It’s international men’s day! Post prostate on main, fellas!

Git a voicemail from the IRS about my property taxes. It was a bit garbled but the phrase, “-right through your pants” was definitely in there a few times… Probably fine.

“Your honor, I defer to my counsel to speak on my behalf regarding this matter.” *a small crow wearing a tie hops up on the table and begins curiously pecking at a pen* Prosecutor: “objection, your honor!” Judge, utterly delighted and amused: “Oh i’m gonna allow the HELL out of this!”

Me as a judge, absent mindedly day-dreaming during cross examination because i hate my job on account of i spent several years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to get here without realizing a “court jester” had nothing to do with the actual legal world: “Huh? Oh… uh, yeah. Sustained.”

NIMBY update: they’re now spamming our company google page with 1 star reviews in an attempt to harass/defame us ahead of a city council vote that will most likely take place in January. Disgusting behavior from a group of wealthy assholes who literally just found out we exist after 3 years

It’s cool when you see someone with the same car as you It’s cool when you make eye contact with them and do that little back and forth point and nod to non-verbally communicate, “same car! Cool, man!” It is, however, not cool to do that when you forgot you’re actually driving your other car.

Deep in the underground lab where they research how to make white people more annoying: “What if they could be allergic to temperatures?” Some time later: *temperature hits 50 degrees and my skin starts to tighten and crack*

Post a bird to support @sbworkersunited.org and warn your followers not to buy Starbucks for the duration of the strike 🪶

If we’re going to keep making shows about the Kardashians can we at least make them do something other than sit around being rich and shitty to each other? Make them solve mysteries or renovate an old farmhouse or hunt down Bigfoot. I’d watch that.

Me: “I hate that we lose certain things as we grow up.” Friend: “I know man. I watch my kids play with legos and remember how creative my brain used to be, and honestly, idk if I can ever get back to that.” Me: “I mean like the ability to scream and puke in public and have it be acceptable.”

Jerking off into the Ancestry dot com master maintain so it says I’m related to everyone, thereby incurring countless more Christmas presents

We won our first major city planning commission victory to expand treatment services for our rehab center! The NIMBYs really pulled out all the stops. One even posed as a former employee and made up stories about how unsafe the facility was. The look on their faces when we won lol

Arriving in hell: “ok, where do I go?” Devil: “just anywhere… roam around. It’s all hell.” Me: “no, no, no. I’ve been told my whole life there was a ‘special place’ in here for me.” Devil: “that’s just sort of an expression people say.” Me: “…I need to see your manager, please… right now.”

If I could fly a plane I would be the only commercial pilot ever suspended by the FAA for saying “we’re not in Kansas anymore” every time I flew out of Kansas airspace.

Hot take: You don’t want to be rich You want to be safe You want to not worry that every decision you make may ruin you financially You want room to explore your creativity without the need to monetize the outcome Capitalism has programmed you to believe wealth is the only path to these things

Business idea: drive in-puppet show Basically you just pull into a parking lot and I crouch down by your driver’s side door and do like a little puppet show in the window for you. Maybe the puppet show is erotic? Idk, I don’t have it all dialed in yet but the bones are there. The bones are there.

Anime MC: *works hard, pushes themselves to breaking point, surpasses their rivals - gets kick ass magic fighting powers & becomes friends with a dragon or some shit.* Me: *works hard, pushes myself to breaking point, surpasses my rivals - gets to leave work a little early on a Friday one time.*

Kelloggs marketer: “ok guys, how are we gonna get folks jazzed about this new cereal? What flavors can we can highli-“ Kelloggs’ insane founder: “THE SOUNDS! Focus on the sounds! To hell with taste! We’ll be the first cereal people buy for its sounds! Snap! Crackle! Pop! A feast for the ears!”

Doing that cool thing baristas do where they run their espresso drip over a little chocolate puck so it all melts into the coffee except with a babybel cheese

When you use a public toilet and shit on top of someone else’s shit that’s called a New Jersey Haberdasher

From the Vatican: “someone accidentally shot God in the face.”

God: “look at these lil guys I made… ha ha.. look at em running around and making little civilizations and whatnot. What a bunch of goobers…” Angel: “yes sir. They’re very cute. Good work, as always.” God: “…im gonna give a bunch of em cancer.” Angel: [visibly nervous] “y-yes sir, very good sir.”

Wish me luck ya’ll. Bout to go do battle with the NIMBY hoard to expand SUD services in an area that just barely butts up against an affluent retirement community. The kicker is we’ve already been operating there for 3 years with no issues and just want to add a couple more beds but they’re PISSED.

