A quick update…since I can see a tiny bit… Things are better. I’m in a much better unit that’s way better.

Hi. I’m alive. Literally almost died earlier this week. I’ve been in the ICU. Probably will be here for a few more days. Sickest I’ve ever been. Merry Christmas.

Adenovirus sucks. Wash everything. Lysol everything. Stay away from humans.

I'm realizing more and more about how utterly crushing my work is. The stress is constant, and I'm so good at carrying it that I don't realize how beaten down I am until I can pause. This past weekend, I was able to pause.

Why is cold watermelon so damn good? Like it's almost at cheese level.

So I do grocery pickup quite often at the store down the street from us. I decided to get some snacks to tide me over thru tomorrow since I know my day is packed with interviews, and I won’t have time to eat or be a human. I order fruit, cheese, some water bottles, nuts, and dried fruit.

Honestly, this stuff is a sore spot bc it points to a lack of actual friendship on their side now that they have a woman. Suddenly, I'm not a potential mate, so they disappear. Like I was some stand-in until they found the "real thing." That's how it feels, regardless of whether it's true or not.

All of that said, if any friend is guilty of this crap, it's pretty easy to fix. Just acknowledge it and apologize. We won't have a beef. And even if you don't, I am not someone who just abandons friends. I will always be your friend if you reach out to me.

And let me add that this very often happens with close male friends. They'll get into relationships, and the woman is often threatened. I've had friends not speak to me for years and then suddenly turn up, saying their significant other wouldn't allow them to talk to me anymore.

People sharing relationships online is weird, and I've had to build boundaries around it. I have had several friends drift away (often due to relationships they're in), only to suddenly want "support" when they post entirely too public things on social media.

Just felt a little earthquake!

I’m pretty sure I got the biggest apple pie ever from Whole Foods today. I thought they were just price gouging. But no—it was $20 bucks bc it could feed America. Which is a reminder that I should check sizes before I buy things.

Sending love to those who knew and loved Faith Winter. Life is often cruel. RIP. coloradosun.com/2025/11/26/f...

I wanted to get a head start on cooking on Tuesday since work is light that day, but I definitely won't be able to focus if I'm wondering if these people will show up or not.

I genuinely like living here, but there's been a shift in management within the last few months where residents don't seem to be considered. We're getting very little notice for these too frequent inspections that are also mostly unnecessary. It's just a nuisance.

So, the fire inspections never happened. Halfway through today, they emailed saying they were rescheduling to Tuesday--the week of fucking Thanksgiving. Oh, and on Monday, they're powerwashing the garage--which will be extremely loud as well. And bonus--can't use the trash dumpsters.

Anyway...fuck everything.

I’m not sure why these people in the South Bay are so terrified of leaves. They blow them around with their gadgets every day like it’s some religious cult activity. Then they don’t bag them and stick them in the street, which causes havoc when it rains.

Man. People are driving way worse than normal. I feel some of it indicates longterm trauma as a collective. Also more and more people driving while impaired without licenses or proper tags. The worst are these people who will just randomly stop in active lanes for no apparent reason.

In brighter news, all of my clothes are too big right now, which is annoying — but also inspiring me to fulfill a Mighty List item of tailoring and downsizing all the clothing I own, so that I'm left with only things that perfectly fit me. However, tailoring (esp in the Bay Area) is expensive.

I just often wonder what my life would be like if I left America for a place where they actually give a shit about human beings.

As a chronically ill person, who COVID 100 percent would probably kill, I've worked so hard to avoid contact with people I just don't need to be in contact with. Like I've made big sacrifices that I don't mind making if it means I don't get desperately ill.

I don't usually come into close contact with people, which is why COVID never got me. I never interact with kids, though a couple of kids do live a few doors down. I always keep my distance, though. My immune system is about the same as it's ever been.

It just seems too odd to have strep throat now, after like 30 years of never having it, when it was so central to my young existence. I wonder why I had it so often and why I might have it now. It's just strange.

Strep throat was big for me growing up. I literally had it for about half the year, for actual years. I never could handle the diagnostic test. I threw up on a nurse a few times. The worst part is that I'm allergic to penicillin. So they had to give me all these horrible alternate concoctions.

