I will adopt a daughter, just to name her Gemini ♊️ ♥️

*when you accidentally put your vegan Parmesan cheese on you salad instead of your spaghetti, so it’s a doubley cheesy night* #morecheeseplease

Frank Gehry was a monster

I live in Los Angeles. We are out of the drought. What are some fun ways to use water before we are in drought again? #losangeles #waterdoesntdefineme #meteorologist #weather

I want/like/prefer/favor my kefir very sour.

My dog was diagnosed with Münchausen syndrome. Therapy is expensive. Please pray for him.

Don’t even get me started on the green pea diet #naturalliving #cleanse

I try not to eat pork, but it’s never stopped me. #tryingtobevegan

Cockroaches are nature’s little vacuums. Go to bed with crumbs on the floor, wake up to spick n span-throw your swifter away kind of floors. It really is about perspective. 🪳

Am I gnaughty for putting sugar on my pepperoni pizza? #morechzplz

RIP OJ Simpson

Thinking about donating my tech money to search for God. I haven’t found him yet, but he’s definitely been tickling me.

The smell of childhood is wet. It’s musty. It’s intense Pine-sol and plumber’s putty wafting heavily at you as you flush the high pressure toilet that spritzes the air. It’s dried pink soap and dribbles of urine. And GOD chose that to be your church bathroom experience. Because GOD is good! ✝️ 🙌

Does the Pope get days off?

pontiphilictus noun \ ˌpän-ti-fi-ˈlik-təs \ Plural: pontiphilicti \ ˌpän-ti-fi-ˈlik-tī \ Definition: A person who experiences persistent or exclusive sexual attraction to the pope, particularly in his role as Pontifex Maximus, the supreme leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

Wondering how many gays, intersex, and non-cis men are amongst the 133 cardinals. Fascinating that we likely will never know!

I can only sleep down pillows, but I know they aren’t ethical. What type of bird naturally loses enough feathers where I can make my own down pillows?

How do you ensure your #dog has a healthy #sex life? #dogdad

I never knew roses were real. I thought they were only made for supermarkets and that the big flowers in gardens were something else. So pretty! #flowerpower #rosesarered #gardening

You might have friends in high places, but I have sober friends.

FYI popey can be used in the exact same way as popal. I’m not sure who we’re trying to impress with popal.

When a pope dies, a new pope becomes the pope.

I know #adoptdontshop but is cloning considered shopping? #thefutureisnow #dogdad

How much extra sugar can I add to my fruits before the fruits’ beneficial properties stop canceling out the sugar? #health #sciencr #stem #nutrition

Studies show that an increase in phone addiction has resulted in a decrease in lost iPhones since they’re always being used. Phone companies would sell more replacement phones and make them less addicting.

Plants are the closest things we’ll ever have to aliens.

You never think you’re going to lose your phone—until you do. The weeks after Dorie Chevlen lost hers were expensive and stressful. Dorie outlines what she should have done before her phone went missing—and the steps you can take now to prevent a lost phone from ruining your life. nyti.ms/4j9eSsg

Do politics actually affect us? 🤔

Are women relieved to be pregnant sometimes because it means they don’t have to have a period?

Wild how the party screaming about government overreach is also the one trying to control books, bodies, and ballots—while blaming inflation on diversity programs and pretending billionaires are oppressed.

I’m starting a canned watermelon business before produce gets expensive because of Trump and it’s going to be called Jordan’s Big Juicies

Ugh why did you have to tell me what a dingleberry was?

Dark hole to nowhere. Get your mind out of the gutter!

I’m soaking my beans and they’re giving 101 Dalmatians. Don’t tell me they aren’t.

Sometimes when I eat granola, I taste a funny seed that tastes like paint. Then I remember that there is flax seed in my granola, which is also used in old linseed oil paint.

Thinking about the study relating little t trauma to disdain for dark meat poultry.

Throwback to making sausages for Super Bowl

Been watching animal birthing videos this morning and I think pigs are my favorite to watch. They just fall out, so I don’t think it hurts the mama really bad.

Are these things vegan? -roadkill -rat trap -died from old age? I don’t think I’d eat them, but if I wanted to use their parts for something?

God damnit

Long johns > donuts Because a long John is just more donut 🍩

Feeling springy 💚

Feeling biological. Replanted my pineapple head.

Interesting

There was a neat scientific study that came out a few years ago about how people who wore dark eyeshadow slept more deeply than non-eyeshadow wearers because it blocked light.

Can’t sleep. Life is too exciting right now.

I heard hashtags don’t work here. How do increase my follower count?

My first book, “Against the Grain: Baking Traditions Reimagined” comes out in a couple of months! Stayed tuned for a release date!

Great baking hack my mom learned from her grandma: tapping your bowl of dry ingredients activates the flour for chocolate chip cookies and brownies, which makes them so gooey!

This has metaphor potential #poetry #meme #gardener