This is Annie. She freaking loves fall. 13/10 (FB: James Osborne)

Show me your sky

If you can’t take me at my black socks and tennis shoes you don’t deserve me at my white socks and sandals

Look the only reason I keep sending you reels is so I have somewhere I can look at them later

hold these bootstraps for me so I can cry for a while

Does it count if you eat chocolate while you're meditating? Asking for a friend.

I don’t have a green thumb* *water my plants

When we get a real president, I want Jackie’s rose garden restored. I want the Kennedy Center name put back. I want that $200M gold-plated ego chamber demolished. And I want the Saudi jet dropped in the water outside Mar-a-Lardo and turned into a nonstop immigrant welcome tour.

unironically asks all first dates if they scroll

I’m too tired to slay the day

One day you’re young and party and the next you have a favorite recliner there really is no warning

*me pushing away my second helping of life at the dinner table of the universe* “I filled up on dread, thanks.”

As one would expect, I found mediocrity without having searched for it.

I’ve had to adjust my first quarter forecast to include more crying on my lunch break.

*imagining how different my life could have been if I just hadn’t listened to Nike

I talk a lot of shit for someone who can’t stop washing his hands until his watch congratulates him

I still don’t understand bluetooth

You know what? We all did our best, and no one can take that away from us. Right guys?

*aggressively opens a book.

I never agreed to any of this.

you know you’re allowed to go to TGI Friday on Tuesday or Ruby Tuesdays on Fridays or Chili’s when it’s warm out or Cracker Barrel if you’re ok nvm

If by "morning person" you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes, then yes, I'm a morning person.

It feels like the world is on fire, and part of me wants to just let it burn.

Therapist: When are you happiest? Me:

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

I think we’re going to need a bigger handbasket.

I used to fantasize about sex, now I mostly just dream about the end of all things.

I have a little hummingbird friend and named him Stevie (he rolls his head around a lot when he sits) and I like to talk to him every day. Anyone else, not so much.

I dreamt this world was a better place lol jk all of my dreams are nightmares now

Me: *putting a second pickle on my plate that I know I’ll never eat* I’m gonna eat this pickle

My preoccupation with nonsense is what keeps me sane.

If I don’t drop seventy nine things a day I die

I talk a lot of shit for someone who says lefty loosey righty tighty

Just took a shower with my dog in case anyone's looking for a life coach

If you see a skeet of mine without a typo or missing word, it's probably a counterfeit

The past tense of squeeze is squoze. I will not be taking questions at this time.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who holds his pillows with his teeth when putting on their cases

I’m out here eating Cheetos without a napkin in case anyone is looking for a bad boy

It’s okay eye cream, I don’t work either

DO NOT LOOK UP FROM YOUR PHONE EVERYTHING IS AWFUL

looking forward to the many press conferences during the next pandemic where we’ll be forced to listen to someone who sounds like pennies in a garbage disposal and looks like fried chicken skin telling us how to stay healthy

Pat Sajak flops his dong onto the wheel. “Give it a spin.” His head lolls back in ecstasy as post after post hammers his cock. The wheel comes to a stop. Pat chuckles as he shoots ropey strings of cum onto the BANKRUPT tile. “You’ve lost everything, Belinda.”

Sorry I’m late, I screamed at all the cars as loud as I could

[shrieking] Oops sorry, that was supposed to be my smile.

I often think about how quickly I’d die if I was told to run for my life.

Dead on the inside, but whimsically.

Inquiring minds have had enough.

I doubt there will ever be enough cowbell for all this.

THERAPIST: why do you let everyone walk all over you THE FLOOR: how high are you right now