*Experiencing sanity for the first time* “ARGH! No! Is this what it’s like for everyone?! I hate this! Send me back!”

I think, end of the day, the real problem with plumbing is that most of its users have it *because* they don’t want to be ankle deep in feces. That can tell themselves it’s about modern aesthetics or health concerns, and that’s part of it, but also there’s a palpable desire to not wade in human shit

Warden: “care to explain yourself?” Me: “I was just doing what everyone says. ‘Soon as you get in, find the biggest guy and kick his ass.’” Warden: “you’re the prison therapist!”

Beers don’t count as drunk

Gf and sister are going to an Edgar Allen Poe themed popup and while I’d rather cut out my own heart and hide it in the floorboards then drink $20 watered down cocktails with theater kids I do want to go pick a fight there so I can say, “fuck off Slyvia Plath or I’ll kick you square in the Bell Jar”

Gf: “thanks for being our DD. What are you gonna do while we’re at this event.” Me: “prob hit the sports bar on the corner, have a couple beers.” Gf: “…. You’re the DD…” Me: “I said beers…”

Making videos and saving them randomly around my cloud server to convince my future dementia-afflicted self that I’m some kind Jason Borne sleeper agent planted in the memory care home to foil a terrorist plot. Makin’ sure the old guy has some fun in his winter years…

Quick! My finance just bought a lemon tree and she’s going down a research rabbit hole on how to take care of it. Do I suggest she look up the lemon party website?

Got an email from my mortgage company titled “top 5 reasons to get a second mortgage on your home”

Got asked in a workplace emergency/safety training what are some tell-tale signs of head trauma and my mind went totally blank and the only one I could remember was “priapism”, which I fired out of the holster before fully remembering what it meant - which the instructor then asked me to explain…

Business idea: altruistic kidnappings. Exhausted at work but out of PTO? I will kidnap you for a couple weeks. What are they gonna do? Fire you as the nation holds its breath awaiting news of your safety? Get a relaxing vacation and return a national treasure.

You always hear them talk about the civil war as being “brother against brother” but I’m pretty sure all the brothers were just on the one side…

Getting my portfolio in order* *organizing my drawer of desk snacks

I’m choosing to re-conceptualize all the harm that’s ever been done against me as cuteness aggression

It’d be cool if people reproduced like fish. Just walking down the street like, “oh hey, eggs! Did anyone cum on these eggs yet? Is it cool if I cum on these eggs?”

Reached a point in my professional career where I can finally upgrade to the GOOD employee health plan! Now when I don’t go to the doctor it’ll just be because I’m scared of them, not because I can’t afford it. Hashtag blessed

Seagulls look like they should taste better than they do… Sorry, what was the question?… Oh, the gap in my resume?

Pick a Bond from the photos you already have on your phone

They were baptizing like 8 kids in this service so I was able to take advantage of all the hustle & bustle and sneak in. I am officially a godfather. Not entirely sure who’s godfather exactly, but the guy did the hand motion on my forehead so it counts!

The priest won’t let me be this kids godfather unless I’m Catholic. And before you say, “tell him how many times you’ve seen The Boondock Saints”, you can stop right there because I already tried that.

[clearly staged TikTok of Gen Z employee being brazenly defiant to simple requests from her boss in a zoom call entitled “working from home means your boss is a limp dick loser”] Many employers are weighing the pros and cons of remote work. What are your thoughts?

My friends kid is getting baptized on Saturday. I’m gonna sit up near the front and try to catch some of the splash back - all the salvation, none of the price tag baby!

Working in the rehab field you encounter a lot of pros and cons. Often times they are the same people.

This is 100% an effort to build a database specifically to identify people who will sh*t on T*ump’s gr*ve

There should be a rule that if you or anyone in your party coughs more than 3 times at the airport you are forcibly ejected.