Weirdest thing...I've had no appetite and have been obsessed with ice water and iced green tea since I got my flu and COVID shots. This round of side effects was decently small, but like all past vaccinations, I feel like maybe it triggered my chronic illnesses (all of which are hormonal).

I’m going to take some time away from social. It’s too hard to grieve and deal with the nonsense in the world right now. I’m too tired to listen to the arguing while evil people do evil shit. Be good to each other. Remember our kids are watching. I say our bc every kid belongs to all of us.

The average SNAP benefit per month is $177 a person. The average ACA benefit per month is up to $550 a person. People want us to hold the line for a reason. This is not a matter of appealing to a base. It’s about people’s lives. And working people want leaders whose word means something to them.

There’s a lot of stuff with my family. They haven’t seen me since I was much younger. I’m told I’m a lot like my aunt, and seeing me is bound to bring up grief related to her and my parents. For all of us. There’s just a lot to consider.

I’m probably not going to be able to go to the funeral. Between work and my sick cat and broken toes and etc, it’s the worst timing. I also don’t want to add more burden to a tough situation. But I am going to try to take time off in January and drive down there then.

I keep thinking about my cousin. If I feel this bad, I can’t even imagine how she feels. I just want to take the burden off of her and fix it somehow. She’s such a loving person. She poured so much into him to turn his life around. It isn’t fair.

Trying to decide if I should work tomorrow. On one hand, I think being busy would help. On the other hand, I know I just need time to grieve.

Alright. Gotta go write a paper by 11.

Oh SNAP!

Something about the death of a child just cracks open everything.

I really hope my suspicions are wrong. I’m not sure how my cousin would take it.

Unfortunately work is pretty awful right now. And my cat is still recovering from surgery so it’s hard to leave him for long. So I’m not sure if I can go to the funeral. How do you even prepare yourself for a funeral for a 15 year old?

I’m hoping my nephew’s death brings my family closer together. I’ve meant to go visit so often, but never did. Mostly bc it was a little terrifying. I’m doing my best to support my cousin and her daughter. I can’t even imagine what she’s gone through since finding him.

There are so many fragile humans right now that are struggling so deeply just to be here. Please remember that when you're interacting with anyone. Please go out of your way to be kind. Please go out of your way to notice them. Please try. It matters.

Could I have shown him it gets better? That he could get through anything? I know it's not my responsibility to save anyone. But he was just a kid. And maybe I could have seen something everyone else didn't. I've considered moving many times. My best friend is there, and I'd have a whole network.

I feel a little bad that I wasn't more welcoming and warm to him. But I've always been protective towards family because I've had my issues with other wings. But this wing of my family is full of decent, lovely humans. I think he looked up to me because we were similar humans, in many ways.

I'm honestly kinda stunned. And feeling regret that I didn't take a trip down there this past summer. I wonder if maybe more of my presence in his life would have mattered. He was one of the first family members to add me on fb when they discovered it and tbh it freaked me out a little.

Just got the news that my nephew was found dead in his bed this morning. He was 15. My favorite cousin was raising him and was the one that found him. I always had a soft spot for him. He was sweet, kind, whip smart, and socially awkward. Please send love to my AZ family. They are devastated.

The thing about grief--for me, anyway--is that it's always just below the surface of every other emotion. Most of the time, I'm wholly unaware of it until it shows up as a big fist to the face. And literally anything can prompt that.

Life’s too short to argue with people online, and even too short to think about the ones you held back from arguing with. Don’t give them your time. It’s not worth it.

😎😎😎😎 GOOD THINGS CAN STILL HAPPEN 😎😎😎😎

Watching Mamdani’s acceptance speech gave me the same feeling of hope I had when watching Obama years before he ever ran for President. That man has gas. In a good way. Well done.

It’s been a good wknd. But it’s never enough time. I honestly don’t know what would be enough time. I’m so chronically burnt out and exhausted. I can’t take a vacation that’s long enough to not be those things bc work sucks so much. It never gets better. Days off just remind me how much I hate it.

Which is why I avoid coming over here on Sunday mornings, generally. But I need a calm place to do that telemedicine appointment. They’ve finally finished construction. A few songbirds, but most of the birds aren’t in their normal spots. Not sure why.