I've paused my Butcher's Bill of Trauma journal while preparing for the 1st landlord inspection in 5 years. Limited spoons. I'll acknowledge that I'm avoiding a big incident next in the journal. It involves bf betrayal, car accident resulting in broken collar bone, and abandonment. #PTSD #CPTSD

Eros has beef with my Emotional Support Demon. Perhaps he feels that's his job and establishing his rights on the matter? The again... he does the same thing to me... I love my giant boy. ❤️ He really does give me so much joy and comfort. #Cats #Familiar #CatSky

My Booboo Bear! Baby pic of my grandson from 15 years ago. It's my favorite. That tongue out! The cuteness is deadly! ☠️👀☠️ #GenX #Gay

My friends know this. Part of this is not wanting to be a nuisance. Part of it is being an empath. Part of it is social anxiety. Part of it is truly being a loner by nature. Part of it is conserving energy for emergencies so that I can actually be useful when needed. #ADHD #Autism #AuDHD #GenX

Equinox by Joe Phillips (words mine) Day and night in equal measure A balance, twice a year Nature's forces swirl in preparation For the changing of the seasons The cycle always turns No matter what we are doing Endless, eternal, inevitable #Witch #Gaywitch #WitchSky #Pagan #Poem #Poetry

Eros putting up with my shit as I see what plushies he reacts to. The Emotional Support Demon offended him by being on him. ESD ended up on the floor fast. He was curious about the platypus. After he looked at the Build-a-Bear leopard, he put a paw on it and tucked his face into my hand. #Cats

My favorite necklace broke for the 3rd time this year. If I go by certain traditions, it means it's taken hits that would have nailed me magically. It'll be a while before I restring it again. Too many other priorities currently. Just making me wonder what I've dodged. #Witch #GayWitch #WitchSky

It's weird how individual symptoms can be. I require 2nd Body to overcome Executive Dysfunction for chores. But, it can't be anyone I live with or related to me. It doesn't kick in with them. Hubby's needs related tasks to be visibly started. 2nd Body doesn't work for him. #ADHD #AuDHD #Autism

Picked up my meds today. ✔️ Got them into the pill cases. ✔️ I actually use 1 compartment per day. This is 98 days of meds where I don't have to remember each bottle daily. I got this type where each compartment locks, requiring pressing a tab down. A furball kept knocking it off my nightstand.

Seeking my peace You cry foul I draw boundaries You double down I withdraw consent You claim contract I hide away You hunt me I find therapy You gaslight harder I find memories You shout denials I resist exploitation You determine debt Regardless, I shall overcome And absolutely prevail. #poetry

Just going to have this as a daily affirmation stuck on my mirror.

Sometimes... the Universe sends clear(?) messages... Found this. I honestly thought they were all out of general circulation by now. Then I pondered the year itself. Oh. Yeah. Great. So, found silver coin. Prosperity. Big trouble starting. That checks out. #Witch #GayWitch #WitchSky

Eros has zero understanding that his 18 pounds gets heavy as hell when he insists on the one arm hold... He did give my ear a lot of love. Rubbing his nose and face on my deaf ear. At least it still has a use other than a decorative earring holder! #Cats #Familiar #CatSky

Therapist is kinda happy about this. I showed it to him. Also told him that I am pretty done being the Peacemaker, in family or with anyone at all. I'll no longer use my energy/time/space where it serves little to no practical effect. He was nodding positively to this as well. #PTSD #CPTSD

I'm: evolving, healing, stripping away that which was never mine, removing things & people that only drain, giving myself the grace others never would, shifting my stare inward to outward, and allowing myself to expand past others' perceptions of me. Your acceptance is not required, just your exit.

