today was a nasty day. like a really nasty day. it demonstrated exactly why I cannot live here anymore. I have tried to make positive changes for myself and family, and in return I get hit with completely uncontrolled emotional meltdowns that borders on emotional manipulation. this is not normal.

apparently setting boundaries for myself as an adult means i dont love family. that i hate family. if I dare want any control for myself, then I have to brace myself for a mental meltdown. what are you going to do when I move out? I'm not gonna let you track my phone location like you do with dad.

sorry for being a spoiled thankless failure. ive been improving myself the past couple years to the best of my ability to be atleast on-par. when I suggest a family therapist, Im told "you're probably not gonna do it anyway". how do you want me to interpret that. do you even want me to change.

sorry for acting neurotic when I was 12 and in the midst of some of the worst family fights I seen in my life while juggling horrible school events i cant even mention here. I should've known as a 12 year old that everyone else was having it worse. sorry for developing those behaviors as a result.

apparently I'm a bad child for not returning back to the happy gleeful kid I was before my brain started developing at 10. apparently I'm supposed to know the exactly why I developed my avoidant behavior. im supposed to be the happy and perfect 9 year old me. sorry for becoming an imperfect mess.

Holy shit I have genuinely not felt this ill in years, this bird flu got serious hands

gonna be real ive been fuckin worn down the past bit. gotta keep pushing dammit.

Crashed in bed and got flooded with imagery of art pieces I wanna make. Oouugggffhhh I missed that feeling.

am i making the right decisions. i hope so.

once again immensely thankful to all the people I have met these past times ,_, I have genuinely grown so much the past year or so. i only want to be the best i can be ,_,

dude i do not have the energy to deal with this week's flavor of family bullshit

this stupid bird has been kicking so much ass

amoxicillin hurt my stomach ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow I just wanna sleep >:(

despite the roadbumps. ive been very happy the past few months lol. I really hope things end up working out. shoutouts to everyone that's been along my side along the way

yes the wisdom teeth in the grand scheme of things is small potatoes. rather it's the behavior, lines of thinking, and habits that i formed for my entire life that were based on a completely fucking detached reality that significantly fucked up my growth, something that I'm only now digging out of.

my new found perspective in life is really starting to work. mainly questioning the asinine bullshit family is trying to scare into me that I used to just accept because I'm a people pleasing bitch. 2 hours of family trying to convince me taking out my wisdom teeth is bad, and to just leave them in.

this is beginning to feel like a foreign place.

ngl been feeling super fatigued the past few weeks @_@ think it hit me full force today. giving myself a proper break for a few days cause good lord.

like damn. so long as I keep trying my damndest, in 6 months I'll (hopefully) be beginning to settle in on month 1 or month 2 of a new life in a new place. that alone conjures vivid imagery. I have to make it dammit.

kinda hit me last night that how different life's gonna in 4 - 6 months. no turning back.

Urrrgghh really bad sleep lately got me ultra fatigued why does my body think I want to wake up at 3am

Haven't really talked about it but I've basically completely cut off weed from my life and significantly reduced my alcy consumption, especially compared to earlier this year. Doing epic :)

aaaAAAAAaaAAaaaA the consequences of the past few weeks hit me like a brick currently fighting sleepy bitch disease

feeling a sense of hope the past while

also good lord ive been obnoxiously snarky the past few weeks, that needs to change immediately

I've been noticing how I've been developing an even stronger attraction to trying new things, and even stronger visceral reactions against the same monotonous things I've been stuck doing for years, even down to the smallest things. Gotta.....do.....more......new things............

The more I develop myself the more I realize how deep of a hole I was in but that dont matter since I'm improving myself anyway.

fun fact I have a doomsday clock that perpetually ticks down in front of me counting down the days I have left to get the fuck out of here

beginning to cross off items on the laundry list of improvements i want for my life. this is a hell of a drive.

why do i feel like puking again wtf why do thursdays do that to me

tough knowing if i'm making the right decisions.....really hope i am..........

there's been so much processing in this bird brain you dont even know.

As stupid as it sounds istg I think this post here is what sparked my insane journey the past few months. Having to process that hiding away trinkets of self expression like these was tantamount to hiding who I really am, and how severely it stifled my growth really fucked me up. I'm me dammit.

jesus I'm down 20lbs since my bday, i could feasibly reach my gw by eoy. when this bitch says I'm improving my life this bitch means it.

gays I love cooking wtf

oougggvhhgfhh feeling like i'm gonna puke wtf

looking at my posts from 1 - 2 months ago going DAMN I got a grip on myself FAST. still might be in the grayzone, but dammit im navigating it with all i got til the end.

seeing the tangible improvements with my body the past bit got me beating dysmorphia's ass

im so so so so happy i'm finally fleshing out the stupid world in my head that's been driving me for the past 8 years

me using concealer for the first time going :) unfortunately eyeliner would be...too obvious for home :(

ANYWAY.......yeah the past few months have been a hell of a ride. what's happening is just PROGRESS and TANGIBLE IMPROVEMENT. HELL YEAH.

why the fuck was i preventing my life and myself from developing to appease this bullshit again? to make myself not feel bad because I made others feel bad?

also dont go to therapy they'll just take you away to an institution. if you ever end up at a therapists just lie to them.

what being a massive fucking people-pleaser does to a mf. sorry I'll continue preventing myself from developing my adult life because you keep thinking of the most outlandish, batshit insane scenarios where i get harmed in your head. sorry, keeping that anxiety quelled has always been more important

chat i think im starting to no longer give a fuck about family giving me shit whenever I try to be who I want to be. this is huge btw.

hi im des i had 3 huge cups of black tea and forgot black tea's caffeinated

fun fact i'm still in the closet at home for well over a decade now, knowing life will be miserably different if that comes out while living here. now i wonder why i got hit with a massive identity crisis. granted, i have very strong savings to move out whenever, so who fuckin cares at this point.

family giving me shit for because I bought a light-purple watch band not knowing about the eyeliner and concealer that arrived the day before sitting in my desk. totally normal behaviour btw.

AAAAAAA THIS FLU IS ASS END MY SUFFERING

the past 2 months have been fucking wild man. but the best part of it all is i'm finally clawing out of the identity crisis I never realized I was in. I can finally look at myself and see a glimpse of who I've hidden away for YEARS just to appease arbitrary expectations of others.