I’ve only been in Vegas for 10 minutes and I now fully understand that only American hubris could’ve created this in the middle of the god forsaken desert

imagine drinking a Monster out there

I have made a terrible decision

Clearly my pilot ticked the “maximum turbulence” button on Google maps, JetBlue said:

as always if I die on my flight please ensure that recording artist Bruno Mars is bound and tossed into my grave so he is forced to serve me in the afterlife as my personal Monster Energy sommelier

I’m gonna chug this entire monster right before boarding so it all hits me at once and I get scared at 30,000 feet fifteen minutes into a 5h flight

it is your god damn American right to tell the TSA agent about your foreskin

love 2 travel

dog who is having a gun battle in Chinatown in Boston right now it’s 230 in the morning give it a rest

lukewarm gas station lobster roll and a monster, the true CEO Breakfast®

crazy ass find in grandmas basement tonight

my kids are playing some pretend game and my son just said in an extremely deep voice- “I am the OWNER of this store… and you must remember the first rule as employee— if you come across a KAREN… YOU MUST NOT LET HER WIN”

As I get older the more sick I think this fit becomes imagine the doorbell ringing and getting up in the middle of the night hitting them with the “whoms’t goes there??”

hey Verizon is service back yet Verizon:

I saw this clip and was like "ah look at that little guy! i love a little robot guy! wonder what he does..." until about 18 seconds in and then i realized i missed the text on the box behind him

twitter has truly become one of the worst websites in existence, what a spectacular downfall

[I’m in Stranger Things but I grew up in an abusive household] lots of normal things happening here guys what’s the big deal

I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE

ARE YOU FUCKIJG KIDDING ME THE WORMS NAME ISN’T RICHARD SCARRY?? THEN WHO THE FUCK IS RICHARD SCARRY??

my damn kids doing the dumbass John Lennon dingus walk around the house again

new sticker day again

DID YOU KNOW? that 6-7 meme your little brother loves to say is actually based on Star(*)-6-7, the vertical service code (VSC) that when dialed blocks the recipient from seeing the number of the caller, and was used solely for pranks like asking if your refrigerator was running

this dentists office is weird as hell man

what do you guys think of my new gym fit

every year my family opens returned mail mystery packages, and this year turned out some real winners

oh you have best friends? having a little best friendsmas with your pals? Well I’ve got a battle buddy I haven’t seen in a decade and we talk once a year and it’s like not a single day has gone by except now we also complain about our joints hurting

I have made a terrible mistake

I might be allergic to lactose AND lactaid, but you bring lobster mac and cheese and I’m gonna eat that shit for sure

i would like to eat the Limu Emu

a fun prank would to get a DNA test and tell everyone how excited you are to research your genealogy and ancestors, and then instead of your own DNA you use DNA from a discarded water bottle you found in the trash and tell everyone your test results at holiday dinner

you feel like a good parent until you put your 7 year old in VR and they fall straight forward flat as a board bashing into the living room floor

everything ordered up to today has gone to USPS by the Christmas cutoff, it is now in their hands and may the lord be with your stickers folks

is there any other bop that truly drops a suburban white Nike Air Monarch dad into a trance like "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)” does

I showed my kid YTMND and he was like “I don’t get it”

get wrecked, diane

I have decided to even this out by making a sticker about my friends that died in the war, I'm thinking a crudely drawn sharpie dick on the side of a port-a-potty that says " OEF Dreamin' " and a thumbs up

sorry diane

do you think I could successfully spin a chicken fast enough to cook it

what is it about an android user that they absolutely MUST have their “boo bah da doop doop” message alert at 400% volume

I have to go buy a suit for my promotion and to attend a big super important company meeting so if anyone has a line on a screen accurate Joker suit hit me up

robert, i have engaged online again and in exchange received 700 points of psychic damage

the best use of AI would be to spend years and years deep researching and generating all the founding fathers avatars and then only show them content from Brazzers

like, scoob, what’s wrong man RAGGY, I’M RON THE REPSTEIN RIST

entire Etsy 15% off til January 1st [no code needed but if you write TAXFRAUD in the order notes I’ll add an extra sticker AND not report my profits to the IRS just for you]

Smiling Friends ass face

it’s new sticker day again babey

There’s a saying that your parents are your best and most influential teachers- it sucks mine were dumb as hell and mean as shit

i've got a killer idea for you, you know that bot that people love but makes you -500 billion dollars? we make it suck further shit