"If you even cast a glance at something that may or may not make you look like some sort of elvish tart in a middling fantasy series, a sales associate will apparate and ask if you’ve considered a serum." ICYMI

Today I'm dressed as a partially unraveled skein of yarn.

Please enjoy the following nonsense while I negotiate a peace treaty with my hair. Face-Planting and Whatnot open.substack.com/pub/jackiepi...

As we look for what we can do, we can promise each other that no one stands alone when they are brave and afraid.

Please enjoy the following nonsense while I finish laminating this card with my intentions printed on it in a tasteful serif. Auld Lang Sigh open.substack.com/pub/jackiepi...

Willing to work in a very sweary division of Hallmark.

Happy Gotcha Day to this fuzzy muggins who has at least one screw loose.

Fun fact: I dashed this one off, and boy, it's almost impossible to tell. ICYMI.

While you all participated in Whamageddon, I just won Noggonnadrinkit.

It's 2026 and I'm still writing checks. Or something. Look, they can't all be gems.

This month, I read three books that prove words can absolutely ruin an otherwise pleasant life. Check out my new post! ⬇️ open.substack.com/pub/jackiepi...

We've hit the time of year when every other email is about a "New You." Cool. New Me is wearing a suit of bees in 2026.

If you're wondering what stage of life I'm in, I just received an email with the subject line "Cheese Balls 3 Ways."

I spend an unfortunate amount of time thinking about the try-out process for the Washington Generals.

ICYMI In which I discuss a very special item I keep in my purse and also how I busted my knuckle in the sexiest* way possible. * stupidest

My favorite 4-letter words of the season: Rest Snak Home Warm Kind Love Shhh Sofa Eat'm *snore noise* Dogg Mull Read Fren Grog Pfeffernüsse

Little makes me more aware of all the ways I could spend my time than a game of Monopoly.

The Month-in-Review is back! Possibly for a limited time. Like the McRib. Also like the McRib, it might largely consist of compressed meat.

"What I, the Universe, require of you today: Joy as you deal with everything. Especially the aggressively pleasant coworker who overshares about their digestive system and uses a coffee mug that says, “Wine O’clock.” This is fun. Thank you for not crying." ICYMI

My bitch face never rests. It is the toddler of faces.

This week recognizes your continued parenting, working, time management, keeping the car’s gas tank just full enough, and functioning as a human reminder app and emotional shock absorber. My latest piece.

"Let us not pretend we are prepared for the arrival of the Chocochimachattorellacci (Chocolate + Chimichanga + Cacciatore + Cappellacci)." ICYMI

A little snack-sized piece for you about THE GREAT AMERICAN FOOD CRIME SPREE. May your bouche be amused. Nestled. Stacked. Mashed. Cosplay.

This highly-rated candle is specifically marketed as the perfect gift to give to your best friend. So I gave it to my best friend, who also happens to be my husband. He didn't like it.

My December go-to word is "Pfeffernüsse."

There’s *December Tired,* and then I imagine there’s *Music Teacher in December Tired.* Thank you for putting the jingle in our bells!

ICYMI

Victoria's Secret is also not interested in my bra line called "Final Approach," which has a bedazzled image of Orville Wright on one cup and a propeller on the other.

Victoria's Secret is also not interested in my idea to yell "Bingo!" after someone gets measured for a bra.

Victoria's Secret is not interested in my idea for a line of underwear called "Climate Change."

“(*le soupir*) November is just that month. It’s a little dumb and a lot chaotic and kinda drafty. I don’t care much for dumb drafty chaos, so I hid and read.” My latest — let’s go with “thoughts” — on what I enjoyed reading this month. ⬇️

For breakfast I had a veggie omelet, whole wheat bread with cream cheese on it, and a fruit cup, except it was a sizeable hunk of carrot cake.

My inbox is Black Friday Hellmouth.

You have your Thanksgiving traditions, we have ours.

ICYMI

If your heart is pure, every day can be Black Friday, not just the three weeks before and after Thanksgiving.

"Butter is your verb of the day. Butter the turkey. Butter under the skin. Butter the cavity. Butter the pans. Butter the potatoes. Butter the rolls. Butter yourself. It’s a holiday." My new piece. ⬇️

I'd go on Wheel of Fortune to make jackass guesses as early in the game as possible. "I'd like to solve the puzzle, please. (*enunciates*) SOILING THE ROOSTER."

My dog is helping with Thanksgiving prep.

ICYMI: "I’ve absorbed everyone’s emotions because my empathy is an open-concept floor plan. Add to that the simmering impatience of the man in the Subaru behind us who believes my insufficient acceleration jeopardizes the spirit of American progress."

I'm still doing dishes from last Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving: the cornucopia-est of holidays.

“He was pecking at the side of my house right outside my office like he was trying to Morse-code Infinite Jest into the drywall. In his defense, that’s his job. He’s a woodpecker. Nominative determinism at its most bloggable.” My new piece. ⬇️ open.substack.com/pub/jackiepi...

You guys, Pinterest found some rigatoni pins for me.

"What the hell?" -- me, every three minutes of Dune.

Toxic Muskulinity

One son made a Jeopardy-style game for my birthday, with categories shamelessly calibrated to my areas of expertise: Kurt Vonnegut, the family dog, Danish Butter Cookie Tins, and questions based on photos of his school lunches. Somehow, I lost. Somehow, my husband "won" with a score of -2400.

Thrilled to finally be old enough to play one of the teenagers in Grease.

"Do not bring home $20 worth of fart putty." -- instructions I give to my kid before she goes to the book fair.

I woke up in a good mood. I'm not sure how to handle this.