If the products burn to apply, that's good, right? My skin is the enemy and I have to punish it for disobedience. #skincare

Happy pride, degenerates! Gay Christmas only comes 30 times per year. #pride

Mr Stark, my tummy feel crazy.

Remember: if you kill yourself, you don't get to join the black parade.

Kleptomania, although admittedly I'm unmedicated rn

Flo Rida, Vanilla Ice, and Kid Rock. That's the remaining lineup. Celebrating 250 years of America with the musical equivalent of a hexagonal cardboard bin at the Dollar General full of washed up DVDs.

Bro I cannot even begin to comprehend what this means. Is she slapping that choccy moose on his schmeat? Is it laced with something? WHY DOES SHE NEED TO LEAVE THE PLANET!?

HOLY SHIT THIS POST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK I THOUGHT HE DIED

If any of y'all are ever making a phone, something to consider- I have never once wanted a notification from my photo gallery. That's where I put pictures, I don't need it to speak to me too.

Hey 🥺 We- *sniffle* We did another *sniff* ... it's another security update, I think. 😥 Can... can you- *hick* I just- I really need ur data 😢

DON'T SCROLL PAST THI- ah, who am I kidding, I ain't on no one's damn feed lmao

Someone oughta do something about you. 🫵🙂

Now that I think about it, the whole "Avocado Toast" thing is hilarious. Like bro, that is bread and cheap produce. I am simply applying heat to half of a single ingredient sandwich and these fucking crypt keeper land lords are telling me to eat dirt and put that $0.60 in an IRA. Like what?

Apparently sharing your youtube TV password with a buddy is... *Checks notes* Ah- defrauding the company and stealing their intellectual property. Ben Shapiro is a turbo virgin.

Btw, when you're at a 4 way stop, there's no such thing as being nice, I appreciate the gesture but for real- Stop trying to wave me over. It's your turn. Drive your damn car. You're holding us all up.

Hardcore auramaxxing rn (migraine)

Getting subtly peeved when I stealth pass around strangers because my bad mental health wants people to confirm every self depreciating bias I have.

Idk who needs to see this but- Did you know that the toilets in the public bathrooms ALSO flush? that's right, just like the one you have at home! same lever too, it's pretty crazy.

Saying "ha, ur mom" at the giant nuclear missile screaming towards my state capital so I can have the last laugh.

My phone carrier has me on hold RN and their music choices are BAFFLING. Solid mix of Johnny Cash style old time country music with the occasional 2010s Christmas song. Absolutely unhinged.

In the pussy hacking through her bush with a cutlass and a blunderbuss

Either I'm a puppy girl or I'm getting fucked by a puppy girl but one way or another, I got that dog in me.

*me, 4 hours into the rap battle* -sniff- where'd you.. uh- get those -sniff- sunglasses? The... sunglass store? 😥

Bro you're not the only one who had complications during your appendectomy okay? It's not a competition.

for the last time bro i'm not going to endorse your campaign in my homies discord server.

the loser urge to book a vacation house alone just to play video games in a nice place on someone else's couch for a few days.

In this economy, if I ever find a quarter behind some kids ear I'm keeping that shit.

I hate that all public swimming pools only go like 5ft deep. Bro you think I'm some kinda bitch? I'm trying to have a subnautical experience here.

I'm going back to the bottom of the food chain if y'all are hungry

Anything you can't solve with angry feelings you can likely solve with an angry orchard.

I may be drunk on a rainy Monday afternoon, but is it really a problem if I'm sad?

Okay okay I've posted into the abyss for long enough. Time to say goodnight to myself. Goodnight Jade, remember to get your car inspected tomorrow okay?

I'm offering a 14 day free trial to share your toothbrush. If you're not completely satisfied I'll return it, no questions asked.

An enemies to lovers story arc between me and the phone charger I have to hold a weird angle.

I don't even want to secrete my hydrating mucus membrane layer anymore. What's the point.

One of these days I'll be popular enough to play wordle.

You don't understand, gasoline is only expensive right now because they started putting protein in it.

I simply refuse to touch grass at this point. The floor is lava and the lava is grass.

I'm sorry CeraVe, but I'd never actually heard of a "ceramide" before I started buying your products. It sounds fake. "Try my new product GooperVe, with 3 ESSENTIAL goops."

"🤓 May the fourth be with-" *shakes you like a can of spray paint*

Olde gods good, new gods bad.

Some of those that work forces, are the same that ride horses.

Listen, Amazon. I really don't want to be using you at all, but if I must for something obscure, can you stop asking me if I want to buy fresh fruit every damn time I put something in my cart?

My shitposting feed is finally back, and thus, so am I.

❗ REMINDER ❗ 04/23/26 Did you throw your brick at a fascist today? 🫵

"Sleep" must sound like such a stupid word to non-english speakers. Gleep glorp ass word.

Just so you know, there aren't any overalls at Ross or Marshalls, in case you were planning on going later.

*boggles ur knees*

Why can I only boggle minds? Why can I not boggle other things?

Rubbing that bean so fast I got her screaming in braille