Had a student ask if the Thought Police had been monitoring Winston Smith for over 7 years the entire novel was pointless and I did not have a good counter for that.

I am at the part of The American Revolution where the French just came over here to shoot people.

Elton John is on QVC promoting a candle and room spray set. Where is my monogrammed noose?

Marjorie Taylor-Greene is two months away from being named Taylor Greene-Marjorie and working at Home Depot.

Conversation with young writers: "...so essentially what you are looking for is a press that wants to publish your book but rejects other books, am I hearing that correctly?"

One funny thing I remember from the 1990's is every kid of a Republican parent did not like the parents at all not even a little. That was actually something that happened during that time.

I still own tubes of toothpaste purchased during the Great Zoom Pandemic of the Ancient Times.

People relying on other people to tell them about God are in trouble.

I like how it is clear nobody in America had any idea what was happening during the Revolutionary War, like nobody at all knew what was going on.

All the historians in this new Ken Burns doc are sexy as hell. What is going on?

Nod to Ken Burns for reminding me how many soldiers froze to death in the 1700's. Got it.

100 bucks says Mamdani is AI generated.

Wait, who do I have to beg to turn off the gmail surveillance? Grimes? Yeah, well I have been trying to communicate with Grimes for 11 years and not a peep.

I cannot tell if Mamdani is Winston Smith and Trump is O'Brien or if Trump is Winston Smith and Mamdani is O'Brien. My mind has finally been freed from thinking. Thanks America.

One day we are all going to learn that Amazon uses slaves and agree of course that makes sense. Yes, because of the slaves.

Angry old man at coffee shop straight up ordered black coffee and had to make a few comments before he did it. Just stay home old man.

I wish Ken Burns would just come right out and say it: people in Philly still act the way they do because the British captured their city.

Merriam-Webster has finally lost its mind too.

Need something to impress your family during the holidays? Tell them Aunt Bethany from Christmas Vacation was the original voice of Betty Boop -- because it is true.

Was it Aristotle who first said whenever a political party is actively trying to destroy sexual preferences among the masses, they are secretly child rapists? Maybe not. I'll keep checking.

ICE employee among 16 men arrested in Bloomington sex trafficking sting, police say. "When he was arrested, he said, 'I'm ICE, boys,'" Hodges said during a press conference Tuesday. "Well, unfortunately for him, we locked him up."

Something I wish David Foster Wallace could have done if he had lived would be infiltrate corn hole tournaments and record the conversations he overheard. That alone could destroy the MAGA movement.

A lot of old white men are on this platform trying to finally acknowledge their deep love of Kate Bush. Yeah, um, too late now you idiots.

I do not care if the Olsen twins are in the Epstein files, in fact, maybe the only way we ever see those files is by saying the Olsen twins are NOT in there, start saying the opposite of everything we really want, to confuse the aristocracy. A little reverse psy ops for the overseers.

Jared Kushner looks like the type of person who would rob a Chuck E. Cheese's at the first sign of domestic trouble.

I love how Republicans always say they can better educate children and improve test scores but they never say how because if it was up to them nobody would be tested on anything.

When a school district is offering a teacher lounge makeover for a local public school, I do not think they realize there are multiple teacher lounges in one school. It not just one big room where teachers hang out. That is not the way it works.

If I ever purchase a bag of 48 fully-cooked donuts from a company called Pudgyboy's go ahead and send an ambulance over to my apartment and a hostage negotiator.

I like how teenagers are constantly amazed at how often adults have to do laundry.

Putting chocolate chips inside biscotti is stupid just bake a cookie.

My friend tried to get a Real ID today and not only did the DMV not give him one they changed his legal name during his visit.

I like coming up with novel ideas but not writing the novel. That is better.

Found a burner phone belonging to Grimes. She put her name on it with glitter and blood.

I can always spot somebody who pretends to like hot tea. All of the QVC hosts are faking like they drink it all of the time.

If anybody has a photo of Pam Bondi dressed as a princess working at Disney World, please send me a copy pronto.

I think QVC should just sell illegal drugs and see how it goes.

QVC hosts acting as if they have never seen honey before.

Ken Burns telling me stories about soldiers getting fumigated with sulfur before being allowed back into their parents houses is exactly the type of story I am looking to hear.

A federal judge just reminded Texas that God does not live exclusively in that state to everyone in Texas's surprise and horror.

Tomorrow I get to explain synecdoche and metonymy to 50 seventeen year old's who just want to bet their part-time work checks on sports.

A lot of generals during the Revolutionary War just took off the entire winter and slept. Must have been nice.

I have a sinking feeling all this Ken Burns documentary is going to do is get us back into a war with Great Britain. These Tories were messed up.

Apparently militiamen sucked, according to George Washington and Ken Burns. Sorry MAGA. All your illiterate ancestors sucked just like you.

Ken Burns documentary also proves nobody from Canada is interested in becoming an American ever, like never ever, like forever never.

The bad thing about Ken Burns latest episode is it shows people exactly how to attack the state of New York.

Rich people are playing with us all like LEGO® bricks and we are all like "I wonder what cool toy we will be when they snap us all together" instead of "fuck this".

Apparently they are Making America Saudi Arabia (Again). Elon Musk is one fedora and wire-rimmed glasses away from Nazi Major Arnold Toht in Indiana Jones. I recall his face burned off.

My favorite part of today was telling my AP Lit students the people who create the multiple choice portion of the AP Lit exam are insane.

Trump now talking to McDonald's which is basically pedophile central last time I checked.

Trump likely has 1,200 incels named Small Balls directed by Bondi all combing through Epstein emails using find and replace like Nixon trying to scratch out the word motherfucker from all of his Watergate transcripts.