Finally finished my blanket and got the photo I wanted!!!

I went to the theatre today with my Dad to see Miss Saigon, it was amazing! I very nearly fainted though while waiting for doors to open to get to our seats. Got to the floor in time but was scary and embarrassing. First time it’s happened in public. I don’t think I can fight this at home.

I am so so incredibly anxious right now. I know it’s because I start ED treatment tomorrow and am terrified but literally nothing I’ve tried so far has helped calm or distract me. I can’t stop wriggling and moving, I keep screaming out but it’s just not releasing. /1

What a crazy couple of days. Utter meltdown yesterday at GPs and continued sat in the car not safe to drive. Eventually got home safely. Today, sickness review meeting with work, hopefully near the end of the process. Yet, I’ve written my first uni essay for my Masters!!

I am so fed up of advocating for myself and not being listened to. I can’t do it anymore.

Impressed by efficiency of 111 this morning! Filled in online questions and now have an out of hours GP appt at 1:15 at my local hospital! Now desperately hoping they don’t send me on to A&E at the bigger hospital…

Just got up to get a drink from the kitchen, collapsed on the hallway floor (Victorian tiles so very hard! Thankfully fell backwards and landed on my bum). I’ve been dizzy frequently but this is the first time I’ve not managed to catch myself. Scared.

Why is everything so difficult??? I’m getting somewhere with starting therapy for my eating disorder BUT having been asked to arrange a medical monitoring appointment with GP asap, GP has just responded to say no, they’re not commissioned to do that.

When you make a formal complaint to CMHT in which you are explicitly clear that you are unable to manage phone calls and that all correspondence needs to be in writing AND THEY PHONE TO DISCUSS!!!!! It’s a good job I’ve not put any hope at all in the complaint achieving anything meaningful 🤦‍♀️

I ordered some bits from Tu at Sainsbury’s, delivery due yesterday. No update, no delivery, live chat kept closing down on me. Messaged this morning to find it was delivered to my neighbour while I was at book club! Would have been helpful if they’d told me, and which neighbour 🤦‍♀️

Beginning to recognise how much anorexia manipulates and twists all of my thoughts. After my brief admission a couple of weeks ago I was determined things had to change, it was getting dangerous. I took about 10 days to focus on rest, nutrition and fluids. It was gradually getting harder.

How do people cope when they go completely non-verbal alongside extremely slow response times? I’m meant to have an appt at CMHT today (for useless DBT skills that I’m actually trained to teach anyway!) but really can’t deal with it, or cancelling it.

Today is the day… occupational health appointment at 2pm 😬 I highly suspect this will result in the end of my job. I’m kind of ok with that now but had wanted to complete the fellowship. Genuinely not sure I can anymore. Very anxious and scared.

Being ill is a job in itself. I planned to have a really quiet week this week and to just rest. Checked my calendar: Mon: haircut, too late to cancel Tues: Occupational health appointment Wed: blood test Thurs: counselling Fri: psychiatrist Then kids staying Sat-Wed!!! So much for resting!!!

So so glad to have spent an extremely lazy day at home today. I utterly crashed this afternoon for a bit but perked up again later. Definitely need several days like today to start to recover. The crochet blanket is growing slowly and Pepsi is loving all the fuss and attention.

Finally home! What a palaver that was, and a rush against the clock to collect meds from the pharmacy before it closed at 6pm after the ward messed up the prescription but swore they hadn’t 🤦‍♀️ I’m definitely getting better at advocating for my needs! Now to do absolutely nothing except snuggle Pepsi.

When a hospital consultant sees you cry and it ‘confirms’ their opinion that you won’t be able to cope at home so need to stay in hospital for mental health assessment at the least… When will they understand that I’m totally overwhelmed by the environment and will cope better at home. #Autistic

Trying to hide from the horrendous light in here. Still on the medical assessment unit, been here since 11am. I am being admitted but still no treatment plan. The Dr told me at 2pm that they would give me fluids and not seen anyone who knows anything since! MAU closes at 1am so I’ll move somewhere!

Trying to gain some calmness from Pepsi this evening as I stress out. GP has arranged an appointment at the medical assessment unit at the hospital tomorrow morning which may lead to a medical refeeding admission. Part of me hopes it does, the other part is terrified. Taken a diazepam.

I was worried around 3-4am this morning that my eating disorder is out of control when I was woken with cramp in both calves which I’ve not had for years (and has usually signified low potassium). Got up around 7 and no, no need to do anything about it/ make any changes, all’s fine. Stupid brain.

Saw the associate psychiatrist again today - apparently he caused controversy within the team by leaving off the old EUPD diagnosis. We discussed it today and he said he’s sticking to his guns, I do not have EUPD. The rest of the team have treated me so badly.Why do professionals hate EUPD so much?

A few weeks ago, I didn’t think today would come. I’m going away with my Dad for the week. I’ve been so unwell recently I couldn’t even think about this and never thought it possible. My Dad will probably drive me mad, even the train journey feels like it’ll be too much, but I’ll soon be by the sea!

