The only reason I've ever been hard on myself is because people have expectations of me that exceed my own at their most. I'm expected to be some sort of deity that serves everyone's wish when I'm just an individual with my own strengths and desires.

Not having any solo hobbies really, really hurts my enjoyment of life. I've tried so many though and I don't find any of them interesting, and on top of that being alone is so draining.

"You're fine! You just made a tiny mistake; why are you so afraid—" I've had friends turn against me for far less. The bar is in hell.

Life is so empty... I have nothing to live for...

Kind of feel like the things I'm good at... there's no demand for. No need for an otter for anyone to snuggle, talk to, and learn board games from.

I wish I could talk to animals. The only reason I don't just get a bunch of pets and isolate myself from society is that my communication needs aren't met by them.

Feeling overwhelmed in how much hatred I have for humanity... I swear at this point I could make a book of all the things most people do that tick me off and I don't think I'd ever stop writing it.

Going through a pretty large backlog of short indie games today - first finishing our wiggling in Thrasher, then the narrative adventure A Pizza Delivery and finally soaring around in VORON: Raven's Story. twitch.tv/emotionalsup... #furrylive

Happy #tummytuesday! Did a tried and true concept for a video, hope you all like it.

Maybe it would be best to sleep a long time every night. I can because of my meds. Life is just a waiting room anyways. Nothing ever actually happens unless you get lucky.

Everyone's out there enjoying life with their partners... and I keep waiting to have someone to talk to at least, wanting to be closer, yearning to the point where if it doesn't ever happen I'd rather be dead...

I think that sushi might be a little *too* good x3 Won a raffle from @ferretbelly.bsky.social for a weight gain piece! Thank you so much!

Trying something new today - going to be sharing my world of board gaming with you all as we play some solo games and unbox others! All the while I'll be recapping my board game con experience from last weekend. twitch.tv/emotionalsup... #furrylive

If only a tenth of the people who enjoy my sona or body enjoyed my personality...

It could be nice if I eliminated any pain, any feeling from life permanently. I mean there would be no more pleasure but does pleasure really exist anyways?

Interrupting sadposting to share a YCH I got from @takaalive.bsky.social! Appropriate for the rainy atmosphere today feels like I suppose. Now to just find a tiny newt friend...

"Just get treatment, it's easy!" people say for depression when meds don't work, therapy doesn't work, TMS doesn't work, ketamine doesn't work, exercise doesn't work, people don't like you, hobbies depend on others being around, ECT causes severe memory loss... what else is there?

I guess the main reason I sadpost on here so much is I have no one who will listen to me. So I figure someone will if I talk here. Kinda pathetic but it is what it is.

Brains are wonderful. I love that you can be broken up with once and then become permanently impaired for the rest of your life, and the majority of the population will be turned off by your existence and mannerisms.

Wow every time I have nothing to do suicidal thoughts just arrive instantly. It's like the friend that only shows up to keep me company when no one else does. I'm not really sure I want this friend though?

Since I missed a stream last week, doing an extra one this week. Going to reattempt IRL board games on Monday, and during the latter part of the week we'll be covering some Kickstarter games I have *really* been looking forward to. Maybe a bonus stream on Saturday if nothing is going on.

The way people talk about social energy is completely different to how I experience mine. I can literally socialize forever but experience any rejection or non-interactivity and I instantly want to crawl back into my shell. Basically when I'm deprived of socializing is when I'm drained.

It might be time for my monthly "being single sucks" post. Yep, still sucks. And I know it's because I always happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It doesn't feel like there's anything I could possibly be doing to make a relationship happen. Just a dumb game or chance.

Reaching out to new people would be a heck of a lot easier if it didn't result in you being ghosted or ignored 90% of the time.

Was really unsure of whether to post this... but why not? It'll make someone happy I suppose. Have some #FCF from me.

Decided to go to a small board game con this weekend with zero expectations and day 1 has been great! Good to know I can have fun even not knowing many people, if it at least revolves around something I like.

