I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

Denmark renames Greenland ‘Epstein Island’ so that Trump will never talk about it again

At my funeral I want a group of Italian guys to walk up to my coffin in all black suits and say, “rest easy Boss, we got this”. I want my family to think I had something big going on.

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm” I whispered in the Devil’s ear “I love your eggs”

My wife called me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

If your pets are in the room when you are wrapping presents for them do you make them leave so you don’t ruin the surprise?

My son has horrible luck on dating sites like Tinder. I keep encouraging him to go to something more appropriate like Match, EHarmony, Christian Mingle… hell at this point ZipRecruiter .com would be a better fit.

Pro life tip: Never walk up to a coworker, look at their outfit and ask “is today the day we are doing the ugly sweater contest ?”.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down a cobblestone road. One looks around and says to the other, “I don't think I've ever come this way before.” The other replies, “Must be the cobblestones.”

My Roku is still trying to suggest “Two Broke Girls” to me at the top of the homepage. It’s been a year Roku, it’s just not going to happen. I appreciate the persistence but it’s time to move on.

I’m less scared of heights than I am of widths.

I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog… It was a shih tzu.

Hypothetical beer challenge. I pay you $100 for every beer you drink between 8am and midnight. Must be alcoholic beer of your choice and you can do all the normal activities of the day. Caveat-if you throw up during that time you owe me $100 for every beer consumed. How many beers can you drink?

A woman was looking for a turkey for thanksgiving but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No” he replied “ they’re dead”.

You've heard of Murphy's Law. It says anything that can go wrong will But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.

On my last day on my job I'm going to crack open the thermostat on the wall and prove to everyone that it's not hooked up to anything. Just a box with a digital display to make us think we are controlling the temp in the office.

I stand with everyone that has taken the whole month off to celebrate Rocktober.

I told my boss I needed a raise. I told him there are three companies after me. "Which three companies?" He asked. "Gas, water and electric" I told him.

me: The earth isn’t flat fiat earther: correct me: huh? fiat earther: it’s shaped like an Italian car me: what? fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Can you explain the gap in your resume? Yes, that time I was in Yale. Wow! You’re hired! Thanks for the yob.

Anytime I see the same random stranger more than once a day in different places and just assume God is running out of extras in the story of my life.

What do you get if a prostitute dies on you? The second hour for free

My friend isn’t a vegetarian because he loves animals. He’s a vegetarian because he hates plants.

What do dentists call x-rays? Tooth pics

Accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough

I was the best man at my brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception I raised a glass of Champagne and said “Eggs, cinnamon, bread and maple syrup” It was a French Toast.

I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf. “Where?”, she asked “No. Regular”

If you rearrange all the letters of MAILMEN. They get really upset.

I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

The one thing in life I won’t skimp on is good toilet paper. I would wipe my butt with baby rabbits if it was socially acceptable

Sometimes people come into your life, and they need to stop doing that.

Why doesn’t the tooth fairy just dig up dead people to get the teeth?

When I have to fill out a form asking who to call in case of an emergency I always write in ‘an ambulance’ because none of my family and friends are going to answer a call from an unknown number.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

My favorite part about working is assuming I’m going to be fired every time I’m called into my bosses office.

I woke up this morning and was mad that my alarm went off on a Saturday. As I looked around I realized it was Friday. Damn. As I got up and went to the sink I realized it’s only Thursday. Shit.

Me: “I’m surprised at how winded I am by this exercise“ Personal trainer: “This was a tour of the gym”

Worlds worst pickup line: Are you my appendix? Because this feeling in my gut makes me want to take you out.

I’m pretty sure most MAGA republicans have a tough time counting while wearing oven mittens

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I’d just laugh and search with them.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Spurs win!!!! Congrats to Tottenham Hotspur on winning the Europa League championship! #COYS

If I ever become an evil billionaire I’m going buy all the trains and have them drive slowly through town in major metropolitan areas before and after work. Why… why do they taunt me.

We place way too much emphasis on the early birds good luck and not near enough on the early worms bad luck.

Taxes are just a yearly subscription to the country you live in… And childhood is the free trial.

Replying “k” in Morse code is still very passive-aggressive -.-

My wife just told me her rose bush is blooming... Not sure if that is a euphemism for something. Didn't ask questions.