So, I've had a huge problem concerning my meds refills my entire adult life: 1) Executive Dysfunction about calling them in when due. 2) Anxiety with cold calls w/ people I don't know. 3) It's taken me many years to line up all refills at same time. 4) Object Permanence #Autism #AuDHD #ADHD

So, Eros seems to have been doing Cat Yoga... maybe? It just struck me how strange his poses were, almost angular. Still, he finally realized I was taking pictures and gave me the Feline Judgment Stare #3, trademarked. This was the foot of my bed. Read alt text. #Cats #Familiar #CatSky

Rained last night. Got up at 5am, achy. Got my coffee and smokes. Sitting at my Porch Domain, just scrolling through video shorts, stimming through that. Then... my rosemary bushes... the scent power slams me. My body calmed. My brain quieted. The combined rain and rosemary... damn! #Witch #Autism

Eros loves this particular cat toy a lot and often sleeps with it. Should we be concerned? Is he making a statement? Are we gonna both when he wakes up while we're both asleep?! #Cats #Familiar #CatSky

The lizard population is recovering swiftly with the passing of Prince Spicy. He hunted lizards mercilessly. This is the biggest one I've seen in years.

My #ADHD / #AuDHD memory hack for when I plan on making beef stew in my crackpot. 1) Note on coffee maker. 2) Place dry stuff, cans, and broth by crackpot. 3) get precut veggies from freezer, beef from fridge. 4) Actually come back from Porch for more coffee. 5) see #1 and do it. Read alt text.

So, in the positive column last week: Got the results for 2 separate CAT scans. Lungs- No change in a year from concerning nodules on lower lungs. Likely scarring from pneumonia in my 20s. Not cancer. 👍 Right kidney- downgraded to engorged vein rather than cyst. Like a varicose vein on legs. 🤷‍♂️

*ponders birthday in 7 weeks* Honestly, I'd just like postcards, sent through the mail, stamped. Whatever you think appropriate. From any of my tagged communities. Lael 3271 Chestnut Street Riverside CA 92501 #Witch #Gay #GenX #Autism #ADHD #CMT1A #PTSD #CPTSD #Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #Cats

Sometimes, Eros shows why I do a majority of my creative work out on the Porch. I tried working on my bed. Lil Creep immediately got in my business! Any time I reached for a tool, he paw swiped my hand... Jokes on him, I still got it done! 😝 #Cats #Familiar #CatSky

Flames erupting Within my mind A fire storm Of heat and ashes A twisting funnel Tearing up the cemetery Throwing trauma upwards Spinning in circles Disorienting and chaotic Making everything hurt From memory unsought Disinterred from the grave I thought it long buried Now in the open A new hot mess.

FB post from 4 years ago about #ChronicIllness and the battle between mental vs physical. "It is like a duel between brain fatigue and physical fatigue. Executive Dysfunction/brain fog vs Chronic Fatigue/Pain. Both want dominance; I want both to exit entirely." #Autism #ADHD #CMT1A #Fibromyalgia

Sooooo... I finally just sat with my headphones on. Nothing playing. I get confused. Suddenly, I realized that I'm hearing my tinnitus clearly. No masking from input from my surroundings or from other sources... I had forgotten just how loud that damn shit is! #Autism #AuDHD #ADHD #tinnitus

He looked so cute all stretched out and napping while I played Skyrim. Video games are part of my comfort stimming. He likes to be with me during that time. Often, he'll lay at my feet facing the TV and watch whatever game I'm playing. My sleepy boy! #cats #Familiar #CatSky

Have chicken sitting duty again. I've agreed to put the Clucken in her coop tonight and release her in the morning.

So... as I continue the therapy + deal with autistic burnout, I'm finding my center/core has shifted significantly. I'm nearly middle Gray/Shadow path now, having most of my life White/Light path. I'm now comfortable blending Dark and Light at need. Due to trauma, I suppressed my Darkness entirely.

Today's #Hex material find: large rusty nail. I found it on the street months ago. Sat in my truck's center console cup holder for weeks. Brought it inside and put on a shelf. ADHD Object Permanence erased it from memory. Found today and bottled up for the hex collection. #Witch #GayWitch #WitchSky

*pauses at random thought* Are our post "saves" publicly viewable? *shrugs and carries on* It's not like I haven't been absolutely transparent about being a #kink liking, nasty minded, #GenX #Gay Troll. Look at mine at your own risk! Attempted Puritanical shaming will be viciously mocked. FAFO

Time doesn't heal All wounds It preserves, curates It isn't linear either Rather an endless spiral Bringing us back Reshowing us All we thought past Giving us the chance To rethink, evaluate With new knowledge With gained experience Everything we thought We understood about it It's never done with

