The only thing I regret is not being born early enough for freaknik-2009 clubbing

I quite LITERALLY need us not to eat aliens

Post you from a different era in your life. I could shed a tear for her.

I just don’t know what past life me did to deserve being born into THIS timeline of ALLLL THE TIMELINES

I’m throwing in the towel. It’s been a very long year (6mo)

you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not the wandering spirit of a girl who was murdered several centuries ago who inhabited my body to use as a vessel for vengeance against the descendants of her killers

And this is when we blow up the internet with this:

Now I’m only quoting this to feel something.

This is shade to my absentee, wicked (and I’m now convinced doesn’t- nor EVER- loved me) man, and no one else

Like… what do I do??? I don’t even remember what I did before I had someone to do me all the time. Now what!?!? What do IIII DOOOO. Funny, when I said “I do” I didn’t know it was FORESHADOWING

UgHHHHHH Im so bored when my husband leaves me to “provide”…. He’s sure not PROVIDING me with attention

My daughters are in their room arguing and one of them goes “like mommy! She’s not a grown up- but she has kids!” Now how I catch a stray

Planning a wedding event is INSANE and it’s VERY easy to become a bridezilla… VERY

I have 5 stars on Lyft because I am a conversationalist. I’ll never give up on humans.

My son: “mommy how come you always say opposites?” Me (overstimulated): “what are you talking about sir??” My son: “like when you say ‘don’t even worry about it’ but I should be worried about it?’ Or when you say ‘I hope it was worth it’ but you’re mad?” 😭😭😭😭😭😭 bro I’m too unserious to be a parent

Power just came back on. Crisis averted

TheFUCK were you doing out at 3AM!? Istg if I get my hands on this police report and there is 0.001% of alcohol in your system- I’m cutting the power to your shit every weekend for a year

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSONOFABITCHESWHOREASSFUCKINGCUNTGAHDAMNMORTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!!!

Being an American is so crazy. I KNOW it’s insane to be mad someone’s car slid and crashed into the utility pole on my street. But the CAW CAW 🦅 🇺🇸 in me is crashing THE FUCK out.

🚨 BREAKING: It’s being reported that the CDC in the US is ending its experiments on monkeys! Approximately 200 macaques currently used in harmful research will be affected; future research on primates will also be discontinued. 🐵 🙌🏼

Me personally, I’d like to be — and be WITH a villain. Hero’s stories stem from them sacrificing their true love “for the greater good” 🤮 EEEEYUCKK! Villains sacrifice the world for their true love. Gimme dat.

I dont know about the movie- but these two are my biggest recession indicators. Trying to get me to believe being bone skinny is “in” is a crazy way to say “get ready to starve”

Just went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and cut my hair—- THEN I took it outside to burn it wtf happened to me in a past life 😂😂😂

Hell yeah, wear ‘em LOUD and PROUD boysss! ✍🏿 📄

“It’s a class war, not race” NIGGAAA. It took racism to CREATE the classes yall wanna fight about NOW

I have never in my life tried to be the girl that lights up a room. In fact, I’d argue it could stand to be darker

She’s really the menace Natalie Nunn wants to be!

There is absolutely nothing I could say about a mf that would beat me to a pulp

Well HURRY UP THEN. What’re waiting for!?

I was able to pull it off and be home by 11PM.

Yall know damn well why aliens won’t make mass contact. There is an entire group of ppl on earth that will (and probably have) EAT them

“Be the best. I don’t care what it is. If you’re a stripper, they better be coming to see YOU” -Big NISH

I have, genuinely - SO MUCH work to do, it’s INSANE. Then, I have so many errands to run immediately after, -but I also have to have this all done by 5:00 because I’m scheduled for fun at 5:30

Apparently EVERYBODY necks this man up BUT Hillary

Eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwuhhhh

Vance about to be president, ain’t it?

And THATS on firing Elmo

Jeffery said in them emails he was “scared he’s going to tank the economy- can’t Barack talk to him?” 😂😂😂😂😂😂 and this nigga won AGAIN

ALCOHOL. Smoking and alcohol.

I honestly didn’t think there could be a worse president than dump, but dump 2.0 is legit catastrophic

Jokes on them, I have a southern grandma.

Good morning 🙂‍↕️

My husband calls: “hey, heads up, I might be coming home with an Akita” Me: “oh, okay, is that like a game?” Him: “yeah, kinda” Me later on Google: A DOG!?

The biggest proof of spiritual warfare for me is the fact that you can feed from spreading happiness and joy and get even more full than sucking people of it—- but they’re doing it for the love of the game

Cats are like their owners too. I too put myself in harmful situations just to feel alive

“I — then state your name..” This nigga is an IDIOT 😭😭😭

I LOVE when I walk by people and they say “she smells good!” To eachother. It feeds a part of me that CAN’T be good 😭

First and last time I saw my grandma cry. Went back to school and all my black ass teachers had full biographies PREPARED 😂😂😂

Me arguing that time is not linear:

Vance about to divorce his DEI wife and marry Kirk’s widow. Not too long after, Donald gonna croak, Jdeeznuts will be prez, and ericum will be First Lady and honestly an evil like we’ve never seen will reign