It's amazing how they got all that way in a Volkswagon Campervan! 😯

He's clearly never seen Mrs Brown's Boys.

Just got home from Tesco. I had a mishap at the self-checkout scanner when my balls popped out of my shorts and landed on the tray. I've just checked my receipt, and I've been charged for 2 small Satsumas.

What an awful night. One minute we're laughing and joking in the pub, knocking back beers and peanuts, and then my friend collapsed. He gave me this to remember him by just moments before he passed away. He couldn't speak at the time, but it seemed really important to him that I have it. RiP Gary.

Just had an argument with my best friend Dennis about this. He reckons it's for Coke, which does kind of make sense as it's hard to open the cans with short nails.

So no one told him life was gonna be this way…👏👏👏👏👏

If it self identifies as a sandwich, It’s living as a sandwich and dresses in a sandwich box, then it’s entitled to go in the sandwich section. That’s the rules.

It's very rare that I hope Mrs P has farted, but I'm kind of praying that smell coming from the kitchen isn't my dinner...

Much like Mrs P does when I'm at work 😠

RIP Pope Francis. A man who started from such humble beginnings.

Imagine donating your organs after you die, and you end up being used as a tra*nies fanny.

On the run up to Easter don't forget to visit the Kebabulance and try our fabulous Madonner Kebab. We'll be parked in our usual spot between the bins and the public toilets on Southend seafront. 😋

Who else remembers when Andrew Tate was on Big Brother UK in 2016? He went in claiming to be a ‘master manipulator’ who can ‘play people like a puppet’ but he was just a nobhead who got kicked out days after he entered. And his hair has always looked like an old lolly someone's dropped on the floor.

Why's this fella on Bargain Hunt dressed like a 1970s Harlem pimp?

This has been long awaited. A special day for all the people who are too ugly to get a shag.

I've texted STOP but they're still coming through. What do I need to do?

Americans are going to have to eat their own US made cheeses. They’ll crack first.

Just walked into Tesco Express and seen Scotch Eggs. No mention of Easter, just pure Scottish propaganda. Won't shop there again.

Congratulations to all the ladies who won an award on International Women's Day! A man will be along shortly to put up your display cabinet.

I now identify as a salmon.

BREAKING NEWS: Andrew and Tristan Tate named as the new heads of the US Office of Global Women’s Issues.

I'm still convinced that if Michael Jackson had given up music and just played darts, he would have been world champion.

Cringing so hard at Gary Barlow and the other two on the Baftas that it's making my bumhole hurt.

To all you beautiful ladies, happy Valentine's Day! To all you fat birds, chin up! It's pancake day in a few weeks.

Watching "Our Farm Next Door: Amanda, Clive and Kids" on Channel 4. How many kids have they actually got? That woman must have a womb like a clowns car.

This possibly one of the best things I've ever heard. www.tiktok.com/@marvelousma...

It’s like if Amy and Leonard got together behind Penny and Sheldon’s backs, had an affair and produced a kid

I see the new X logo has landed...

🇺🇸 BREAKING: Goodbye, USA. 👇🏻 Watch the latest report from #BrokenNews, then please share. youtu.be/CrGpAIBc754?...

Do NOT try this! I spent 7 minutes setting this up while the cat sat under the table. When I put the 4th battery in place, the cat spun at approximately Mach 4 and was sucked into it's own arsehole. The instructions are very unclear. www.tiktok.com/@ruso_282/vi...

I love these things. They're so cute and seem harmless, but they're loud and very agressive, and not to mention very expensive to keep and absolutely untrainable. The other thing's a Kangaroo. I don't know much about them...

Can anyone tell me if this is a genuine Banksy?

Oh Jamie. "The microwave's only used for melting butter and ice-cream". So what about all your microwave recipes, you dribble-lipped, cash-grabbing barrow boy?

To the woman on Jamie's Feed The Street For 10p who's trying to show how to cook a cheap meal. Maybe save even more money by not buying everything from the fucking corner shop. Just saying...

I'm watching Jamie's Feed The Street For 10p on Channel 4. I think if he was cooking for me, I'd want him to clean his grubby fingernails first.

Does anyone know how to change a solid into a gas? These are my favourite trousers.

Mrs P just said she wants another baby. I immediately thought about the screaming, the vomit, the piss and the poo. This isn't any kind of environment to bring up a baby.

Well, it seems my sex life is doing Dry January again 😞

One of my New Year resolutions is to write a "fuck it" list of all the things I can't be bothered to do before I die.

Has anyone seen the trailer for 2025 yet?

ME: And the hell. Is it fresh? 2025: Oh yes, the freshest. ME: OK. And is that my- 2025: Yes, your handbasket, sir.

Are we all ready? Here comes 2025!

Are posts called Bleets on here? Asking for a friend... I'm assuming that posts on X are now called Xcreets? As in, "Have you seen what Elon's bunch have Xcreeted lately?"

Oh dear, I've been worried my gums are receding but I've just noticed that I've been brushing my teeth with Mrs P's Preparation H.

We just had a choice of beef or salmon at ours...

Just caught the dirty bugger!

I've still got glitter on me after opening the cards yesterday. The bloody stuff's impossible to get rid of. It's like herpes from the arts and crafts world.

The oven's just broken, so I'm having to cook the turkey in the tumble dryer. The noise is awful.

I need some advice... The big angry thing attached to the boobies. How do I make it shut up?