Temporarily retiring the Omega in favor of this fuckin’ bad boy Ashley got me for our anniversary.

Busy day at the office.

Setting aside whatever the point of this is, what an absolutely dogshit bit. The entire MAGA movement is made up of the dumbest people you’ve ever met in your entire life. Just a bunch of perpetual D students. No wit, no brainpower, just a fixture full of dim bulbs.

I don’t have a lot of tips about fatherhood being only three weeks into this deal but the one tip I’m absolutely militant about is that you should get somebody to buy you a stand-alone bottle washer because that shit is literally saving my life on a daily basis.

As a gentle reminder James Comey put Trump in office and also put Martha Stewart in jail so it’s fine not to care if he is getting fucked over now.

Ash and I watched “Adolescence” today and man. Stephen Graham was really something. Say what you will about Netflix but sometimes they hit homers.

Kind of surreal that a government official was caught taking a $50,000 cash bribe and there's not even a question that he will continue serving as it nothing ever happened. Like even the most basic standards of public accountability are a joke.

I updated my Estate Plans this week because amazingly it had not occurred to me to have pyrotechnics at my celebration of life which will now be set in a professional sports arena. As Jesus would have wanted.

Having now had some time to think about it I still don’t feel bad and in fact think it was a very predictable thing to happen as a direct result of putting other people in harms way.

I am 100% certain Donald Trump has no clue at all what autism is. I promise you he thinks that Down Syndrome is autism. And critically, thinks apparently that comes from Tylenol.

Actually not interested in Kamala Harris hot takes in the year of our lord 2025.

I would genuinely rather watch the entire thing disintegrate than show grace to these folks in 2025. Like I’m sorry if you did it for the second time you don’t get the grace. Not on the menu actually.

Every single player on my fuckin fantasy team just forgot what football is this week. Had one hope, Lamar, to not be a complete bum today, and this game is going how it’s going.

Genuinely hate Tom Homan’s Baby Huey ass more than most of the people in this administration

Just set up a 529 account for the kiddo - good news, if I put $500 a month into an investment account with an average 8% ROR I’ll have enough to pay for half of her college in 2044. Spectacular country we have here! No notes!

I’m happy & smiley thinking only legally sanctioned thoughts here in this land where thoughtcrime is harshly penalized.

Ilhan Omar on Nancy Mace calling on her to be deported and her motion to strip her of committees: “Yeah. I mean, she's really disturbed and demented person. I hope she does get the help she needs.”

I WOULD LIKE TO ISSUE A STATEMENT. IT FOLLOWS.

MAGA dipshits hold one consistent position challenge level impossible. What happened to cancel culture and free speech? I thought that was the whole thing? This is a white man, for Christs sake!

Justin Bieber and Sabrina Carpenter are playing Coachella. Unrelatedly I bought tickets to Coachella last night.

JD Vance is such a little bitch lmao

We’ve not had any paper towels at my house for the past five days and it’s ruining my life.

Online banks are the way of the future and then somebody gives you cash. Fucks the whole thing up.

I shaved my beard for the first time since 2018 for a costume contest this weekend and now the Face ID on my iPhone doesn’t work on anything lmao

Happy to say I had some folks come through for adverse employment action the other day on account of their social media posts about the thing and absolutely nixed it because we’re not doing that here.

Momma wanted sushi. Like for months, wanted sushi.

“You have no idea what you have unleashed” really sounds like the conciliatory “there’s no place for violence” discussion a bunch of morons have been breaking their backs to have this week.

I did a side project for my dad and he overpaid me inadvertently. Love being a part of an MPRE hypothetical.

Some mid-level manager had the gall today to ask me who I spoke with in management to approve a $12,000 settlement to ensure they felt it was proper. As a reminder, I am the GC of the company. That’s not how this works.

all i know is that normalizing debate with fascists has only facilitated the rise of fascism.

Pop, Six, Squish, Uh Uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

This whole thing has been so weird. Vibes are extremely off. Can’t put my finger on it but something is…amiss with the responses.

24 years ago today, 2,977 people who didn’t deliberately antagonize and rage bait an entire population were ruthlessly murdered, and real-life, actual heroes stood up to save as many of their friends and neighbors as they could. And that’s really what I think we should be talking about today.

This is the take. “Arsonist suffers third degree burns” isn’t going to get my flag to half mast idk what to tell you

😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏

Best part about running a one man legal shop is you plan 8 months ahead to have a light 2 weeks before your kids due date and slam the two before to give yourself some breathing room and what you end up with is a clusterfuck that means you go back to work 12 hours after coming home from the hospital

Some damn good tennis on today.

So Ashley’s in labor etc

I had to get a re-up on my TDAP with the babe being only a few weeks out and this thing has fully kicked my ass.

I need this so bad. rochester.craigslist.org/boa/d/caledo...

I’m not engaging in the discourse because I genuinely cannot afford to let myself get that happy with the possibility I shouldn’t have been that happy to begin with. It would kill me.

I don’t know who the attorney is litigating this case against Cardi right now but they are objectively terrible at the job. She’s fantastic, looks amazing, always a Queen, etc etc but also that’s some really, really bad lawyering.

Wheels up, Denver! 🛫

I am going to drink this 777 dry. United is going to have to adjust their Q4 projections after this.

Whenever I’m at the corporate office I like to use the bathrooms on the second floor as opposed to our floor because that’s where Raytheon’s offices are. It’s the little things.

The Cayenne is at the dealership today for some routine maintenance. The good news - there is nothing wrong with it. The bad news - they’re recommending $5,000 worth of additional work.

I have to fly to Virginia for an urgent “Executive Leadership” meeting tonight which sucks but what does not suck is that I got upgraded to first on both legs and the flight home is on a triple seven. They’re going to have to drag me out of that seat when I get home.

Congratulations to Travis Kelce on eventually replacing Lindsey Buckingham as the most hated ex in all of girldom.

I am mediating a claim today for a gentleman who is alleging he was discriminated against because he is white. I have about $3 to offer.