How racist is my family, you ask? None of them like football and none of them have ever watched a superbowl in their lives but they are going to watch this one exclusively so they can watch the Turning Point halftime show.

“Read em and weep!” Me: “I’ve asked you several times to please stop saying that when returning by test results, doc…”

Part of my job is meeting with local clinicians to share our services. Today im meeting with a group practice but I got here and no one has arrived yet. So im waiting in my car, look up, see who im pretty sure is the clinic director staring at me and realize im loudly bumping Pony by Ginuwine

Gf: “Deepak Chopra is in the Epstein files!” Me: “I’ve been saying for years that that dude seemed like a creep.” Gf: “you say everyone even marginally famous is a creep.” Me: “and eventually I’m always proven right.”

Me: “Take this job and shove it, boss! I quit!” Boss: “oh, wow. Well, I’m sorry to hear that… strange though. I thought… ah, nevermind.” Me: “what?” Boss: “well I just thought you were… legit.” Me: “I… I’m legit…” Boss: “well maybe a little… but clearly not TOO legit.” Me: “well now hang on…”

Elon Musk’s desperation to get Epstein’s favor suddenly kind of puts that dumbass Hyperloop project into perspective. “Yo, Jeff - I just perfected the technology to make long secret tunnels that allow you to move quickly between just 2 places without being seen. JSYK lol - call me!”

I think phone psychics would be a lot more successful if they called people instead of the other way around. Imagine just getting a phone call like, “I’m a psychic and I need to tell you something urgent about your future!… $2.99 a minute fyi…”

“You must think you’re hot shit.” “Well, you’re half right…”

This is what we call an evolutionary bottle neck event. Natural selection left the “alpha male” concept on the grill just a little too long and now has to feed most of these unfuckable dweebs to the dog and start again. Society need not intervene. Nature is healing.

Trainer: “what are your fitness goals?” Me: “to immediately get hurt so I don’t have to do this anymore.” Trainer: “ha ha, well we’re gonna go slow for your first-“ Me: “I’ve drank no water today and haven’t stretched in 8 months.” Trainer: “maybe we resched-“ Me: “let’s start with deadlifts.”

After 11 years I finally got my girlfriend on the “trying weird looking candies from the Asian market” bandwagon. Squid flavor Rice Krispy sticks and mysterious purple jelly cubes for everyone!

Me when my pants have that fancy second button that buttons inside the waistband: “haha yes! This rules!” Me later when I have to poop super bad: “WTF? This sucks! No!”

Man I would’ve bet my bottom dollar that the first person from this administration to shot their pants on national television would’ve been RFK. See, this is why I’m not a gambling man.

I left my cat in the sun and she melted

“For her birthday I got my wife a Merkin Bag.” “lol I think you mean a Birkin Bag.” “No, a Merkin Bag. A bag for her fake pubic hair. Y’know so she has somewhere to put it when she’s not using it.” “…oh.” “…” “…” “It was $41,000.”

God: “for disobeying my only command I cast you out of Eden, where you will toil for the rest of your years. I will also greatly increase your pain in child birth, and…” Adam: *raises hand* God: “what? Why are you interrupting?” Adam: “what’s a child?” God: “…oh right, let me back up a sec…”

When I used to work with kids this 7 year old volunteered to show me how to play Pokémon cards and said he’d make me a deck to start with. I watched him give himself all the best cards and me the worst while his friends snickered & grinned. Reader, I smoked him so bad his mom got mad at me.

God: “welcome to heaven!” Me: “wait do… I’m done? I don’t have to work anymore?” God: “well no, you still have to get a heaven job.” Me: “oh…” God: “your heaven job is playing with these wiggly puppies!” Me: “oh haha cool!”

When I was in Bangkok at the statue of the Reclining Buddha these two monks walked in and were taking a bunch of pictures of themselves with it and I still can’t figure out why that was so funny to me… Like seeing a monk take selfie is funny on its own but it feels like it’s more than that… idk

In lighter news: There’s apparently an enormous gas leak in my town and a huge cloud of poison vapors headed my way! (Possibly) more at 11!

Gf’s ADHD brain: “hey see that thing your bf needs? The thing he uses every day?” Gf: “yeah” Brain: “you should pick it up and put it somewhere else.” Gf: “oh like somewhere obvious? Somewhere convenient for him to find or somewhere any rational person might think to look?” Brain: “lol no.”

A fun thing to do when you have to enter a space with a bunch of self-ascribed “alpha” males is shout “last one to get a boner is gay!”

Guy we fired for showing up visibly high to his onboarding day at the substance abuse program and failing his drug test is suing us for medical discrimination bc he says he needs pot to sleep.

