there has been so much going on in the bird brain the past few weeks. at the same time I havent been felt this stable and compelled in ages. still hard to comprehend how much is still changing in me.

good lord has the anxiety and fear of self expression by merely existing resulted in horrifyingly deep consequences and shortfalls. i almost dont give a fuck about it anymore. but fucking hell.

No brakes stopping this train bayyybeeeee

feeling that confidence and energy again. god damn it's addicting.

I'm in control of my life. I have no excuse for not being who I want to be. I was in fear for so many years of my life, but I'm just not tethered to those anxieties.....for the most part. I'll be fully severed soon. Regardless. I have a clear picture of who I want to look like. Off to it.

I dont like arbitrary new years goals, but this year I MUST put out my self-image problem. I never talk about it, but I've suffered very deep self-image issues for 15 years now. Some reasons are founded in reality. Some arent. The core of both must be addressed. I want to be happy with who I am.

being able to clearly delineate 2017 as the start of my current book of life is only fitting knowing the year forward is going to be a new book of its own. time to end this book off with a bang. time to make the next as great of an improvement as I possibly can. it finally feels ive found who I am.

gonna be real man. before 2017 I was a directionless disaster. in 2017, I discovered art twitter, started drawing art, and made friends in communities I'm still apart in 8 years later. I really cant describe how impactful the past 8 years have been. I genuinely dont know what I would even look like.

but good lord has the past decade been an insanely beautiful path that I'm forever thankful that i took

every time I look at the very back of my gallery from 2017 I feel like i was in a completely different reality. what a strange decade this has been.

I'm just a bird guys

dude i could not have imagined 12....hell even 6 months ago how much I've been pivoting my life. what in god's name are the next 6......12 months gonna bring.

oh good lord i have so much shit to do these next 2 weeks that I'm free. but good lord does it feel like a nuclear bomb was lifted off my shoulders.

I've started to realize that in the past 6 months since I started reflecting on my current and past homelife, and realizing how severely damaging its been to me over the years, I've become more and more paralyzed realizing I continue to exist here. This paralysis isnt healthy. Even if i'm still here

man. next year's coming up in a matter of weeks. we did good this year huh. next year wont be a new chapter in my life. it's a whole new damn book.

no fear no more.

Hm. Hm hm hm. It's time we go ahead with it.

kinda hard to comprehend how i've made so many little and strange impacts on people in all these years.

My (new) recent realizations of how deeply my dysfunctional home life has influenced my life is kinda hitting me really hard tonight. I've been able to move on every time, but the sensation of being trapped is especially strong tonight. I have never felt so much anxiety realizing I'm here.

I just love being a bird dude idk what to say

Still kinda crazy knowing these are my last few months living here.

Ougfh sleeping at 10pm has been kinda fixing me lately.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. Sorry its taken so long.

so many thoughts so many thoughts. what do we think what do we think. we know it. that's right.

Good lord its been a year since I was truly alone and independent for......a week for the first time. What a beautiful week it was. It really was the biggest spark that engulfed the flame in me. I've gone so far this past year. We're so fucking close now.

what is it that we feel. we know it. right?

many funny thoughts I havent had in years lately. huh.

this funny bird is a proud mentally ill disastrous failure. i'm happy to continue embracing that.

today was a nasty day. like a really nasty day. it demonstrated exactly why I cannot live here anymore. I have tried to make positive changes for myself and family, and in return I get hit with completely uncontrolled emotional meltdowns that borders on emotional manipulation. this is not normal.

apparently setting boundaries for myself as an adult means i dont love family. that i hate family. if I dare want any control for myself, then I have to brace myself for a mental meltdown. what are you going to do when I move out? I'm not gonna let you track my phone location like you do with dad.

sorry for being a spoiled thankless failure. ive been improving myself the past couple years to the best of my ability to be atleast on-par. when I suggest a family therapist, Im told "you're probably not gonna do it anyway". how do you want me to interpret that. do you even want me to change.

sorry for acting neurotic when I was 12 and in the midst of some of the worst family fights I seen in my life while juggling horrible school events i cant even mention here. I should've known as a 12 year old that everyone else was having it worse. sorry for developing those behaviors as a result.

apparently I'm a bad child for not returning back to the happy gleeful kid I was before my brain started developing at 10. apparently I'm supposed to know the exactly why I developed my avoidant behavior. im supposed to be the happy and perfect 9 year old me. sorry for becoming an imperfect mess.

Holy shit I have genuinely not felt this ill in years, this bird flu got serious hands

gonna be real ive been fuckin worn down the past bit. gotta keep pushing dammit.

Crashed in bed and got flooded with imagery of art pieces I wanna make. Oouugggffhhh I missed that feeling.

am i making the right decisions. i hope so.

once again immensely thankful to all the people I have met these past times ,_, I have genuinely grown so much the past year or so. i only want to be the best i can be ,_,

dude i do not have the energy to deal with this week's flavor of family bullshit

this stupid bird has been kicking so much ass

amoxicillin hurt my stomach ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow I just wanna sleep >:(

despite the roadbumps. ive been very happy the past few months lol. I really hope things end up working out. shoutouts to everyone that's been along my side along the way

yes the wisdom teeth in the grand scheme of things is small potatoes. rather it's the behavior, lines of thinking, and habits that i formed for my entire life that were based on a completely fucking detached reality that significantly fucked up my growth, something that I'm only now digging out of.

my new found perspective in life is really starting to work. mainly questioning the asinine bullshit family is trying to scare into me that I used to just accept because I'm a people pleasing bitch. 2 hours of family trying to convince me taking out my wisdom teeth is bad, and to just leave them in.

this is beginning to feel like a foreign place.

ngl been feeling super fatigued the past few weeks @_@ think it hit me full force today. giving myself a proper break for a few days cause good lord.

like damn. so long as I keep trying my damndest, in 6 months I'll (hopefully) be beginning to settle in on month 1 or month 2 of a new life in a new place. that alone conjures vivid imagery. I have to make it dammit.

kinda hit me last night that how different life's gonna in 4 - 6 months. no turning back.

Urrrgghh really bad sleep lately got me ultra fatigued why does my body think I want to wake up at 3am

Haven't really talked about it but I've basically completely cut off weed from my life and significantly reduced my alcy consumption, especially compared to earlier this year. Doing epic :)