

ran : here is my wall of inspirational people. kakucho : is that … a picture of you? ran : yes, i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself.

ryusei : what’s your biggest fear? chifuyu : i am very arachnophobic. ryusei : you don’t want spiders to get married?

izana : [hugs shion] shion : [not moving] i’m very lost and afraid. izana : as you should be.

mochi : quacking in my boobs over this. mochi : QUAKING* mochi : BOOTS* fuck.

hanma : wow, you want to hold my hand before marriage? how awfully lewd of you. chifuyu : we literally slept together yesterday. hanma : that’s nothing compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

takuya : you’re overthinking this. yamagishi : you don’t know the appropriate level of thinking. what if i’m underthinking?

senju : sure, i may have been “assigned female” at birth or whatever, but at school i was often “assigned homework” and i was bad at that too.

taiju : can’t you be quiet?! i’m trying to think. yuzuha : don’t worry. doing anything for the first time is difficult.

shinichiro : i love you. benkei : i love you more. shinichiro : i love you the most. takeomi : i’d love it if you wouldn’t do this in the groupchat.

chifuyu : HAPPY BIRTHDAY! takemichi : thanks, but i was kind of expecting a girl. chifuyu : seven years we’ve known each other, and now you don’t want to see me jump out of a cake? you insult me!

shion : my life has become a never-ending game of “illegal or just frowned upon?”

baji : do you ever think about these things before you say them, or just … ? hanma : yeah, i do. hanma : i think “wow, that’s brilliant, i should say that out loud” and then i do, and it’s spectacular. it exceeds my expectations.

shinichiro : izana, wow, you’ve grown! izana : actually, i’m wearing high heeled sneakers.

senju : so, what happened? emma : [talking about hina] well, first she told me she liked how i looked and then we had a little … eye contact. senju : eye contact? i hope you were using protection.

ran : [at the beach] what are you doing? south : [sunbathing] i got to keep the tan up. south : it’s not a skin color. it’s a lifestyle, ran. south : see you wouldn’t know that because you’re white as a ghost. south : you’re haunting this house with your whiteness, ran.

takemichi : what’s the worst that could happen? [cuts to everything going wrong immediately]

chifuyu : some people are afraid to be cheesy. i live my whole life on the charcuterie board.

sanzu : that’s a bad idea. ran : yep. sanzu : i’m assuming you already did it. ran : yuppers.

kazutora : hey, what do bees make? baji : i know this joke, but i love you and want to follow through. baji : honey. kazutora : yes, dear.

yuzuha : finally! where have you two been? hina : we had to do some planning, and then we had to go eat, and then some stuff happened, you know. yuzuha : your shirt is inside out. emma : that’s the “stuff”.

mitsuya : say what you want about taiju, but if a toddler handed him a fake phone he would answer it.

benkei : not everything on the internet is true. shinichiro : so there aren’t beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

kazutora : you know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that told us we’re not good enough? kazutora : well, mine was outside my head bringing me to school.

mikey : i don’t feel like giving you up to the bed sheets. draken : why are you trying to compete with the sheets …

akane : girls will be like “if i was a geographical feature i would be a selenite cave” and you’re just supposed to be able to figure out what that means. yuzuha : what’s not clicking?

kazutora : stop being an ass. baji : you are what you eat, tora.

izana : i get really offended when people tell me i’m going to hell for being gay because i feel like they’re overlooking all the perfectly valid reasons i’m going to hell.

mochi : so given rindou’s attraction to inui- rindou : how did you know about that?! mochi : uh, i have eyes?

hanma : okay. here are the ground rules. hanma : you can punch me, kick me, pull my hair. i am a-okay being stabbed. chifuyu : hanma : bitting and scratching are on the table. you can use fire- chifuyu : these are the ground rules? is there anything off limits? hanma :

senju : happy bride month, emma. emma : do you mean pride- senju : [getting on one knee] did i stutter?

koko : constantly torn between “my sexuality is none of your business” and “god, i hope they don’t think i’m straight.”

shinichiro : where do we keep the pride flags? i’ve been looking for 1 hour already and nothing. wakasa : who knows, let’s just put out the twister mat and call it a day. shinichiro : you’re a genius.

yuzuha : can i buy you a drink? emma : i have a boyfriend. yuzuha : [counts out her money] yuzuha : he can only get something small then.

chifuyu : it’s pride month, you know what that means! takemichi : i get to eat as many skittles as i want? chifuyu : what? no! what has senju been telling you? senju : [walks in, pouring skittles into her mouth] taste the rainbow, bitches.

rindou : a couple years ago, my brother took a totally humiliating picture of me. then he posted it on facebook and refused to take it down. rindou : it got 927 likes. rindou : meanwhile, there’s not one embarrassing picture of him. rindou : even his mugshots were good.