When companies are going under, instead of selling to conglomerates they should sell by individual assets. Like hell yeah I’d love to control distribution rights and what not to Dunston Checks In for like maybe a thousand bucks

If I had a billion dollars I’d retire and build the worlds most impressive VUDU library

If someone said to me right now “I like your outfit” I’d say “aw shucks, this little number?” And then point to my lion onesie pajamas

My brother made me like my own damn post in public once.

If I could go back and do it all again, when the pandemic hit I’d shave all my hair off my body and head so I look like a hot dog, and I’d wear a bun and knock on peoples windows at 3 AM and say “I’m a damn hot dog, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Saw a episode of the Simpsons where the teacher with the hard name (let’s just call her Edna) gets prank love letters from Bart under the pen name of “Woodrow” (as in after the president) you seriously fell for that Edna?? No one had been named Woodrow in a hundred years!!!

Im keep it 100 with you, I wrote a number perfect for a broadway musical at 3 AM once.

If yall are wondering why im up late it’s cuz i turned the TV off too early and i cut a demo earlier and listened to it for and hour straight while playing Wizard 101 and its stuck in my head now and the cherry on top is I have to pee but I don’t want to be cold

Damn girl, you from Star Wars? Call her my Queen cuz Imma dial her. (Send this to a Star Wars baddie please please PLEASE!!!!)

So I know im gonna p a lot of ppl off with this take but why tf do mfers schedule gigs for bands and then go on Facebook like “I have a paying gig but need a full line up for it, anyone down?” Like why you tryna schedule gigs for bands that don’t exist

Dunkin’s having Chocolate Salty Balls on their menu wasn’t on my 2025 bingo card but here we are

Where was these student discounts on streaming when I was a kid??

Taking my cousin Ryan to Hooters sometime soon.

Santa has two wives lol #macysdayparade

What heinous crimes did Turkeys commit to warrant them needing to be given presidential pardons every year?

Once a juggalo always a juggalo, even if it’s on accident

Gotta fart so bad, it’s just not happening for me tho

Sitting in the bar, where the hoes at?

Next pet I get is gonna wear clothes. Like hell nah you can’t have ur wiener out, we got guests over!

Another restless Shabbat, but hey that’s just the life of an OG

Telling everyone I discovered the band Hot Freaks even though they have hundreds of millions of listens on Spotify

Stfu about Parson Brown, idk who that is, im just trying to play Crossy Road

Santa is lowkey wild for naming his reindeer Nixon and Vixen

In House Tour when Sabrina says “I promise none of this is a metaphor” I believed her first listen

Any hot ladies want to hang out? I’m not talking Netflix and Chill, I’m talking Lego Star Wars TCS and not showering or eating until we 100% the game

Went to a haunted house this week, aka my Uncle Dale’s Florida “estate”

Why is there no Jason Dadoa?

How is my stomach capable of bird noises?

They should have speed runs for driving

My boy Emula has Insemula

Edgar Allen Poe been dead for a hundred some odd years and we still quothing him

Is BBQ short for something?

Damn, The Fault in Our Stars is so sad, any ladies on here ever read it?

Always think of funny skeets but it’s when in on my way home from work and have to poop so ultimately they are forgotten

Just started a free trial of YouTube premium. It's lowkey anxiety inducing cuz it jumpscares you with the actual video and not an ad to help ease you into the video. I genuinely think im gonna prefer youtube with ads. also logged into my phone account and not my tv account so the algo is messed up

It’s better to have a pooping problem than a problem pooping

I like how they decorate liquor stores to match the vibe of the seedy under belly of Coruscant

Can middle class families still afford quad bikes for their stinky mulleted children or is the economy that f’d?

I sleep with 6 weighted blankets, a 15-pounder, four 20-pounders and a 35 pounder. If shawty rolls onto me in her sleep, im finna collapse a lung.

Can’t piss, im constipeeted

My body is a temple and I am the janitor

They had to amputate my extra toe so I did a Tom and Jerry scream when they did. Everyone got the reference

They call it the blood of Christ cuz whenever I drink wine I lowkey perform miracles

The Bee Movie is number 4 on Netflix right now only for the sole reason that my cousin Garrett won’t stop watching the damned movie back to back to back several times a day for the last 10 years

Facebook should NOT put the care react button next to the laugh react button, yall gonna get me in trouble

Wesley Willis is a better lyricist and more punk rock than The Ramones

If you are a company withholding the streaming rights to TV and Movies, FU!!!! I just wanna watch Beef House, Midas Man, Annie Get Your Gun, etc.!!!!

Do you think the in-theater reactions to Love Me Tender its opening week in the 1950’s were secretly the Minecraft Movie of its time? Like what if reacting like that was just the meme of its time, but its looked back on as a serious reaction

If I applied myself I’d certain I could be a chess savant

One thing AI is terrible at is writing funny tweets