Billionaire: My great-grandfather was homeless like you are. And look at me now! Homeless Guy: Yes, look at you. All those years have passed, and you’re still as ignorant and vulgar as a homeless guy!😃

Two Wise Men (to Third): No, you idiot! You were supposed to bring Jesus Frankincence, not Frankenstein! Monster (tap-dancing): Puttin’ … on … Ritz! Baby Jesus: Ha ha ha! This is the best gift ever!😃

Man: God, how can you exist without ever having begun at all? God: Suppose I were to tell you that it doesn’t matter two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Here I am, I’m God, I’m good!🤗

Ajman Local (reading a travel brochure called “This is Sharjah”): Ridiculous. No one ever heard of Sharjah before!🤨

The infamous Fomor of Irish legend arose in Argyll (Lochlann) from a mixture of Picts and Tartessian settlers from south Spain. Their first king was Fintan, the son of Cessair and Bith. He went mad and thought he was a salmon. His mother Cessair was struck by lightning in Lough Neagh whilst fishing.

And the Olympic Champion for Autumn Leaves is once again … Chappaqua, New York, with Aspen taking the silver, and the Catskills the bronze! (Cue in “Horace Greeley, We Love Thee!”🎶)

Lauren Boebert: Will you vote to re-elect me? Voter: On one condition. Can we go to the movies together?🤭

Mace: I can’t believe that Boebert did something rude with a man in a movie theater. Taylor-Greene: Oh, she did! I was sitting three feet away, watching the whole thing!

The Hebrides are named after a tribe called the Ebudii, who were an ancient mixture of Iberians, Gaels, Picts, and Ligures. Their name meant “the victorious ones.” They were the descendants of the Fomoire of Ireland. Their relatives the Epidii lived in Argyll and were horse breeders.

The American people have the excuse of Ignorance to elect Trump the first time. But to elect him a second time is Insanity, there is absolutely no excuse, and this will be a big black mark on America’s name forever. And I can blather on about this endlessly and no one cares. They just shrug it off!😠

First Guy: I hate the arrest videos on YouTube. You have to watch the arrestees do all this crazy distasteful garbage, and they all get away with it! In the end, they all get away scot free with just a tap on the wrist! Second Guy: So? Trump had a coup, and he didn’t even get a tap on the wrist!

Donald Trump: I am going to invade Greenland! World: Help! Somebody stop him! Donald Trump: I am going to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge!😉 World (finally catching on): Wait a minute!🤨

Mr. Rogers: Can you say state-sponsored criminality? I like the way you say that!”

Human: God, why do I exist? God: Sorry, can’t help you. I’m still trying to figure out why I exist!🤔

Revolutionary Veteran: I nearly got killed fighting to get the British out of America, and now I am very poor! Rich Americans: Thanks for making us the New Kings! Get to work! Veteran: This is unfair! Rich Americans: Look on the bright side! You’re not black slaves! From “America,” by George Orwell

Epstein Phone Message: Hello. I’m out having pizza with Hillary Clinton. Haha, just kidding!😆

Teacher: Johnny, what do you know about Ancient History? Johnny: I know that George Michaels used to belong to a group called Wham! My parents told me! Teacher: Hmm. Perhaps your parents should come to this class too!😠

Glenn Campbell: 🎶 Galveston, my Galveston! I am so afraid of dying …🎵 Tsunami: Then you’d better move inland.🌊

Tourist (visiting a town in Montana): Why is town called Bozeman? Bozeman Locals: We can’t imagine.🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Putin: The Russian people began in Kyiv! Those half-Poles are stealing our national heritage! Ukraine is just a big giant Kosovo! Serbia: Leave Kosovo out of this! Who do you think you are, you glorified Finn! Croatia (to Hungary): You’re not my fellow Slavs, but I still can’t stand you!😬

Democrat: Why do you hate Antifa? Republican: Because Anti-Fascism is Fascist! Democrat: You guys really are stupid! Republican: Right! Intelligence is Commie! Democrat: What is a Commie? Republican: Anyone who doesn’t like Racism! Democrat: Can I have that in writing? Republican: What is writing?🤔

I’m beginning to think that Elon Musk really did do something bad with that last election. But a year has passed, so I kind of think we let the moment slip. Well, have a good time for the next three years. You were asleep at the switch, and you can’t unwreck a train.🚂

Trump Supporter (as his nose falls off): Oh no, the liberals were right! Supporting Trump makes you a Moral Leper!🤕

American Public: Swing Voters, why did you give Donald Trump a second term? Swing Voters: We’re like Bobby Kennedy Jr., we decided to go swimming in Sewage!🤮

First Hungarian: Orban has been dictator in Hungary for several years now! We have to have a revolt! We have to defend Democracy! Second Hungarian: Look, when Democracy starts paying me crap wages instead of the Rich, I’ll fight for it!

