I’m addicted to rinsing my mouth with a hot malted milk drink, so I am now attending Gargle-Horlicks Anonymous. #LunchPun

Hugh Jackman insists on being called Wolverine on every film he is cast. He put the claws in his contract. #LunchPun

Stuck in a Kitchen with Howling Mad Murdock, The Face, Mr T and Hannibal. We were only armed with whole eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla, but I love it when a flan comes together! #LunchPun

Dropped some cheap wool into my meat dish and made a tasty Beef Bargain Yarn. #LunchPun

Would you like a replacement Mother? We can offer a Mummy back guarantee. #Lunchpun

I was almost picked to be Electrician of the Year, but I didn’t get enough volts. #LunchPun

My vehicle keeps attracting all the fallen leaves. It’s an Autumn-mobile. #LunchPun

Wrote a song called “Caged Bird”. I’m going to release it next week. #LunchPun

The Ninja Turtles are petrified and haven’t come out their lair for months. It’s their cower bunker. #LunchPun

The Director of Citizen Kane wanted to add water features to all his films. “Awesome Wells?” “That’s the fella!” #LunchPun

ME: How did I get caught so quickly when playing hide & seek with Huckleberry Finn and his friends? MARK: “Tom saw ya!” #LunchPun

Got into a heated argument with a friend about whether gammon and ham are the same food. In the end, we agreed to meat halfway. #LunchPun

To find the best plumber in your area, try Dripadvisor.com #LunchPun

The absent-minded Band Leader forgot his stick, so he made random gestures and shouted at his Orchestra. I don’t think he should conduct himself like that. #LunchPun

Asked 2 friends to leap up and down while I played football. I had jumpers for goalposts. #LunchPun

When trying to impersonate small horses, I’m apparently being too extrovert. I wish I could be a little Shire. #LunchPun

If you would like to dance, but are unable to kick your legs above your head, then join me in doing the Can’t Can’t. #LunchPun

I wrote a review stating that music players are all the same. Sorry I shouldn’t stereotype. #LunchPun

“This hand-dryer will only stop working when you remove your hands.” Seems a bit extreme. #LunchPun

Now I know my main audience on Social Media are people who would like Botox, I’m hoping to uncrease my followers. #LunchPun

Created a sparkly toilet seat, but people thought it looked bog standard. #LunchPun

Bought 2 bookshelves. One was already made up, so I’ll use the other one for my non-fiction books. #LunchPun

I hope I’ll never get over my tree hugging fetish. Touch wood… #LunchPun

If you're needing some haemorrhoid cream, I’ve got piles! #LunchPun

My previous girlfriend keeps popping round to borrow cables. “Ex tension?” “No, we get on fine”. #LunchPun

I think I lost the Miniature War Painting Competition because whenever I made a tiny mistake, I would just gloss all over it. #LunchPun

The Singer of “White Wedding” is refusing to do any work, and is just sitting around the house in his underwear. It's Billy idle. #LunchPun

The animal hospital for our feathered friends with extra body parts has just opened a new wing. #LunchPun

Couldn't get any reception in the Forest until I switched to Tree-Mobile. #LunchPun

Adding a few final touches to Ironing Monthly Magazine, then it will be hot off the press. #LunchPun

The POW's escaped from Stalag Luft wearing a long flowing sleeveless garment attached to their coats. It was the Greatest Cape. #LunchPun

My jokes for Postman Pat always got a good response. He was great with the delivery. #LunchPun

“This hand-dryer will only stop working when you remove your hands.” Seems a bit extreme. #LunchPun

When my Parents jumped out of nowhere, told me that I had been a bad boy and hit me on the mouth with their slippers, I was gobsmacked. #LunchPun

When the band began singing “Don’t Dream It’s Over”, I felt claustrophobic. “Crowded House?” “No, it was a really packed concert hall.” #LunchPun

My previous girlfriend keeps popping round to borrow cables. “Ex tension?” “No, we get on fine”. #LunchPun

I wrote a review stating that music players are all the same. Sorry I shouldn’t stereotype. #LunchPun

Members of The Specials and Madness have been dancing close to me whilst wearing their sharply creased suits. I’ve suffered a few cuts, and I may be Ska’d for life. #LunchPun

Decided to stop smoking, so I called the Fire Brigade and they came round to put me out. #LunchPun

An Australian has invented a potion that stops people being unable to think clearly. It’s an Addle-Aide. #LunchPun

How did we find out the History of the Egyptian toilet? Let’s just say the writing was on the wall and I had to scroll across the bottom. #LunchPun

Asked the bookstore employee for a book about turtles. "Paperback or hardback?" "Pretty sure it has a hard back”. #LunchPun

If you would like to dance, but are unable to kick your legs above your head, then join me in doing the Can’t Can’t. #LunchPun

If you're needing some haemorrhoid cream, I’ve got piles! #LunchPun

My 4 Stand-Up sets from #ComedyKaraoke at #EdinburghFringe will be premiered at 7pm over the next 4 days (Wed-Sat) on my YouTube Channel. They are approx 8mins long and feature me telling music puns and one-liners followed by me singing a fave song. www.youtube.com/c/SteveThoms...

After seeking advice from Comedian friends about how to remember my set, I have hired an insect to join me on stage, but it doesn’t make a difference if I start every joke with a Bee. #LunchPun

UK Pun Off - a full show filmed at Edinburgh Fringe (ep#138) available to watch for free from tomorrow (Tues) at 7pm. Please consider subscribing to our YouTube channel where there are around 100 shows available to watch. youtu.be/4eppqf-P99o?... #ukpunoff #lunchpun

Todays UK Pun Off lineup - Mark Vincent, me (Stevie Vegas), Elaine Golden and Kevin O'Brien. #UKPunOff #edfringe

Todays UK Pun Off lineup. Ash Wragg, me Stevie Vegas), Fil Milton and Mark Vincent. I WON! #ukpunoff #dropkickmurphys

My appearance on #ComedyKaraoke at #EdFringe today. Had a great time telling jokes about 80's music, then singing "Africa" by Toto! I'll be back on Saturday with a 90's themed music set!