Quote of the day: “I’ve never bought a Snuggie for someone I respected”

The lady cutting my hair had a mental health crisis mid haircut. She cut me twice, then cut herself, dropped a bunch of combs and shouted “this is all too much!” Before running off to the back. She returned 5 min later and said I was all done which… no, I def was not….

I think a lot of us have hidden talents that even we ourselves will never know about because the circumstances that would reveal them are extremely unlikely to occur. Like, for example, I think I’d be super good at making genie wishes without leaving myself open for dark ironic consequences.

Cool: we had at least 2 families walk away from our doorstep like “we remember you guys from last year! Coolest house in town!” Not cool: so far trick’r treat traffic is way down from last year and I am gettin real worried bc I got like 90 full size candy bars to give away or I WILL eat them all

Treats for kids and parents! If we are ever unable to be the “full sized bars” house on Halloween, only then, are we truly poor.

“Hang on babe, gettin a shot of my drink for the gram…” *send* My grandma: “yooo, that shit 🔥🔥🔥” Me: “love you Gram. Keep it 💯”

The FDA has approved my feed to contain no more than 0.2% bangers by volume. That joke would be a lot funnier if there was still an FDA…

Haughtily referring to anyone who prefers dildos to vibrators as a “Luddite”

You could 100% make male birth control popular and widely adopted but it would have to have a fun secondary side effect like making your ejaculate glow in the dark or making your dick do like a slide whistle noise when you cum.

Yes I’m well aware that sexy singles in my area want to meet me, but they’ll never get me to divulge where I buried the treasure…

Im really good at figuring out when someone is planning a crab feed. I call it my Old Bay-dar

Movie summary: “after inheriting a costal house, a man accidentally unleashes an ancient and long dormant-“ Me: “stop. You had me at ancient and long dormant.” Virus Evil wizard Rodney Dangerfield There are literally no ways to end that description that would result in me not watching this movie

Trying to be coy about my upcoming travel plans: “well, I don’t want to brag about where we’re going but I WILL tell you their queen just died…”

Detectives examining the scene of a grizzly helicopter crash into a crime boss’ penthouse apartment as part of a desperate international man hunt for me: “…Famous Amos cookie crumbs… our guy was here.”

Client: “my drinking has gotten so bad I can’t even get up to get to the bathroom anymore. I’ve been shitting myself constantly.” My staff: “I’m so sorry sir. We have a bed for you in our detox right away if you’re ready.” Client: “well, hold on. Do you guys have like a pool or anything?”

99% of being a scientist is just doing a little countdown before you do something partially thought out and potentially dangerous.

Me: “hey, I don’t mean to be rude but, this gondola ride is kind of gloomy. Can you maybe sing a song or something” Charon the Ferryman: “…do you have any idea how long I’ve been wishing for someone to ask me that?!”

There’s 3 young guys with developmental disabilities that go to this program across the lot from my office and they sometimes go around with buckets & grabbers picking up trash. Today they were doing that while one of them was playing the John Cena theme on loop and they were straight up STRUTTIN’!

*slam through grocery store doors, alarming customers as I sprint to the freezer section* *store employees converging as I grab a box of pizza bagels from the shelves and tear into it* “Sir, you can’t-“ one starts, but I cut him off, holding a pizza bagels in the air and shouting, “1776!”

Adam Sandler doing the weird racist Christian Super Bowl halftime show is funny for a lot of reasons but the one that I find funniest is its a passive but HUGE middle finger to Rob Schneider who’s only remaining thread of relevance was being the bigoted Christian Adam Sandler and now that’s gone too

Not surprised about the louvre tbh. The French don’t seem to be very good about safety. The same day the robbery happened I saw these guys driving around like this in a beat up little car… pretty careless stuff, France. Get it together.

Out to dinner the other day and overheard someone say “Wines are like human beings” I thought it was snobby at first but thinking about it I actually agree. Wines are like human beings. The white ones aren’t as good.

If I was a movie director I’d shoot 2 versions of every movie. We’d finish shooting a scene for the first version and then when we had it in the can we’d do a “let’s do a silly one” version of the same scene and make a movie out of those. And I’d only do movies about Pol Pot.

“Hey loser, the 90s called. They want-“ “Wait the 90s called? Did you warn them about 9/11?!” “What? N-no, they just-“ “Dude my dad died in 9/11!” “Oh fuck dude! I forgot!” “You killed my dad, dude!” “I’m so sorry! I-“ [both crying] “*69! Hurry!” “That’s not a thing anymore!” “Daddy!”

I don’t want to say I’m broke but my bank just legally sold me to the Shen Yun people.

I know I’ve said this before but I think it bares repeating: You can get shockingly, honestly irresponsibly far in life by just being a pretty good hang.

Bats are living proof that if you have no clue where you’re going or what lies ahead, you can get pretty far in life by just constantly screaming into the darkness