ME: (Flipping through TikTok) GIRL: Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting! GUY: Then wash it. ME: (spittakes) God dammit.

Hear me out - a ramen delivery service with sexy naked delivery people. I call it "nudes with noods".

People are debating whether or not it's "disgusting" for women to put their credit card in their bra. Wake me if someone wants me to stop putting mine under my balls.

Another odd thing about Cialis - it doesn’t take a day off. My mate has been unavailable for a while (for various reasons), and with no other partners at the moment, the only alternative has been aggressive masturbation. That being said, if you live in the Philly area, have daddy issues, and […]

Who else has sex dreams about Loona? Let’s see some raised hands or private parts.

Oh you’re stupid. I can work with that. Daddy like dummy. Rawr.

[Politics - Transgender] "They want to have transgender for everybody." - Donald Trump, 9/26/25

“The Amish have no autism!” “Really? An entire community builds a barn in a DAY and you’re telling me there’s NO hyperfocus involved?”

Your bedroom is basically just a large room for you to be unconscious in. That seems like a waste of space. Beds should fold out of the wall in any other room - living room, kitchen, etc - and then fold back in when you get up. Imagine if you could turn your bedroom into a den or a craft room […]

It’s HOMO sapiens, not HETERO sapiens. It’s the BI-ble, not the STRAIGHT-ble. And it’s not go queerly to hell. It’s go STRAIGHT to hell.

[Politics - Comey] I couldn’t give less of a shit about what happens to James Comey. He’s the reason Trump got elected in the first place, it’s poetic justice if he puts Trump in jail.

Technically, your home is just one giant walk-in closet with multiple sections and plumbing.

Your bedroom is just a big walk-in closet with a special area to be unconscious in.

[Politics - Shutdown] Regarding the looming government shutdown: Every previous President: I’m the President, the buck stops here. Donald Trump: It’s all the fault of those horrible Democrats. Even though they don’t have a majority anywhere in government, we’re powerless to stop them. We […]

Holy shit. Traffic is actually really light this morning. Did the Rapture actually happen?

I just hope that people get raptured along with their cars. Otherwise rush hour is gonna suck.

Did the rapture happen? Because traffic is just as bad as it was yesterday.

I have a theory. Once someone noticed that Berenstain Bears was spelled differently, we jumped onto the worst timeline possible.

More vaccine facts: in most vaccines, the vast majority of the liquid being injected is just saline. literally the exact same stuff they put in an IV to keep you hydrated. The actual vaccine is less than 5% of the total solution. So the idea that giving babies vaccines gives them “too much […]

Today at work ... BOSS: Mads were you watching the autism announcement? ME: Nope. Did he blame vaccines? BOSS: Yep. ME: What's the culprit? Is it mercury? Preservatives? Live viruses? BOSS: "too much liquid" ME: Too much liquid? BOSS: Yeah. Babies are tiny, shots are big, it's too much liquid […]

Tylenol. Holy fuck do I have to do this? Fine, I'll do this. There is NO "safe" drug to take during pregnancy, ok? Any drug you take during pregnancy is a trade off - what will do more harm, the drug or whatever you're taking it for. In other words, ALL drugs should only be taken if you NEED […]

It’s very likely that RFK Jr. will announce that vaccines are the cause of autism. As someone in the medical field I cannot stress this enough: VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM. They also don’t “trigger” autism and they don’t “make it worse”. The vaccine regime for kids is perfectly safe, and should […]

You know what’s underrated? Leaving people alone to live how they want.

One of my kids asked me how I’d feel if they were trans. I told them I’d be very … transparent.

If you’re googling for pictures of Gary Oldman, I cannot stress enough how important it is to type the “r” in his name.

I appreciate that you all turned my question into a sea shanty. I do still need an answer. How DO you start an F-16?

Fathers Day is literally Motherfuckers Day.

You know it's true.

[Politics - Democratic Socialism] The only response to the Right moving farther to the right is for the Left to fully embrace Democratic Socialism. We have to be an alternative to the Right, not a watered down version of it.

