Incredible one-two punch from today's Telegraph feature columnists: 1) I am the stupidest man to have ever lived 2) I have given explosives to kids

JOURNA. SODDING. LISM.

First time attending Trooping the Colour. Horse Guards Parade looking magnificent. #blessed #godsavetheking

Your periodic reminder that the phrase "political columnist" derives from the Old Norse word "pjolkalmniisti", which translates as "child too stupid to fit fork in toaster".

he lied to us through song

What a harrowing opening to a biog.

Nice try, The Telegraph, but this is quite clearly the same person.

Thought about this again. Still utter cobblers. Still furious.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Simon Heffer has written his classical music article again.

Very pleasingly, this has won a gold thing for best documentary at the New York Festivals awards, despite not being (but also being) a documentary. Hard to explain, just go listen. Co-worded with the excellent @anc1entmarinade.bsky.social and @jonholmes.bsky.social. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

FUTURE ADAM CURTIS: This is the last known photograph of HS2. It was taken in May 2026, shortly before Birmingham was plunged into eternal darkness beneath a trillion uncollected bin bags. The first train arrived in 2040, coinciding with the extinction of the last surviving German Christmas market.

Say that bit again, Robbo, you big Doppler effect you. What utter dross being handed down by our nation's oh-so-sodding-esteemed fourth estate. A foghorn of nothing. A firehose of breathless bilge. A guesseract of droning womp-wompery.

Had enough of the deluge of hyperventilating Westminster unjournalism? I'd recommend switching over to Birmingham University's live feed of nesting peregrine falcons for a more nuanced, restful and - let's be honest - no less factual viewing experience. www.youtube.com/live/4dsZIFf...

What an incredibly normal, functioning country.

This is a real treat - fascinating and beautifully put together. You'll enjoy it if you're a fan of one or more of the following: music, words, films, saxophones, taxis, drivers (the car kind, not the golf kind) and the American pronunciation of "Bernard". 📻 www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Sky Arts: Crossing the Rieubicon

Hey, choral societies! Stop doing this sort of naff, anaemic, cut-price cowboy garbage. Most of you need *more* covering fire, not less. You've got 1000 years of music to choose from; pretty sure you can find something worth singing that's not a colossal kick in the nads to the original composer.

Yes, happy birthday to the esteemed conductor, scholar, landowner, workplace bully and all-England, four-dimensional, tungsten-tipped c**t. Don't you go dying on me just yet, big guy. I'm saving up for a parade float and a skywriter.

Let's stick Welsh National Opera's new season announcement through the ArtsSpeak Bullshit Translator®, because it's a belter... "bold new era" / "new chapter" = no money "powerful rebirth" = on life support "progressive" = part-time "reimagined" / "reshaped" = barely an opera company any more

Easily the worst thing to ever happen there.

#TheNakedWeek clears off out of it for the summer with some rule-abiding foul-mouthery and some stuff that will probably make you quite angry, but at least that proves you're not *completely* dead inside. Shows what you know, sixth different therapist this year. 📻 www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

The first thing people see when they emerge from Birmingham New Street station is a cultural jewel, the UK's oldest working cinema... mothballed for over 2 years by a company called Glenbrook Property, who definitely are not waiting for it to very accidentally catch fire and have to be torn down.

Your annual reminder that it's pronounced "Sinjin" Passion.

Oh I do love an original idea. Especially when it's so really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really good. Just really good. Really, really good. So great. Really, really great. Brilliant, even. Brilliant and great and good. Well done, broadcasting. You guys are amazing. 📻

#TheNakedWeek continues at pace. It's a sort of Reithian highway to hell, or "That's Life with nonce jokes", as one commenter so helpfully put it. Give it a listen. Maybe it'll drown out the noise of your appalling family. 📻 www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Hire Sarah, for gawd's sake. She is the Funniest Person There Is®.

#TheNakedWeek has returned to cover the series finale of civilisation (nice idea, too many kinks*, not enough irons**). Episode 1 includes journalism, jokes and some unusual shouting. 📻 *bombs **not bellends www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

culture

Terrible look for the paedophile community. Hard to see them recovering from this.

ODE TO A RESTAURANT CHAIN Frankie & Benny's How I wonder Why you are What sustains you? It can't be The food You should be dead Dead, like your founders: General Franco and Benito Mussolini

100* for György Kurtág. Terrific knock by the young man. A less half-arsed body of work you would struggle to find. Drool reverentially before Stele ⬇️ - the greatest piece of orchestration since Australopithecus first picked up a discarded femur and twanged it on the side of a desk.

A tesseract of incoherent, patronising bilge. "People wrongly think that classical music is elitist. And they're right; it totally is, as proved by us saying so. TikTok! Mixtapes! Audiences are simultaneously up, down and dead. Be younger, you old f**ks! Your money is rusty and not on Instagram."

Tell me again what sort of "glorious, uplifting music is guaranteed to propel me through the weekend," Radio 3. Go on. I f***ing double-dare you. Some of us suckers have to work weekends, so unless I can pay my council tax with John Wilson's bang-average recording of Rach 2, pipe the flip down.

This ham-fisted fatberg. This shuddering boregasm. This pious tub of twee self-harmony. This knackered deluge of c**trapuntal cack. This uphill trudge through an antique fart. This drooping monument to inept bombasturbation. This Third Republic frumpery. This coma en croûte. This pâté de f*** all.

Well, that explains it.

"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Me, officer? No. Never touch the stuff." "Uh-huh. And your name is...?" "Errrm... ?"

Tomorrow this trio of odd noises starts slipping off BBC Sounds and back into audio oblivion. If you want to hear the missing Episode 4, in which it all turns out to be a dream*, give me a call and I'll dictate it down the phone. *no, obviously not www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

HNY to those who celebrate. 2,026th time lucky, eh?

"What degree are you doing?" "About 900 Celsius."

Could be polarising. #noyouf***off

Episode 3 of No-Platformed floats onto Radio 4 tonight at 23.15. Episode 4 has been delayed indefinitely by stupid Christmas, so 3 is your lot for now. Contains surface water, stupid jokes about spelling, and a badly behaved Formula 1 pit crew. You know. Normal stuff. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4 Episode 3 of #NoPlatformed, in which subliminal messaging goes wrong, Stuart discovers what the B in B&Q definitely doesn't stand for, and some wet and wild station renovations come home to roost. 📻

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4 Episode 3 of #NoPlatformed, in which subliminal messaging goes wrong, Stuart discovers what the B in B&Q definitely doesn't stand for, and some wet and wild station renovations come home to roost. 📻

'Tis the season.

Surely an even number would be more useful?

Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed re-emerges tonight at 23.15 on Radio 4 then loiters around for a while on BBC Sounds. WARNING: contains parcels, defibrillators, contentious long-service awards and implausibly gruesome police procedurals. 📻 www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4 Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed, in which - among many* other surprises - two of the Railway Children turn out to be complete psychopaths. *How many? Well, we somehow got through 25 pages of script in only 14 minutes. Suck on that, Radio 3 Unwind, you catatonic pansies. 📻

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4 Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed, in which - among many* other surprises - two of the Railway Children turn out to be complete psychopaths. *How many? Well, we somehow got through 25 pages of script in only 14 minutes. Suck on that, Radio 3 Unwind, you catatonic pansies. 📻

One of history's more intriguing set lists