My mate was stunned when he found out that he was holding the taser the wrong way. #dadjokes

I was attacked by a herd of cows. I was only grazed. #dadjokes

Bought a robot puppy. No bark. Only byte. #dadjokes

I accidentally dropped some ice cubes into a pot of boiling water. Now I can’t find them. #dadjokes

I'm getting a puppy called Hamlet for Christmas. He is a Great Dane. #dadjokes

My mate lost his job as a stage designer. He left without making a scene. #dadjokes

I was fired from the Advent calendar factory. Just for taking a one day off! #dadjokes

I've just found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer. #dadjokes

I was walking past the YMCA this morning and saw a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers. I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down...” #dadjokes

In a few weeks, I’m going go visit the Prime Meridian. Not sure what I’m gonna do in the Mean Time. #dadjokes

My mate has injured himself at a spinning class. I think he’s taken a turn for the worse. #dadjokes

I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube. It has been 40 years,and I still can't solve it. #dadjokes

Last Sunday, the priest in a mask just threw some holy water on me. Sounds odd, but it’s a blessing in disguise. #dadjokes

I'm a pretty good ventriloquist .... even if I say so myself. #dadjokes

I’ve caught a virus while sitting on the London Eye. There's a lot going round. #dadjokes

Little known fact: There is a patron saint of checking bread rolls before taking them out of the oven. Saint John The Bap Test. #dadjokes

I went out for a meal with a group of electricians last night. None of them wanted the starters. Just went straight for the mains. #dadjokes

Last night, someone broke in to our house and took a dozen eggs. They also left a saucepan filled with warm water. Police believe it was poachers. #dadjokes

I have piles and piles of ironing to do. I don't know which is worse… #dadjokes

To the person who stole my glasses… I will find you. Got some contacts. #dadjokes

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked the Enigma code. Few people knew his sister Kate, who provided drinks and snacks for his colleagues. #dadjokes

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office, keeps disappearing..... #dadjokes

I wonder if the guy who created the term ‘one hit wonder’ came up with any other phrases? #dadjokes

For the record... I don't own a turntable. #dadjokes

I just can't believe that I was sacked from the Calendar factory after all the extra days I put in. #dadjokes

Typewriter for sale. Perfe t working ondition. #dadjokes

I've heard rumours about Greggs starting deliveries using drones. It all sounds a bit 'pie in the sky' to me. #dadjokes

Just want to say that since I had surgery on my neck I have never looked back. #dadjokes

I've got a job in a salt and pepper factory. It’s just seasonal work. #dadjokes

Dear Mrs. Stone, As usual we are declining your offer to donate blood. Best regards The Blood bank #dadjokes

I was so close to winning the World's Most Congested Nose competition. But I blew it at the last minute! #dadjokes

My mate has been proposed by two women. One makes incredible pancakes. The other writes beautiful poetry. Not sure if he should marry for batter or for verse? #dadjokes

I hired a handyman today and gave him a list of things to do. When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3, & 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs. #dadjokes

There has been much debate as to the best field event in the Olympics as of late. Discus. #dadjokes

The best underwear jokes are.... brief! #dadjokes

I dropped a tub of margarine on my foot two weeks ago. I can’t believe it’s not better. #dadjokes

Getting my kite stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there. #dadjokes

My doctor told me to get some professional help. So I'm looking for a Butler, a Maid and a Chauffeur. #dadjokes

Just heard that a man collapsed on the ferris wheel at the local fair. Doctors say he is slowly coming around. #dadjokes

In a restaurant my phone kept receiving pictures of stews & casseroles. Then it dawned on me - I was connected to a wireless hotpot. #dadjokes

Dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles. I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money! #dadjokes

Just spent 8 hours in A & E. I fell off the roof at IKEA, and got my legs wedged in the sign. #dadjokes

Dog Walkers. Worst flavour of crisps, ever. #dadjokes

I Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out. #dadjokes

I’m thinking about starting a welding club if anyone wants to join... #dadjokes

I'm giving up my Ballroom Dance Classes. It just feels like one step forward and two steps back! #dadjokes

I once worked as a mannequin in a clothing store. I held that position for quite a long time. #dadjokes

I've just been offered the lead role in a new movie about heavy metal. #dadjokes

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was. It was a complete guess but I was right. #dadjokes

I failed a fire safety test at work. When asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire, saying, “large fast ones” was wrong! #dadjokes