🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: infrared technology reveals that @zackpolanski.bsky.social's home contains no poppies or poppy-themed items.

EXCLUSIVE: Graham Linehan has learnt to live entirely without sleep, generating energy through a process known as indignation, whereby his bloodstream is continuously oxygenated through excessive rage tweeting.

Look at this horrid man.

The men's toilets in the House of Commons has graffiti on the cubicle door that reads: "Mike Tapp tapped Scooby." Not sure what this could mean.

Starmer Bumps: those sudden gooseflesh eruptions when Sir Keir finds his cadence. Syllables striking like tuning forks, stirring marrow, thrilling blood. Not politics as usual, but politics as symphony. And you, the listener, are the instrument.

AI will never replace British journalists: they wield irony like a scalpel, dissect absurdity, and know instinctively when to be polite, or ruthlessly cutting. Algorithms can mimic words; they cannot summon the judgment of a newsroom anchored in sensible reason.

🚨🚨🚨COURT ADJOURNED: I've been told that the Father Ted co-creator, Gram Lineham, has suffered severe fit of psychogastrocolic expulsiosis in the middle of his trial, resulting in a premature end to today's proceedings.

🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: A Labour insider tells me that Sir Keir Starmer has been at Trump's bedside for the past two hours, cradling his head and dabbing his brow with a cold flannel. Doctors have explained to Starmer that Trump, his good friend, is unlikely to make it through the night.

Me for The Telegraph: Former comedy writer Graham Linehan heroically smears own excrement on toilet walls and seat in the latest battle against trans activists.

A snippet from The Competence Trick. Chapter V: Birth of Leader.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Guardian ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European "Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox

A snippet from my new book, The Competence Trick, a deep dive into the sensible world of Sir Keir Starmer.

BREAKING Tommy Robinson fled scene on the back of a cat after assaulting man, staff at St Pancras have revealed.

I was at The Spectator garden party when I found out about Corbyn starting a new party. Beth Rigby literally shat herself and an elderly man's SS hat fell off.

As a British journalist, I pledge my allegiance to the ancient scrolls of Sensible Grown-up Politics, hereby renewing my duty to do whatever is necessary to ensure that chaos with Corbyn is avoided.

Congratulation, Peter Cardwell, winner of the highest honour in British journalism. It's the job of the British journalist to search through the bins of undesirables and expose their depravity, however tenuous the accusation may be: "Toploader have never driven a lorry."

Well, well, well, Mr Bob Vylan. Let's see what we have here, shall we? The box from a Planty Sweet 'N' Sour Tempeh ready meal? Bit pricey, I bet. And what's this? A load of flyers for local takeaways? How's that going to solve global warming, eh?

Congratulations, Beth Rigby, winner of the highest achievement in British journalist, The Pantis Prize. Your personal insight into Starmer, the man behind the blue suit and quiff, is in stark contrast to how others see him - as a tireless supporter of anti-disabled policies.

Tragically, I've just been told by a colleague at whichever publication Benjamin Butterworth is pretending to write for this week that he was hit by a ballistic missile last night. A dark day for British journalism.

New thermal images of the interior of Jeremy Corbyn's Islington home seem to suggest that he's harbouring weapons of mass destruction.

🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Despite constantly insisting that he's always grafting, I've been unable to find any evidence that Toma Skinner has ever worked a day in his life, just footage of him eating runny meals while he stares geezer-like into a camera.

I'm hearing that he shopped in Waitrose, could play the piano, and had a subscription to Sky TV. It's just not like a "family man" to do something like this. Completely out of character.

The highest achievement in British journalism, The Pantis Prize, has today been awarded to David Maddox, whose latest article blames Jeremy Corbyn for Labour's support of the mass slaughter of civilians in Gaza.

🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Very interesting that the footballing hard-left radical Gary Lineker buys houmous, which sounds a lot like Hamas. You'll notice that he buys Waitrose Essential, too, instead of the Israeli brand Sabra. Why is this?

Gary Lineker is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family's security.

This is a goddamn lie, Crerar. Sir Keir banished "the left" to the earth's core after Corbyn's reign of terror for being terrorist sympathising communists.

After a difficult start, Starmer finds himself - for the moment - with approbation from the media and opposition politicians. Nobody need look at the polling figures to get the sense that the entire country is united behind this bold and deeply impressive leader.

🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: Keir Starmer's Downing Street PC has Shrek wallpaper.

Please help. The Guardian is sick and dying.

🚨🚨🚨 BREAKING: Beloved comedian Jim Davidson had to be fished out of the Thames by emergency services after suffering an involuntary anal episode on Waterloo bridge.

I took Nick for drinks last night because he had a sad droopy face. I wanted to cheer him up. But we got on to the topic of Corbyn and Trump - about how they're the same - and he just exploded and started furiously tweeting emotional nonsense.

Interesting revelation in Tom Baldwin's brilliant tome: there is no evidence to support Sir Keir's ludicrous claim that people call him Special K. But his five-a-side pals do call him "Chonky Pints" owing to his love of the short fat Camden Pale pint glass.

🚨EXCLUSIVE: Leaked video appears to show puppet urinating on comedian Matt Forde.

Are you Team Wonder Wes or Team Super Streeting? The British public are divided on what to name our next PM.

Is this the moment that emboldened Andrew Tate?

After a difficult start, Starmer finds himself - for the moment - with approbation from the media and opposition politicians. Nobody need look at the polling figures to get the sense that the entire country is united behind this bold and deeply impressive leader.

Is Otto English on Putin's payroll?

A shocking 89 per cent of young people said that, given the opportunity, they would burn the offices of The Times down to the ground and start a real newspaper that prioritises the interests of the people.

I too was raised penniless. I was nonetheless able to attend Boggins, one of Britain's top independent boarding schools, and secure a place at Pembroke College, Cambridge, where I was editor of the student newspaper.

UPDATE: Sir Keir has announced that he intends to crack down on youths on scrambler bikes.

I have it on good authority that, at 10am today, Sir Keir will announce something so incredible that support for him will skyrocket. You will not want to miss this.

When I saw the Elon Musk clip I immediately thought: that is exactly the sort of thing Jeremy Corbyn might have done if he won the 2019 election.

The best kept secret in journalism is that Stephen Pollard's egghead is full of a brown yolk that smells like shit.

When I worked at The Observer we used to call Nick Cohen Weird Wanky Nick. And yet his presence was tolerated by senior staff for some reason.

British journalists face online abuse every single day. We're here on the frontlines doing our bit for you, our readers. So let's give thanks to the hardest working people in Britain. Don't forget them.

The replies to this from angry Corbynistas are so vitriolic and unhinged that, for my own safety, I've barricaded myself inside Lewis Goodall's Fortress of Dignity and started a GoFund me page.

Elon Musk's recent tweets are straight out of the Jeremy Corbyn playbook.

BREAKING: An impressive 39% of people are NOT dissatisfied with Sir Keir, a great first step toward popularity for the promising PM. That makes him substantially more popular than Antony Worrall Thompson and Science from Big Brother.

There are times when striking isn't bad, and this is one of them. Out here on the streets with Oliver, Funty and Pipkins the dog fighting to preserve the integrity of British journalism, which has been in turmoil since Corbyn's tenure as Labour leader.

When people say that I only got where I am today because my parents sent me to one of the best private schools in the country, that's bullying.