why is it the more water i drink the less hydrated i feel

i love being a fatass alcoholic (i'm miserable and so insecure that i won't leave the house)

i bought 2L of vodka and i'm hoping that gets me through until next pay. i'm trying to spend all my pay at once and properly be prepared for the fortnight, so i don't impulse spend on stupid shit and then not have any left for the essentials

wish i was drunk

the embarrassment and shame that comes w existing after you've gained weight is unmatched. especially if you were fat, lost weight and then gained it all back. it feels like everyone's secretly so disappointed that you got ugly again

me being fat has totally destroyed my life. i'm too insecure to do anything except stay at home and get fatter

happy halloween!! it's okay to day drink

because the bottle shop knows i'm a regular, the guy said it's cool if i just owe them $2 so i got a 10pk !! i love them

she sent me $20 which is nice but idk what to do with it LOL. i could walk to the further bottle shop and get like... little fat lamb i guess. even the cheap ciders are $21

i just want alcohol i don't care

asking my narcissistic mother for money and praying my shame fuels her enough to boost her ego into doing it so i can buy booze

the biggest cockblock to my happiness is money. i can work for short bursts of time before i get burnt out (usually bc of issues with rsd), and that burn out is so painful. i feel humiliated that i can't just be normal and push through those feelings without wanting to drive into a wall

idk what happiness would be to me. feeling financially secure? having a house to call my own, decorated with my own things where i feel free to sit in the loungeroom? working a job that i find stimulating and rewarding?

i never asked to be born, and now my life is piled high with the responsibility to keep myself alive. i have to work or suffer with low income. i have to pay $290 a week to live in a tiny house with another person and pay bills and buy food. how could i not be depressed

sometimes u just gotta eat 2 lebanese cucumbers with kfc aoli sauce

my finances are terrible because i'm terrible with my money. i didn't service my car even when i was working and had the money to service it, and now it doesn't work. my roommate works and doesn't have a car but i use not having mine as an excuse not to because it's uncomfortable :/

remember: it's only a rest day if you allow yourself to rest

it was your parents' responsibility to listen to and acknowledge you. it's a parents' role to make you feel safe, heard and loved. when a parent fails to do these things it changes the way our brains are wired and leads to a lot of confusion and suffering as adults

a lot of us didn't have our realities confirmed to us as kids and it shows. it's so so important to listen and hear what children are saying to you. repeat it back to them to confirm that it was heard BEFORE correcting them!!! listen to HEAR not to TEACH.

if u see this it's a sign to keep going. keep fighting through feeling like shit. i know the world is so hard but i'm right here with you. we will get through this. you deserve to be alive 💗

i can't die because i have to have my little brother's back. i'll never leave him alone to deal with the world because i know it's just too hard to do without someone by your side

realising that it may also be the fact that i'm drinking a lot of alcohol that my sh scars r going numb... but i also think vasline helps with hydration which helps w movement. i'll check in again w the vasline when i'm sober to double confirm my advice abt using it for scars

i've started putting vaseline on my sh scar bc it's been hurting so bad lately. the pain went away right away but idk if that's bc of the hydration or massaging of applying it. either way i recommend it if ur scars r hurting <3

i know i complain a lot, but there's a lot that i'm grateful for too. i feel safe and unintruded on in my home. i'm not worried of my food being taken, i'm not worried about my space being invaded and i'm not worried about not knowing if my roommate will be volotile or manic if i leave my room

making a nostalgia playlist with the music i was listening to from primary school to high and it's so telling LMAO. little emo <3

i feel like bc of the way my mum would make herself the authority on what to do, even over the smallest decisions, i have such a hard time making choices of my own. i secondguess myself and have trouble commiting unless i'm prompted by someone else

u ever look around at your room and just go damn bitch, u live like this?

men r so fucking odd. they'll hit on u bc they find alt girls attractive and then get all weird if u get a new piercing or tattoo or dye your hair

the only good thing abt weight gain for me has been the fact that my armpits aren't concave anymore so i can shave them way easier

i feel so trapped in my life rn. i need money, but i can't find work without my car. i need money to get my car running again. $200 for my licence renewal, $200 for registration, $300-400 for a service, $20-40 for jumpstarter cables because my battery died... no wonder i want to disappear

shame feeds mental illness so much. ashamed of being lethargic? you isolate from friends so you don't frustrate them with your lack of enthusiasm. ashamed of your weight? you hide away and eat in secret. to heal you have to learn to manage and overcome shame

people say your 20s are the best time of your life, well i really fucked mine up dude. i'm hoping my 30s are better

okayy adjusted it to fit me better. it's a rainy week so i wanted to add some oats for comfort. i'll also let myself have: - sugarfree drinks - miso soup BUT - no alcohol

gonna do a 5 day diet based on this! buying the ingredients now and i'll start tomorrow. my breakfast/lunch may be later than normal depending on when the groceries get delivered but that's okayy

the common foods i see in diet vlogs are: - apples - bananas - greek yogurt (with fruit or cornflakes) - boiled eggs - sweet potato - fresh tomato - soy milk

i feel like i've totally lost the ability to lose any weight normally. like i can't just "go on a healthkick" and drop 5kg. i gotta eat once a day for a week just to drop 2 :/

my years of energy drinks/soft drinks - even if they have been sugarfree for the most part - have finally caught up to me and i'm seeing some cavities and issues propping up that rlly need to be addressed :/ i guess i'll have to try to work again

dentists are so expensive bruh. why is everything so expensivee. when i work, i'm too tired from trying to fit in to the neurotypical standard to use the extra money on anything productive like saving for dental. when i don't work, i just don't have the money. dillema

anyone else colour coordinate their pc? or am i just autistic

i have cider and i reorganised my browser pins + my pantry. all is right in the world

hhh i feel so anxious bc after she agreed + we had a chat she just kinda went offline and stopped talking to me. i left her be overnight bc i didn't wanna pressure her and it's safe to assume she just got busy, but i just messaged her asking if it was still okay + she went offline...

why are all my safe foods so damn expensive. sushi, monster ultra, strawberries, chobani yogurt, lean cuisine, they're all expensive!! i need my safe foods to be like... instant oats and mac and cheese

∿ how to reset from a depressive episode ୭ ˚. ── tips from a 26 year old with depression ‹𝟹

came across this in my city, how cool!! it's gonna help prevent homeless people from having to go through the bins for cans and bottles to recycle for a bit of cash

servo energy drink prices are inhumane. how is a girl supposed to start her day when 1 monster is $6.99

JACKPOT. found 2 20c coins + a 5c coin in my drawer

i have $2.49 in my account right now and $1.45 in coins. i wonder if i can buy ANY energy drink for $3.94... i think if i find a few more coins there's one type that's $3.99 nearby

didn't end up drinking last night and i do feel a little happier this morning bc of it. i fell asleep fully dressed after asking to borrow some money from my friend's mum, we chatted for a while and then she went offline. i didn't have the heart to pressure her since she probably fell asleep

72.9 :/

so that was a lie