everybody dunking on the rapture not realizing they've all been raptured to a completely identical planet except now pickleball is a thing and it always was apparently

spiking everyone's drinks with tylenol until we get a better passenger rail system

Have this problem where driving makes me anxious and the more anxious I get the faster I go which makes me more anxious. Anyway my motor home can do over a hundred on the highway before parts start flying off.

Dood looks like a perfectly normal ass collie from the waterline up but WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING LEGS

Had to pick up the corgi to chuck him up a flight of stairs he couldn't handle and some deep coded, 2003-ass part of my brain shouted PRINNY DOOD

Cosmic being comprised entirely of wingwongs and hoohas: I AM DISGUSTED BY YOUR OBSESSION WITH GENITALS

Judgment Dog

2006: I would never touch the Death Note. 2016: Just give me five minutes alone with the Death Note. Present: Where can I buy pens in bulk

every time a navy training flight does a circle above my camp "You didn't expect to find me..."

I give a fuck about exactly one character in this Alien show

modern star trek and doctor who are a lot alike in that every other episode you'll get a cool little stand alone exploration of some high concept scifi shit, and the whole season will be bookended by the absolute stupidest most bombastic asspull dogshit you've ever seen in your life

I love how any list of the most powerful cosmic beings in star trek is like "The Q, The Metrons, The Organians, and Kevin."

NMS is so huge there's like a one in a billion chance of coming across another human being and every time I do I'm like HOW FUCKIN DARE YOU Get back in your wee spacey ship and fuck off back to the star wars you astronaut twat "... but I live here" FUCK YOU LEAVE

"What would you tell your younger self?" Fuck you, therapy. I'd just listen and let that edgy little fucker vent a minute. Then we'd probably beat up my younger dad. Then probably shoot Ronald Reagan. I don't know, you're the one who brought time travel into this.

sup sluts

it might be autumn

Happy idiot sleeps like a weirdo.

I had to do it.

I had a fort where basically everyone turned into a vampire overnight. Baffling. They had recently run out of booze and had, for the first time in their lives, resorted to drinking water. Finally figured out that at some point a vampire had fallen down the well and was still bleeding, unnoticed.

Just a room full of Majel Barretts doing the spider man meme. Next door is a whole damn convention hall packed with Jeffrey Combs. Jeffries Combs. Combses. Whatever.

Fun Fact: Scorpions glow under a blacklight and if you shine a big one across the desert it's like constellations of little monsters drifting around in the dark. You can try to pick them off with a handgun but it's really hard.

Sneaking a cig out on my impromptu patio when a bunch of scorpions ran across my shoes, and while I was dancing a black dog ran through the dark while staring at me. Then an owl screeched and finally I'm like FINE I GET IT and stubbed the fucker out.

Shouting LET'S GO LADS to the corgi every time he tries to hop up a six inch step like he's a Tommy going over the top into no man's land.

[Utena climbing stairs theme intensifies]

Any cool people want to just go live on an oil rig or an asteroid or whatever and then get big mcfuckin mad when assholes predictably blow it up? Asking for a friend.

I would also like -1 nachos and a DROP TABLE burrito

It's weird that I named all my spaceships after albums and shit but this one rules.

Trying to remember how to play NMS. I've got a guy but it's been years and it feels like someone else's save. Apparently I'm a multibillionaire with a carrier and a whole damn trading fleet. This fucker has crazy cargo space and every inch is stuffed with space weed.

All I wanted today was no stress and few spiders on my head and I got many stress and all the spiders on my head D:

Keep thinking about doin VR again but my old dog was so freaked out by it. She didn't even like the Kinect. Like, why are you waving your arms. Xbox go home? Am I Xbox now? Isn't this my home? Why are you so angry?

Big plans today.

"What shall I call this worshipful creature that wants nothing more than for me to be safe and happy and also within line of sight at all times" "Buddy Potato"

Danger Zone

Word

Mountain King. There was that spider on the bottom level you could hear running at you from off screen. All thumpathumpathumpa and then it would wrap you up and leave. You could wiggle around a bit while you waited for it to come back and eat you. Just gave you time to dread it a bit.

environmental storytelling

when you think you're the traumatized but kindly uncle trying to provide gentle guidance through a cruel and disappointing world and the kids are like "lol mean old drunk smart guy"

Solving the male loneliness epidemic by turning everyone into Tang.

I sometimes get a ping when someone mentions me in the family chat I don't use and it's the nephews being like "you know what scotty reminds me of" and then it's just a wall of pickle rick memes and I remember why I live on the other side of the fucking planet.

Had a nightmare that I got drunk and made a doomsday device out of household junk and buried it somewhere. Had a date and they were annoyed we were spending movie night digging holes in the desert.

"I think we're gonna have to kill this guy, Prickle." "Dang."

Got a teacher nailing himself to a cross about having to teach basic sex ed. Trying to make it an identity thing. Bitch, you are the poster child for entitled fragility. People don't think you're a useless cunt cus you're a white dude. People think white dudes are useless cunts cus of y'all.

Used to wonder why videogame bosses apparently spend all their time just hanging out in a room at the end of a tunnel full of traps drinking wine or whatever. I get it now.

I will never get tired of startling amateur spelunkers. The last thing they expect to find at the end of a played out silver mine is a corgi and a guy in a waistcoat with a laptop and a glass of chardonnay.

Jokes like bluhbluh I got life mixed up with a videogame are duuuumb, but for real I was walking the dog and was momentarily annoyed that clouds weren't rendering. Like I was gonna have to mess with the fog distance settings or something.

Nieces' kids lookin like they just cut the shittiest rap album of 1996