This message is for all my kids. Every year during pride, I announce that if your own father doesn’t accept you for who you are, then forget about him and I’m your father now. This message is for you: All that matters is being happy. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what career you pick, where you […]

You know what I really like about being queer? My sexuality does have to make sense to anyone but me. I’m attracted to whoever the fuck I’m attracted to. There’s no rules, no restrictions. Roll the dice, I just might think you’re hot. Get a natural 20 and there’s fireworks.

Ask your parents (or grandparents) if they have a round or square scar on their shoulder. That’s from the smallpox vaccine. Anyone born before 1970 will probably have that scar, especially if they were an adult when they were vaccinated.

I want to clarify a statistic I quoted about measles. I said that 1 in 5 will die without hospitalization. I think the way I worded it was misleading. 1 in 5 will require hospitalization. I made the assumption that if they don’t get hospitalization they will die. I’m sorry for the confusion.

@drmaddkap I remember the Measles. I remember how my mom worried that when I grew up and got pregnant, I might get exposed to it. (At the time, she could not imagine a world without the Measles.) When a pregnant woman (even a vaccinated one, I'm told) is exposed to Measles, her unborn baby has […]

The MMR vaccine is perfectly safe. Measles is not. MMR vaccine- studied for more than 50 years. Less than 1 in 1,000,000 chance of allergic reaction. No chance of death or permanent injury. NO evidence of increased risk of autism. Measles- 1 in 5 will die without hospitalization. 1 in 500 will […]

I would vote for anyone who ran on a platform of “bullet trains connecting all major cities”. The fact that it would be an all day train trip to get from Philly to Pittsburgh is ridiculous. And a plane is no better, when you factor in driving to the airport, getting through the security […]

Facts about the measles vaccine: It’s 97-99% effective. It’s a live attenuated virus. It has one of the most well evidenced safety profiles. If vaccination rates fall to under 95% of the population, we lose herd immunity. Losing herd immunity means about 1 million new cases in Florida alone.

At the LexCorp Brainstorming Session … DRMADDKAP: We need new ideas people! You! New guy. Whatcha got? SCIENTIST: (timidly) Well, uh, Superman gets his power from the sun, right? DRMADDKAP: … yes. SCIENTIST: And uh, yours come from the moon. DRMADDKAP: (bored) Yes. SCIENTIST: Well … uh … we […]

(Filling out my jury duty summons) ME: Let’s see … “Are you aware of any reason why you might not make a good juror?” Answer “Werewolf” WIFE: … did you really write that? ME: Yes, but it’s not like I said I AM a werewolf. Maybe I’m just someone who is afraid of werewolves. Either way, I think […]

Alright everyone, hold the fuck up. That’s me. I’m the fuck up. Please hold me.

I really like the new paved Rose Garden at the White House. The Kennedy Rose garden was meant to be a retreat for the First Family. This new look screams “grumpy old white guy in assisted living facility”.

[Politics Epstein Files Trigger Warning] Now that Trump’s birthday card to Epstein is public, why is no one saying the obvious? It’s not a “curvaceous woman” that Trump drew (as the media is saying). It’s a pre-teen. It’s fucking disgusting and people need to address this. He drew a pre-teen […]

Sometimes Philadelphia violate its own motto of fuck around and find out. Septa cuts their routes in half, putting hundreds of more cars on the road. At the same time PNO add speed cameras to major roads. They’re basically making it impossible to commute into the city in any reasonable amount of […]

Star Trek III, Updated T’LAR: Sarek, the body of your son breathes still. What is your wish? SAREK: I ask for Fal Tor Pan. The refusion. For he is my only child. Except his sister that I can’t talk about. And his half brother who I also can’t talk about because he shows emotions, which no Vulcan […]

Does it make you a monsterfucker if you are the monster that does the fucking? What if you’re a monster who fucks things that aren’t monsters? Are you still a monsterfucker?

If monsterfuckers fuck monsters, what do motherfuckers fuck?

I think my printer is overheating.

WAITER: Do you wanna box for your leftovers? ME: Whoa dude, there’s no need for violence. You can just have them. WIFE: (sigh)

Dammit. I suddenly have this need to have sex with people regardless of gender. You know. It’s a PANic attack.

It’s an ice cream stand. This is clearly false advertising.