Wanna see a magic trick? *tells you one of the many intrusive thoughts about sentient existence that I’ve been anxiously picking at and thereby deepening for years that forces you into a state of existential collapse* Presto! Everything is different now! Ha ha!

Blood magic implies the existence of bile magic, phlegm magic, and possibly semen magic.

If I ran a tattoo parlor I’d call it Tit for Tat and our thing would be if you showed us your boobs you’d get a free tattoo. Wed be out of business in a month but it’d be a hell of a month.

Today I went to Costco and there was this chubby little 12 year old with a bowl cut and a tie-dye shirt just breakin. it. down dancing in front of a sample cart waiting for the little old lady to finish microwaving and cutting up some frozen quesadillas. It was the purest form of joy I’ve ever seen

I just fixed my own toilet and I have never felt more powerful

I’ve taken to mocking conservatives by saying “time to invoke the insurrection act” at any minor act of defiance, real or perceived. This did not amuse the clerk at Home Depot when I asked where to find a replacement flush master for my toilet and he replied “you gotta go one aisle over.”

Sometimes i miss dating, then I remember the time I introduced myself to a girl I thought was cute and she threw her clenched fists skyward and shouted, “omg if I meet one more guy named Matt I’m going to KMS!” and stormed off. Then I don’t miss dating anymore.

There’s a guy in my office I’ve dubbed “Mr. Sticky Shits” who, every time he uses the toilet, despite there being ample water in the bowl, somehow leaves a thick umbra of spot-welded on shit all around the drain that won’t come off even with multiple flushes. WTF are you eating, man? Plumbers caulk?

I’m really mad at myself for not taking more pictures of funny English business names in Thailand but the two best ones I saw were “PP Buffet” And “Dang Bank”

Understand that conservative pundits are the modern day equivalent of circus clown. Their job is literally to be stupid for money. Engaging in any serious way is like smelling the flower on the clown’s lapel. It’s just inviting more nonsense. And as with clowns, the only true remedy is violence

Again I just want to say this for the benefit of NATO or whatever individual nation eventually decides to take action on all this but… you don’t need to spend a lot of money on planes & bombs & whatnot. Just send a few guys and we’ll just sort of take them to the people they need to get to…

So anyway. I’m engaged. Sorry perverts. I’m not being snarky, I’m deeply sorry to any perverts who may have wanted me - but in my defense you have no one to blame but yourselves for not speaking up sooner. And not to rub salt but, I 100% would’ve been into it… just sayin… your loss.

Doctor: “are there any areas where you’re currently experiencing pain or discomfort?” Me:

At the Tokyo airport on a layover and my flight home has been repeatedly pushed back. They keep saying it’s not because of Godzilla but I’m pretty sure it’s because of Godzilla….

Stop scrolling and post two characters that bring you joy.

I want my headstone to say, “please dump spaghetti here. Ignore groundskeeper’s protests. My ghost will protect you.” They can’t stop me from making it say that.

One thing I like about Thai culture is they put these little mini temples that kind of look like bird houses outside their homes called “spirit houses” and leave offerings of food, drinks, money etc for wayward spirits. To wit, when I die, please leave bowls of spaghetti on the porch for me

Balls of Wrath

Spent all day in northern Thailand eating every local dish i could find. Heading back to my hotel now and I can already tell this is gonna be a shirt off kind of dump.

Well, after nearly 40 years on this earth I’m finally taking my first vacation to another country. I spent my 20s aggressively paying down debt, saving, and being ultra fastidious about spending and now that I’m fat and old and everything hurts I can finally afford to go have some proper adventures.

Manager at the huge ironic foreshadowing banner store: “Well team, it’s time we face the facts. We’re never going to relive the high of the Bush Administration’s ‘Mission Accomplished’ order. It’s time we start packing up shop and accept that America has learned its lesson about-“ *phone rings*

Awww yeeeahhh it’s Saturday night boi! You know what that means! I ate too much pasta and now my tummy hoooorrrrtts!!!! [airhorn sounds]

Contrary to what years of medical science tells us, twins are actually caused by having a 3 way.

I asked a genie for a superpower but before I could specify which one he granted me one at random. I got the power to get super sick right before literally every vacation I try to take.

“New year, new me” I say as I press my fingertips into the throttling belt sander

Have they ever done a werewolf movie where the guy who’s a werewolf, through some series of mishaps ends up at a furry convention during a full moon? It sounds like low hanging fruit but I don’t know that it’s been done yet.

A hospital but it’s just a bunch of roller derby girls who make fun of you until you stop being a little bitch and go home.