Why is finding a psychiatrist in Ohio that has an appointment in the next two months literally impossible. Like, I'm just trying not to run out of medications and go through withdrawal. It shouldn't be this hard.

I've heard so much conflicting information about Twitch numbers that I'm just not going to care about mine anymore. Who knows if Twitch stopped counting lurkers or people are less interested... I guess what matters is whether I enjoy streaming.

Learning slowly that the way to make friends online is more about actually being the one to approach people in more private settings rather than putting out open invitations in places like this. I'll still put myself out here in case people find me, but I want to focus more on smaller circles.

Oh snap. I have a copy that I got long before I realized I hate battle royales. Maybe I should give this a shot?

Did the Pokémon thing. I have a lot of critter shaped favorites hmmmm

Today's going to be a bit of a hodgepodge - first we're finishing up our humorous adventure in SuperQuest, then doing some narrative 1-bit platforming in Prototype Juan by @martypixelrod.bsky.social, and finally taking a look at a very wiggly eel in Thrasher. twitch.tv/emotionalsup... #furrylive

There's round things on your timeline? Must be a #tummytuesday indeed.

No matter what happens, there's always going to be a web of safety keeping me around. It's why I always work so hard on connections constantly, with many people. No matter who may fall out of favor with me, there's always someone there. I want to keep it that way.

Oh hey I have more followers here than Twitter now! I mean that should be expected considering I haven't posted there in a year, but it's nice that this is finally my biggest social media account (besides Twitch).

Mondays suck, but let's have a laugh to make them better! I'll be trying SuperQuest today, an RPG that promises to be chock full of jokes. twitch.tv/emotionalsup... #furrylive

All I ever wanted my whole life was the same care others get on a daily basis. And yet people try to tell me it's wrong to make that my only goal in life. I don't have aspirations for anything else, never have in years.

You can just tell there's a lot of people who haven't experienced either the feeling of being rejected by many, or an extreme unmet need for company that understands you. A lot of people try to downplay those feelings or suggest that they're "wrong" in some way.

This week we're playing a really funny RPG, retro platformer, arcade rhythm game, and trying something new! On Thursday I'll take a crack at playing solo board games IRL on stream.

Despite a month full of mostly driving around and moving cross country I got a lot of games in! Half Board Game Arena, with some IRL games played with family, friends, and my board game meetup.

So were 99% of barq users given the instructions to be extremely antisocial? Never message and drop conversations as soon as possible?

Seems like everyone is either tired when they go to sleep or when they wake up. I'm only tired when I wake up, I am wide awake when I try to sleep. Is anyone both?

For me being alone is so terrible because I like new things and I've existed in my own company for the majority of 31 years. Nothing I can think at this point is new or different, and having the unpredictability of someone else around is exciting and keeps me going.

We're celebrating Halloween today with the biggest horror of all - using your brain! Trying out Spooky Express, where we'll be building train tracks to get everyone to their haunted destination. twitch.tv/emotionalsup... #furrylive

I crave emotional intimacy so, so much. I want to bond so hard I can't let go.

I want someone to seduce me with a soft and warm body, a blanket, maybe some plushies and music, and nothing more. Just cuddles. Maybe horny if it naturally happens, but I don't want that to be the main focus. I could really use some comfort.

Welp reached the point where the novelty of being in Ohio is over and wishing for company, cuddles, and games to happen more instead of spending all this time alone. *sigh*

My stomach is making some pretty gnarly noises after eating Benihana. I can think of a handful of people that would want to hear lmao

My board game group in Ohio is still playing the same games they played a year ago, before I left. Nobody is willing to put any effort into learning new games. They won't even look at the things I bring. Ugh... I need to find a group that'll actually branch out.

My birthday may have been yesterday but it's time to celebrate being 31 on stream! We'll be using our special time to tour an island for racing challenges in @ekenz.bsky.social's Go Kart Island. twitch.tv/emotionalsup...