This can’t be right - me, after trying to have good posture for 30 seconds

Maybe he didn’t really mean “enemy within”… Maybe he was trying to say “acetaminophen.”

Since putting my dad in a nursing home, I have this secret fear that one day I’ll visit him and be horrified to learn I have a new mother.

to defeat a ninja you must hide like a ninja

A vampire weekend strongly suggests the existence of a werewolf workweek.

I want to join a smutty book club but I’m kind of worried what the topics might be and there’s a limit to how many different metaphors I actually know.

No need for make up remover when you can cry off your mascara.

[On a date] I'm really trying to bring cloaks back

If only I could go back to the days when having fun ruled out over being tired . . .

I don’t know why the color of the chip clip has to match the bag of chips it’s goin on it just does

Just did a reality check, would not recommend.

Elon just heard they're making one of the keebler elves biracial and got so mad on his jet he threw one of his toddlers out the emergency exit (Cybertodd)

Just going to lie here in my own filth and think about the bad decisions I've made and the new bad decisions I'll make in the future.

You wanna get outta here, maybe go grab a book or something?

Oh to be a regular Joe in a flat cap clapping enthusiastically for some hepped-up circus clown diverting the crowd’s attention from the horrors

Cap'n Crunch is being awarded an honorary degree from the US Naval Academy. That means he'll be wearing a Cap'n Gown.

Knife to speak with you. Let's catch up again spoon.

I keep meeting eyes with this really old guy at the casino and I'm not sure if he thinks hitting on me or I just won a spot in the Show Case Showdown.

My mouth tastes like I wish I had another chocolate martini and way more spaghetti.

I just want to find joy and peace but also hold grudges and get revenge

cinco de mayo landing on a taco tuesday this year is the new singularity

People make fun of me for carrying a briefcase, but when I show them that it's filled with a series of incrementally smaller briefcases tucked into one another like Russian dolls they stop laughing, and start looking for an excuse to leave.

[before pepper spray was invented] Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect's face* Say when.

At the casino, winning big, because the library book I put on hold 9 months on Libby ago is finally available.

I hope my book about basements turns into a best cellar.

How many karate kicks should you do during a job interview

So apparently, according to my husband, you can't quit your job if you only win $25.

Having a vacation purse is totally a thing.

I'm just here to fuck up your doomscrolling.

Luke, I am your uncle. Luke, I am your third cousin. Luke, I am your grandmother. - Skywalker family reunion

I can't find my husband while at the casino so apparently he wants me to marry someone else.

You can pack your suitcase by just clothes-lining everything on the countertop. It's so easy.

if I stop to think I may never start again

It doesn't seem like having abs should be that difficult. I can't understand why my husband doesn't have any.

I have become collateral at a restaurant where my husband and I had dinner. Apparently I can never leave.

I have numerous degrees, but I think if my skull was dug up in 1,000 years, it would be very small.

You have severely underestimated the number of people I'm willing to catapult into the sun.

I tried to explain the rule of new underwear and bathing suits to my husband: Wash before you wear. He didn't understand. Is it just me or is it a man thing?

I just realized why young people are always the protagonists in fantasy novels. They're still optimistic enough to think they can change the world. A middle aged protagonist would be like, "Meh. Let it burn." Today, I am that protagonist.

Doing my taxes is more exciting than this year's Super Bowl.

my posts are proof that you don’t need to be funny or talented to become mediocre on the internet

Your inspirational quote has a typo in it.

Until ChatGTP can come to my house and vacuum out my car, don’t even talk to me about the AI revolution and all the time it’s going to save me.

*corrects your grammar with more incorrect grammar*

I need a mental health day where I sleep and watch tv, and not one where I buy groceries and complain about always having to wash the grapes.

What's the greatest decade? 80-YEAR-OLD: The 50s. 60-YEAR-OLD: The 70s. 40-YEAR-OLD: The 90s. ME: Mankind's always been terrible.

why should I care about your baby, it’s a literal stranger to me

*peels off resting bitch face to reveal an even more rested and bitchier face*

I know I'm not the only one going through hardship right now, but please keep me in your thoughts as I try to recover from thanking someone for a compliment that wasn't intended for me.