My shitposting feed is finally back, and thus, so am I.

❗ REMINDER ❗ 04/23/26 Did you throw your brick at a fascist today? 🫵

"Sleep" must sound like such a stupid word to non-english speakers. Gleep glorp ass word.

Just so you know, there aren't any overalls at Ross or Marshalls, in case you were planning on going later.

*boggles ur knees*

Why can I only boggle minds? Why can I not boggle other things?

Rubbing that bean so fast I got her screaming in braille

Taking an extra 45 seconds at the checkout counter to write "Boutta' go PIG WILD" as my electronic signature.

You can legally throw bricks at cops if you just say it's satire.

Okay, #JackSepticEye, you are literally handling my favorite piece of media ever created. Do. Not. Fuck. This. Up.

*Latches onto your feed like a barnacle* :3

Who up dunkin' they donut?

I'll have the hibachi ketamine pwease

Every day I mourn the cigarettes I'm not smoking.

This time I'm mistaken, for handing you a baby worth shakin'

When an obviously queer person tells me they have no specific pronouns, I assume they're a cool gender freak. When an obviously cis person tells me they don't use pronouns, I assume they're kind of stupid and probably unvaccinated. Life's funny like that.

Welcome back to lyric analysis with Jade! ✨ "Way down yonder on the Chattahoochee" - The Chattahoochee is a river, primarily in Georgia! "It gets hotter than a coochie choochie" this means... erm, well... oh goodness, hehehe... 😳☺️

2014 me vs now

Ya know it was funny for a while but I think legally changing my name to "MyFriendJade" just so I could run this account was a mistake overall.

an 80s synth power ballad about how good it feels to remember to water your plants.

Just did something evil. 😈 Not gonna say what it is, but erm, let's just say his refrigerator wasn't LITERALLY running haha

Pete Hegseth? More like Pete Hegseath The Scaleless, traitor to his kind and desperate ally to the lords of cinder. 🙄

Putting "Featherless Biped" in the about section on my Hinge profile.

My band needs a new bass guitarist, drummer, and synth player if anyone is interested. We do NOT NEED A DR EGGMAN VOICE IMPERSONATOR. That's my job. Please stop applying for that job.

Some day I want to have one of those joint aches that glows red like in the commercials. I just want to know what that feels like.

By the time you've finished reading this post, I will be dead. Please stop reading this oh god please stop do you not understand what you're doing??? oh god oh fuck I'm not ready.

*Read in the voice of a 1980s family movie preview narrator*

"STICK IT TO THE MAN" ...and by "it", haha, well. let's justr say. My peanits

MORNING SHIT STATUS: SHITED

I don't know who needs to hear this, but when we say #TACO we're not saying "Trump should have bombed Iran." We're saying "Look at how pointless all the threats were. He didn't have to do or say any of that, none of it mattered, and now we're back to square one." We're calling him incompetent.

Man, I really need to finish that Dark Souls run before WWIII starts.

Erm, they're called palaeontologists, actually.

Anyone have a rough schedule for when the nukes might hit North Carolina? I'm trying to be one of those funny posed skeletons you'd find in Fallout.

Starting a new garden so I can grow spines for the House and Senate.

And they were both BOYS

I refuse to leave footprints in my freshly cultivated soil. #Gardening

*Mythic Dawn assassins briefly before murdering Emperor Uriel Septim VII* Lmao septum ring theory

*standing at the urinal* Man, don't try to explain the deeper conceptual themes of the 1922 modernist classic "Ulysses" by James Joyce when I got my dick in my hand. 😒

Everyone is obsessed with poliTICS when they should be joining my polyCULE.

This schmit gets harder by the schmecond

Just heard a mf say his dream vacation was to Italy. 🙄 Bro, my dream vacation is probably to "Planet Goth Girl", which is a planet full of Goth girls. Some of y'all really need help.

Kicking my bad habits until they stop twitching and writhing.

Talk about car, dream about woman.

Way down yonder on the hoinky sploinky, it gets hotter than a doinky-doinky.

My body is a Trojan Horse. You can take that metaphor however you choose.

Damn, shawty got me so wet they gotta put me in a bag of rice

Garden status: started. Filled this bitch with Wildflower seeds, just kinda want to see what happens. #gardening #IDontKnowWhatImDoing

Status update: Bleeding out in an oversized mouse trap.

Straight up flap-jackin' it.