the snow is so beautiful right now that if it was in a movie it would be too fake

sometimes to relax i go on r/poutine and downvote all the negative comments

Ah yes, finally. The first day of winter.

all i want for piss piss is poo

remember during lockdown when david crosby called phoebe bridgers' snl performance "pathetic" and then she called him "little bitch" and then he died?

I have a really specific type of intelligence where once a day I say something really brilliant and the rest of the time I'm trying to unlock my front door with my bus pass

it's very funny to be depressed in a cozy blanket in a warm house with a lovely wife and nice food

I hate when an old person calls themselves an "old fart". Don't call yourelf a fart, man.

one of these days i'm going to leave the house with my fly already done up

Every time someone in Parlaiment addresses "Mr. Speaker" I pretend the owner of an 80s stereo store is now presiding over the House Of Commons

baseball is a good career if you want to spit at work

acab includes god

Life is short! Just pretend it isn't happening and it'll be done in no time! 💕

I got a new app a week ago and I want to use it but I can't bring myself to come up with another password ever again

six seven you princes of maine, you kings of new england

i feel like the male lonliness epidemic is somehow connected to the male shittiness epidemic

mmm nobel peach pies

"Wile E. Coyote" is actually a pun on "wily coyote" Not a lot of people know that.

i'm actually not surprised that a bunch of misogynists are performing in saudi arabia

Was it a business association? A lobby group? A labour union? A reguatory branch of government? What exactly did the Lollipop Guild do?

if elected i promise the floor WILL be lava

exciting news: it seems i'm almost finished setting up my pc

Jimmy's a bitch for returning

I think I finally no longer like comedy or comedians.

I believe the world is flat in certain areas.

long ago, there was a little girl who loved gersbermps, and her name was ermagerd

Sleep well on your estate tonight @shamas.bsky.social The help have been duly reprimanded for their transgressions

Decided to live by the sword. Fingers crossed!!!

ACAB includes these two

i had a dream where i started using the word "merk" a lot

*car crash* surgeon: i can't operate on my son nurse: wait why not? operate on your son! holy shit

how were millennials supposed to buy houses when they were always throwing up in their mouths a little

if i hear one more x is like if you drew y from memory joke i'm going to throw victor off the roof of absolute

oh yay yay yay i get to do one of these! ok ready? ahem: i NEVER liked snoop dog! 💕💕💕

I have decided to inspire all of you losers

I tried listening to music and let's just say no thanks

acab includes the boyfriend who's back

acab includes lifeguards

ugh the way gen zs just stare at you when you ask them the dumbest thing ever

dog people just want unconditional love from a weapon

When someone likes me for who I pretend to be and not for who I really am, that is such a fucking win.

She's a 10 but 10:30 in Newfoundland

I can't explain it but as someone born in 1975 I feel like I shouldn't have to hear a song from the '60s ever again

Thinking about dinner, deciding between Fat Shithead Burritos, Fuck You Burger, or Why Are You Like This? Korean Fried Chicken

of all the euphamisms in the world, the "productive" cough has to be number one

I can't solve every problem and I'm not very articulate so unfortunately I have to specialize. If you are anti-Indian or anti-trans please contact me so we can fistfight in the alley of your choosing. [email protected]

22 year old coworker was picking something to play on spotify and asked me if I like Nickelback. So of course I laugh and say no and was so surprised! Like he couldn't imagine

This guy was telling me I HAVE to visit Costa Rica, great vibes, great parties, beautiful bitches everywhere. I was taken aback until I realised he said beaches.

thinking about taking umbrage with something

me: i need a guided meditation to relax guided meditation: relax me: ah yes