Working on adjusting to and accepting physical pressure of the headphones against my ears and top of my head. My sensory sensitivity is mainly tactile. The addition of sound to that makes it difficult. The relief is worth the retraining of my body. I'll keep at it, reminding myself. #Autism #AuDHD

I can't express in words, symbols, interpretive dance, sign language, or in any meaningful way, the amount of pure lust to possess this for my Porch Domain! I long for this with all my being! Sadly, by the time I save for this magnificent creation, it'll be unavailable. *deep, longing sigh*

I'm having my 1st cigarette of the day, 1st cup of coffee, having just woken up. Still groggy. This is my view from the Porch Domain... apparently an issue happening with my neighbor to the left. Hubby scurried back inside once guns appeared. Me... no fucks to give. My danger sense isn't activated

I was convinced by hubby's headphones. I got mine on Amazon. $30, half off from $60... plus free overnight... newer model than his, same brand. Holy crap! The noise canceling aspect even better than his! I've just got to get used to wearing them. That part is going to take a while. #Autism #AuDHD

Hubby let me try his noise canceling headphones. Having Sensory Sensitivity issues with my right ear ever since the left went completely deaf 2 years ago. Issues to the point of actual, intense pain from loud sounds of various kinds, mostly mechanical. Just did test. Alt text. #Autism #ADHD #AuDHD

#Hex ingredients collection. I like being able to easily see everything without labeling. 4 empty bottles ready for filling as I find new things I want to add. The free cigar box collection keeps on proving useful! Just have to decide how to label the top of boxes. #Witch #Gaywitch #Occult #Pagan

#Hex ingredient goal achieved. I originally indicated I wanted Black Widow egg sack. Today, I found 2 empty spider sacks, but I know they aren't Widow since those are larger, smooth, and a deeper/brighter yellow. I'll accept these, despite not knowing species. Hundreds of baby spiders gets it done.

I laughed & nodded. This has been very obvious my whole #Gay life. Yes, even as #GenX, it's been a thing that far back. Back in the day, they screwed (sex) you, then bashed to reset their outraged conservative sexuality. (Google gay panic defense, kiddos) Even had a gay term: rough trade. #Meme

Cracked myself up as I did my daily FB memories deletion. I'm saving pics, memes, and screenshotting posts I care about as I go. This one is still accurate to my personality. 🤣

My hubby joined me upon the Porch Domain... I glance over to see this... 😂🔥☠️ I lost it laughing. 🤣 I reminded him I just bought garlic stuffed olives. He gives a sheepish grin & says, "I forgot." He's also #ADHD. He'd watched me snack on some last night. The olive jar was next to the pickle jar!

Pondering the outer limits and boundaries concerning hexing. Is there a limit? Must they be living? Is there such a thing as too far? Does petty inconvenience qualify? Is the energy spent worth the results? How large a group becomes ineffective? Are there ways to amplify the effects?

"Convince a man against his will and he will be of the same opinion still." Anne McCaffery, Masterharper of Pern

Suddenly I'm having a severe case of Imposter Syndrome. As I scan back through my #PTSD journal, I find myself asking if what I wrote down really is a trauma. Doubting it rose to the level of a "trauma". Doubting my younger self's perception at the time. Doubting my current perception of memory.

So, a friend helped me clean up my kitchen. I'd several I used for holding empty Sparkling Ice bottles in. She wanted to break them all down for recycling. I said sure, just not the one on its side. That was Eros' observation of kitchen shenanigans hiding place. Here's proof #Cat #Familiar #CatSky

So, doing the #PTSD, #CPTSD therapy has finally truly registered in my #AuDHD brain as Shadow Work. The Shadow Work is now symbolized by the doubled chain necklace turned anklet. It fits perfectly there. I'm magically/spiritually tying the chain to this work. Once completed, I'll ritually remove it.

When your chronic illness catches you having a good time:

As a #gay man, I've always spoken out against #bi/pan erasure. With the exception of my husband, my best relationships have always been with bi/pan men. I've never assumed or said that bi/pan is just a stage before coming out as fully gay. That shit enrages me! Let everyone simply be in the moment!