After all that time in A&E and missing an entire night’s sleep, I slept for 2 hours late afternoon yesterday and then slept 9 hours overnight- amazing compared to the average 3 hours a night I’ve been getting recently. Despite that, I am utterly wiped and planning a day of nothingness in pjs.

Counting down until Starbucks opens and I can get a nice hot drink… it’s been a looong night and still more hours to wait…

In for a long night at A&E after chest pain got stronger and more frequent 😢 Finally been triaged after 1h40 wait, then ECG and blood tests… now a long wait for results and a Dr I guess. 🥱

Yesterday and today have absolutely wiped me out. Thinking about and looking into a different plan for the next couple of years or so is messing with my head. But, I’ve applied for a part-time MSc (distance learning) and drafted a letter for work as I don’t think returning will be realistic…

Today has been the first day in months that I’ve actually been able to think about a possible future, a different one than I’d previously imagined, but even being able to think about it is HUGE! I hope this is the first baby step towards recovery… but still a very very long way to go.

I’ve just ordered a new (second hand) phone, does that mean I intend to carry on living? Or is it just a ruse to make me think I do for now???

Argh, cut now bleeding through dressing. Don’t want to go to A&E again 😢

Managed to have a bath and wash myself for first time in over a week but also couldn’t resist hurting myself. Crisis haven’t called like they’d said they would, feel totally deserted and unworthy of support by all services.

At what point do I give up waiting for a 2pm phone call from crisis team? So so anxious 😬 Why does no one in services understand???

Decided to get out of the house and walk to my favourite place this morning (bit of a trek, about 6km each way). My ducks are most certainly not all in a row like they are here on the reservoir!!!

My Dad’s requested a Mental Health Act Assessment for me as CMHT aren’t even seeing me because I can’t phone them so have no idea how bad things are… Been given a GP appt for 11:15 this morning. Scared.

Thank goodness for my small group of friends, one who basically kept me alive after talking to the cmht manager earlier, my Dad who came round soon after and my friend I’m now staying with tonight. And having you guys on here. I’m absolutely broken but just about being held together right now.

When you write a letter of complaint to cmht in which you explain both the difficulty of phone calls, and of constantly speaking to new people- and the response comes as a phone call from someone you’ve never met before. I ASKED FOR A RESPONSE IN WRITING FOR A REASON!!!!!

I just can’t today. Last night was really rough, ended up going for a long walk until it was dark as I didn’t feel safe at home alone. Texted lots with Safe Haven too. My daughter is coming to stay for a couple of nights from tomorrow and yet my mood is rock bottom despite that. I don’t get it.

Exciting day today watching my Aunt do a tandem skydive (aged 70!) 🪂 3 hours sleep last night and the day has not started well, anxiety through the roof which doesn’t tend to hit until later. Hopefully just because I know I’ll be out of routine today.

So the increase in quetiapine to 75mg was meant to make me sleep (previous experience of trying 50mg gave me one night’s sleep, the first night). Result? Just over 2 hours sleep in total. Guess I was right to be skeptical. Not impressed.

Just turned up to my appointment an hour early, I had 10am for it in my calendar. Why don’t they send text reminders anymore then I wouldn’t have been in such a rush this morning?

And now one of my cuts is infected… antibiotic cream to the rescue.

There’s something special about waking up to the dawn chorus ❤️ it was lovely to sleep in my tent, nice and cool too. Might repeat tonight. I woke up many times but also had some dreams which hasn’t happened much recently.

I actually had a solid 3 hours sleep last night! It doesn’t sound much but I’m celebrating as compared to the exceptionally broken sleep I’ve had recently, it feels good to have a solid stretch. Maybe diazepam will allow me to nap in the day too once I’ve collected it from the pharmacy?

I’m home! That must be the quickest A&E trip ever, and the most amazing lovely mental health nurse prescriber. We have a plan now of regular diazepam 5mg to get me through to my medic appointment on Friday 🤞

At A&E waiting for mental health team. On my own. Problem is there’s no where remotely quiet so I’m sat outside but that just increases my urge to run.

GP e-consult submitted. Told them I need face to face, not telephone and preferably with a female Dr. See what they come back with…

I really really want to hurt myself right now. I’m chatting with safe haven but they’re taking a good 15-20 minutes to reply to each text. Anxiety is going through the roof. I just can’t do this.

Finally managed to finish this rainbow zebra, over 2 months after I first started!

Wondering whether it’s worth asking GP tomorrow if they can help me access support… at least I can contact them without talking on a phone!!!

I’m not sure if I can keep going but all support is accessed by phone and I just can’t. Saw my counsellor earlier and she was really concerned so is speaking to cmht on my behalf to try to get me a crisis home visit tonight. I’m absolutely broken.

My son is staying with me at the moment while his guardians and sister are on holiday (he didn’t want to go). Got the best news today, he’s staying until Thursday, I thought it was only until tomorrow 😊🥰