My very gay waiter just called me a “good eater” I’m a little less straight than I was when I came in here

An escape room that’s just a big comfy chair and a pretty girl that says complimentary things to you but the price doubles every 10 minutes

Detective: *looking down at random cut out magazine letters glued to a sheet of paper spelling out: “per my last ransom note…”* “We believe the suspect is a middling 40-something office worker who thinks they’re the smartest person at their job.” Reporter: “amazing forensic work!”

AI has really taken the piss out of 80s dystopian sci fi. Now we know you don’t need a self-aware computer program launching nukes or building shapeshifting invincible robots. If ai wanted to kill us it’d just slip an article into the NY Post like “Life Hack: Drinking paint Thinner!” And boom. Done.

Traveling within the US is so depressing right now. Sure it was like $150 bucks to fly down to San Diego but I just spent like $100 on fuckin fish tacos, another almost $200 on zoo tickets, and $50 on 2 lousy beer flights. Not to mention the $200/night “resort” is a shithole.

Tried to sell my soul for blues fame, but all I could afford is being a slightly above average poster on Bluesky. Got a better deal than Stancil at least.

Ay gurl, do they make sweatpants that accentuate your buttcrack now or is that just something your buttcrack does on its own?

Ok a LOT of uncool people at the patent office… wow…

Send the Hantavirus ship to the Straight of Hormuz. Is that anything? Just spitballing here.

LinkedIn should allow porn I honestly don’t see any other way for it to survive.

Breaking: they have located the source of the Hantavirus outbreak on that cruise ship:

Me: “I’ve invented a low carb, high protein meatloaf sandwich!” An extremely uncool person: “this is just 3 stacked slices of meatloaf.”

“Oh look at me! Im drinking a chocolate shake made from mushrooms that tastes like a hospital glove. I’m going to live forever in a hell of my own design and I’m too stuck up my own ass to realize it!” - the people who buy these gross mushroom milkshakes I tried today from Whole Foods.

Feds spying on me on my private island after I get rich: “He appears to be… cooking Mongolian bbq on one of those big flat griddle things… like a lot of it… no I don’t see any underage kids… or anyone else, actually. He’s alone and - wait, a helicopter! It’s… dropping off more Mongolian bbq stuff…”

Lol Steven Tyler is on trial for sexual misconduct with a minor. Imagine being that prosecutor. “Your honor, allow me to introduce people’s exhibit A: literally any Aerosmith song.”

Post something random or you’ll have an awful May

Me: “yep… taught m’self to lucid dream…” Kohls clerk ringing the 10 packs of men’s boxer shorts I’m buying: “…”

Been having trouble finding a good barber in town so my fiancé took it upon herself to find one she thought I’d like. I went on his website and he has hundreds of photos… all of the same cut. Like dozens of different dudes - but just one haircut. I asked why she picked him. She said “he looks nice”

Nobody rolls that beautiful bean footage anymore.

The invention of gay: “Hey guys, you know how ladies have those holes? You know the ones… well Frank and I were hanging out yesterday and we got to thinking: We fellas got holes too and - well, long story short, its pretty similar. Not THE SAME mind you, but like… not bad. Pretty alright actually.”

Emperor Palpatine: “Let the hatred flow through you! Strike your father down and take your place at my side!” Chuck Schumer: “this is… well listen. I’m no fan of this, but let’s be fair. I think we should consider forming perhaps an ethics committee to discuss possible limits on the emperors power”

Client: “this one staff member is lying about me. I want my entire medical record printed so I can prove it!” Me: “ok.” *967 pages later* Client: “Every staff member that has independently recorded these notes over the last 2 months is lying about me!” Don’t do meth, kids.

Being interrogated by police: “Ha! You flatfoots are so predictable… did you really think you’d get me to crack with the ol’ ‘Good cop, horny cop’ routine?” Detectives: *exchange confused glances*

Sorry, can’t come into work today

As a personal rule, I refuse to remove my shoes when entering a home with a lot of visible Disney items on the likely chance I’ll need to beat a hasty retreat.