How many Opticians does it take to change a light bulb? 1...or...2. 1...or...2? #dadjokes

I just saw Professor Brian Cox on TV explaining that the Earth takes 24 hours to rotate. It made my day. #dadjokes

I’ve just bought a twenty foot horse. I’ll let you know how I get on. #dadjokes

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means. It’s not the end of the world. #dadjokes

The boiler broke last night and we had to get a man out. How he got in there in the first place, I’ve no idea. #dadjokes

Today is national librarians day. They kept that quiet. #dadjokes

As a doctor I can tell you that everyone is born with four kidneys. But as you grow up two of them become adult knees. #dadjokes

l've just arrived at my speed awareness course an hour early. #dadjokes

I once stayed up overnight in the YMCA. It was OK, but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it. #dadjokes

Broken quiz machine for sale. £10, no questions asked! #dadjokes

Apparently, the Police have found an abandoned car, with half a set of golf clubs in the trunk. They are still looking for the driver. #dadjokes

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office, keeps disappearing. #dadjokes

I forgot to pay my monthly subscription to the Scrabble Club. They are now sending me threatening letters. #dadjokes

I just ran a marathon in Sweden. I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line. #dadjokes

Still annoyed at my school mates for voting me as “most likely to hold a grudge.” #dadjokes

Did you know that the earthworm is only there to make sure that the other worms don't get electrocuted? #dadjokes

I’ve realised I’m not a fan of lemon preserve. It’s just a curd to me. #dadjokes

I went to see my doctor about my blocked ears. She gave me some drops and told me to put two drops in my beers every night. Sadly I still can't hear much. #dadjokes

The Invisible Man and the invisible Woman got married. No idea what they saw in each other. I hear the kids are nothing to look at either. #dadjokes

Someone just tried to get me to steal fishing tackle. But, I didn’t take the bait. #dadjokes

Nearly finished my sandwich making course. Tomorrow it's my final eggs ham. #dadjokes

Went around and bought five watches the other day. I have a lot of time on my hands. #dadjokes

My New Year’s resolution is to be more punctual. #dadjokes

I thought that I heard someone say “hello” in Arabic. But, it was a false salaam. #dadjokes

I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now! #dadjokes

My chiropractor has a lot of appointments this week. She’s seeing patients back to back. #dadjokes

My mate’s wife is a funeral director. They have two vehicles. His and Hearse. #dadjokes

I saw a chicken at the gym yesterday…. working on his pecks. #dadjokes

BREAKING NEWS. A Parisian has fallen through the roof of a bakery. He is believed to be in a lot of pain. #dadjokes

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or, is it just one of Granny's myths? #dadjokes

Two bed bugs fell in love and are getting married in the spring. #dadjokes

Still remember 2025 like it was yesterday. #dadjokes

Before I start drinking and forget what day it is …. I want to wish everyone a happy St Patrick's Day! #dadjokes

Someone phoned me sneezed then hung up. These cold calls are a nuisance. #dadjokes

The inventor of cheap wrapping paper has sadly passed away. RIP #dadjokes

My New Year’s resolution is to buy a massive Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it. #dadjokes

Overnight last night in GP OOH & on call this week. Urgent primary care is available throughout with many GPs working all around 🇬🇧. They will of course be joined by 1000s of hospital, community and paramedic colleagues who will all keep the NHS going. 🥼🩺🚑 #MerryChristmas

A major fire at a Temu Warehouse has destroyed 50% of all stock. Police estimate the total damage to be around £3.50. #dadjokes

My mate was stunned when he found out that he was holding the taser the wrong way. #dadjokes

I was attacked by a herd of cows. I was only grazed. #dadjokes

Bought a robot puppy. No bark. Only byte. #dadjokes

I accidentally dropped some ice cubes into a pot of boiling water. Now I can’t find them. #dadjokes

I'm getting a puppy called Hamlet for Christmas. He is a Great Dane. #dadjokes

My mate lost his job as a stage designer. He left without making a scene. #dadjokes

I was fired from the Advent calendar factory. Just for taking a one day off! #dadjokes

I've just found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer. #dadjokes

I was walking past the YMCA this morning and saw a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers. I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down...” #dadjokes

In a few weeks, I’m going go visit the Prime Meridian. Not sure what I’m gonna do in the Mean Time. #dadjokes

My mate has injured himself at a spinning class. I think he’s taken a turn for the worse. #dadjokes

I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube. It has been 40 years,and I still can't solve it. #dadjokes