At the hardware store: CASHIER: What’s the phone number for your reward card? GUY: Two six seven (pause) eight six (pause) seven five (pause) three oh nine. CASHIER: (typing) ME:

I am way too autistic for this statement on a personality test: "I always light up a room." Well literally yes. It's impossible to work in a dark room, so I light up any room I enter. Strongly agree.

I recently sold my parents townhouse. The homeowner’s association just emailed me asking for the contact information for the new owners. I replied with their address. Then they asked for proof that the unit was sold. I told them the new owners can provide the proof, and they can be reached at […]

Ok we're officially not going out in this snow. Who's up for an orgy by the fireplace? Raise your ... hands!

[Politics - ICE] In Nazi Germany, the SS operated with immunity. Once the regime fell, the courts declared they were a criminal organization. Their immunity was retroactively removed and they were hung.

Snow blowing in 15F (-10C) when you have Raynauds sucks.

Zepbound Update Week 8 of taking Zepbound (compounded with B6) is now done. I've lost 23.1 pounds, for an average of 2.9 pounds per week. I don't feel like my relationship with food has changed that much in the last week or two. I've actually been hungrier than in the previous weeks. So much […]

ICE is in Philadelphia. They picked the wrong fucking city this time.

Today I learned the phrase that strikes fear into the heart of every public school administrator: “We’re accepting the IEP for now, but do not agree that it is FAPE.” If you know, you know.

To the soccer mom with the M4M4BEAR license plate: ma’am I guess “MAMABEAR” was taken, and this was very clever. But you’ve made a grave mistake.

So this rich guy goes into a bank and says “I’m going to Europe for two weeks, and I need to borrow $5,000”. The bank agrees and as collateral, they take his Ferrari which is parked out front. Two weeks later, he comes back and repays the $5,000 plus $16.93 interest. The banker chuckles and […]

According to the AI generated weather forecast, we’re getting between 1 and 3,850 inches of snow this weekend.

Did you ever realize that the beginning of “Chariots of Fire” is just a dramatic version of “On Top of Spaghetti”?

BOSS: Do you have any dietary restrictions? ME: I’ll eat anything. Except complete organisms. BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Things like oysters or clams or bugs. If I’m chewing and swallowing the entire creature - head mouth, organs, meat, butt - I won’t eat it. BOSS: Errr … ME: Oh I also don’t […]

I love how the phrase “bear with me” can either mean “please be patient with me” or “the experiment to create a sentient assault bear was successful and he’s now standing over my shoulder, send help.”

The more I watch the news, the more I think that what's happening in "Plur1bus" would be a good thing.

All you need is love. John Lennon said that. Smart man. Shot in the back, very sad.

Zepbound update. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in 7 weeks. The nausea is manageable. If anything it’s teaching me when to stop eating. One cookie is fine. Two or more and I’m nauseous for the rest of the night. And it seems to be working with my other meds to give me Raynauds, which scared the […]

If you’re a Boomer or Gen X, you should know the name Thomas Midgley Jr. He’s the person who invented leaded gasoline, and was largely responsible for its adoption by society. Why does this matter? Due to lead exposure from leaded gasoline, Boomers and Gen Xers suffer from a permanent IQ […]

Greenland is the largest island in the world - despite Australia being 3.5 times larger. That’s because the geographic definition of an “island” actually includes the phrase “and is not a continent”.

[Politics - Humor] In support of returning whole milk to schools, the White House released a photo of President Trump with a “milk moustache”. The photo was later taken down when it was discovered to actually be a photo from the Epstein Files, after a rather messy blowjob.

I know that using full sentences in my Slack messages immediately pegs me as Gen X. And I don’t fucking care. How you people can just send a message with no capitalization and punctuation is beyond me. Also, TWO SPACES AFTER A PERIOD, bitches.

[Politics - Greenland] Can we get a vote on whether or not we try to annex an island away from another country, just because our President says we need it? I feel like this is the kind of thing democracy was made for. Even in a failed representative republic like ours.

You should not read anything into the fact that two of my posts this morning were about foreskins.

So this doctor has done circumcisions for 20 years. And because he hates waste, he kept all the foreskins in formaldehyde. Go with me on this, it’s a joke. One day he takes all the foreskins to a leather worker, and asks what can be made from them. The leather worker tells him to come back in a […]

ME: Did you send me an email about the Budget Foresight meeting? PEER: Yeah, why? ME: You might want to check your autocorrect when you send these from your phone. Unless we are actually having a meeting about budget foreskins. PEER: Oh fuck.

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here. >_

Another Mandela Effect: The black woman who refused to give up her seat on a bus and sparked the Civil Rights Movement has passed away. You remember who that was, right? It was Claudette Colvin. Did you think it was Rosa Parks?

Ok Lightman, maybe you can tell us who first came up with the idea of reproduction without sex. “Umm … your wife?” Get out Lightman. Get out.

How many men with big dicks does it take to change the tire on a Cybertruck? I don’t know, no man with a big dick owns a Cybertruck.

How does a smart man change the tire on a Cybertruck? He sells the Cybertruck and buys a Chevy.

In the book by Dr. Seuss, the guy who knows a lot about cutting down trees is called the lore-axe.

Do you think there’d be interest if a guy who looks like David Harbour had an OnlyFans?

Wikipedia defines a Flexible Spending Account as “a special tax advantaged financial account designed to help with payment for medical services”. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy defines the people who manage FSAs as “a bunch of mindless jerks who’ll be the first against the wall when the […]

Today I helped someone cover up a swastica tattoo. You can’t see it all anymore. It’s amazing what 6 feet of dirt will do.

[Politics - Greenland] Surprisingly, there are absolutely NO safeguards in the NATO charter to prevent one member from attacking another.

This guy goes to his doctor and says, “PLEASE HELP ME. I’VE HAD A BOOMING VOICE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE.” The doctor examines him and says “well, it’s because you have such a large penis. It pulls down on your whole body and stretches your vocal chords. I could replace it with […]

The changes to the vaccine schedule are NOT catastrophic. But they do expose a problem with American health care. Several other developed nations have similar schedules (Germany, Sweden, Norway). The science still fully supports the new schedule. However, the American vaccine plan of […]

Come on Cohagen, you got what you want. Give the people AIR!

The diesel engine was not named after the type of fuel that it uses. The engine was named after its inventor, Rudolph Diesel. The fuel was then named after the type of engine it was used in. Look it up.

German Chocolate Cake is not German. It's named after Samuel German, an American. And it was invented while German was working for Walt Baker, who gave his name to Baker's Chocolate. Look it up.

[Politics] So is FIFA going to rescind the peace prize, or what?

Happy Gnu Year!

Happy Hearthfire to everyone who survived our New Years Eve D&D game!

A song I wrote after watching my friend try to light a fire in the fireplace. Sung to the tune of “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Oh he reached in to a flaming pit of fire, He started happy but now he is a crier, Because it burned … His shirt’s on fire. His shirt’s on fire.

I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when the Post Office had three classes of service: Fast Horse, Slow Horse, and Tied to Slave’s Leg.

I don’t just remember America Online, I remember when it was called The Colonies Online.

Look I’m not saying I’m old, but my Social Security number is “4”.

I brought a 3.5” floppy disk into my lab. One of my interns said “oh cool, you 3D printed the save icon!” I spontaneously broke my hip.

Zepbound update. I’ve been on 10 units per week for 4 weeks now, and I’ve lost about 8 pounds. Thats without making any major life changes. I’m just not as hungry or interested in food as I used to be. This week I’m starting on 20 units. Supposedly this is when the experience changes from “this […]