American People: Israel, stop genociding Gaza! Israel: Do you represent the 1%? American People: No, we‘re the 99%! Israel (laughing): Are you still claiming that you have an ounce of power in America? American People: Elections! Israel (walking away): Get back to me when they aren’t rigged anymore!

Alien People: We are building an encampment at your residence. Suburban Guy: Not in my back yard! Alien People: No worries. (they set up their tents in his front yard) Neighbor: What are those things? Guy: Uh, mobile lawn dwarfs? Neighbor: Make them leave! Guy: They have ray guns. You first!🔫👽

Trump flushes America down the toilet.🚽 First American (spinning): This is embarrassing! What is History going to think of us? Second American (sinking): At this point, I hope that History forgets us altogether!

Uncle Sam: What are you looking for? Statue of Liberty (searching): I seem to have lost the whole point of the Constitution. Uncle Sam: I thought I saw it roll down a crack.

Tourist: Hey, where’s all the Pleasantness in Pleasantville!🤨 Local: It moved to Chappaqua.🤷‍♂️

Alien Scientist: Well, American, since I injected you with this experimental serum, you now know the slightest thing about geography! American: Esch is a city in Luxembourg! Alien: What! American: Vanuatu is a country! Alien: I have created a monster! American: I know where Mount Kisco is!

Alien Scientist: We have genetically augmented this American to know an ounce about geography! (to experimental American) Is England in Europe or Africa? American: Um, I think Europe? Alien Scientist (clapping hands): It worked! He knows the most cretinously simple facts!😃

Super Villainess Butte: Tremble, Superman! For I am the fifth largest city in Montana! Superman: I was expecting to be fighting Billings for some reason.

“This is a society that values the truth!” “That’s obviously not true!” “Well, what else is a lying society going to say?”🤗

2100 AD: Teacher: Class, who can tell me who the conservatives were? Johnny (raising hand): They were those guys who went poo-poo inside the Capitol Building.💩

Parrot (looking at Trump): When I said I wanted a cracker, that’s not what I meant.🦜

First Gorilla: Hey, what if I shave off all my hair, go to America, and impersonate a conservative? Second Gorilla: It’s a great idea, but Kyle Rittenhouse all ready thought of it!🦍🤗

If you knew what creepy cut-throat business men your pop and rock idols were, you would hate them as grasping capitalists. Cheery old Paul McCartney behaved like a Caligula-like monster in business dealings, and came to be feared by all the greedy, thieving music industry people, themselves Sharks.

Alien: Excuse me, is this Malaysia? Seychellois: This is the Seychelles. Alien: Do you have durian? Seychellois: No, but we have coco de mer. Wanna see it? Alien: Yes, I’d like to eat it. Seychellois: Sorry, it’s protected. But you can look at it! Alien (grabbing his shirt): Okay, where is Malaysia!

Teacher: Class, who can tell me what was special about World War Six? Johnny: It was the only world war where people fought naked, using sticks and sharp rocks. Teacher: Yes, because civilization ended. But now we’ve learned to make ceramics again, and we can travel from place to place in chariots!

Real people don’t bother me at all. But people doing bad things on YouTube really bothers me! The aggravation factor increases for some reason.

First Guy: I don’t understand why some people are so down on trans people. Second Guy: I know, Trans World Airlines is such a great way to fly! First Guy: Yes, Spirit is Cis! They aren’t half as good!

Kuala Lumpur Merchant: Why is your face so flat? Alien: I’ve just been travelling at 26,400 miles an hour from L.A. A million durian seedlings, please. Merchant: Uh-uh, there’s a limit on how much you can buy. How about a thousand seeds, I can swing that. Alien: Aw, you’ve gotta be kidding me! 👽

Son: Dad, what would happen if I was a woman? Dad: Consider yourself lucky, son. If you were a woman, you would have to give yourself money all the time!

Aliens (feverishly): Durian fruits! We must have durian fruits!👽 American: You will have to go to Malaysia for that. Aliens: Where is Malaysia? American (pointing): Go west and cross the Pacific Ocean. Then keep going until you hit a big dingleberry hanging off of Thailand!

MACA: Make America Cracker Again.

Human: What is the name of your planet? Alien: My planet is called Erth. Human: That’s amazing! My planet is called Earth too! Alien (shrugging): Don’t get too excited. There’s four other planets with that name in the Milky Way and nine others in Andromeda. It’s a very common name.👽

In the wilds of Arctic Siberia: Russian: Chukchi native, I am giving you a refrigerator for your igloo. Chukchi: What do I do with it? Russia: Put all your food in there so it doesn’t spoil. (comes back later) Russian: Hey! Why is all your food on the table? Chukchi: Fucking thing was too warm!🤨

Alien: You Earth people have never produced a single good thing! (eats a durian fruit, smacks its lips) Okay, you produced One good thing!👽

Son: Dad, if Jesus were here right now, what would Jesus do? Father: If Jesus really is smart, he would immigrate to Australia immediately.