ICE was formed when Karoline Leavitt was five years old. She has never been to an airport back when passenger luggage looked like their sofas. Everything she says lacks experience.

Using my Colorado Prize for Poetry submission gambling money on a reliable multipack of Bounty paper towels. It is the correct decision for the present earth as well as my fantasy life at this time.

Sitting in my black kimono drinking Gatorade Zero wondering why the film version of Their Eyes Were Watching God leaves out Mrs. Turner completely, and the entire courtroom trial, and the cow in the hurricane.

Gosh, I wonder who would just love it if NATO collapsed? Satan? Well, yes, but I was thinking more like Putin. The President of the United States Vladimir Putin.

Do you think famous painters compared their "insides of room" paintings, the rooms nobody was ever in, and nothing unusual about the rooms at all, not even light sources? One painter was like want to see my boring room? and the other painter was like not really but first look at my boring room.

This motherfucker has not walked into a grocery store since Mr. T cereal was being sold.

Remember when he tried to hang Mike Pence then watched his own riot on tv with his family members like they were all just catching an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati?

I bet Kristi Noem shoplifts. She totally gives off shoplifter vibes. She stole that cowboy hat for certain. There is some bald mannequin inside Denver International Airport.

295 days until midterms unless he kills us all before then.

I like how Republicans always underestimate how crazy the American public can get when pressed. For instance, one of these ICE agents is going to be Wicker Manned in effigy in front of an island full of people wearing bathrobes well before MLK Jr.'s birthday.

There is a Navy SEAL who makes it his mission online to seek out every human being who is pretending to be a Navy SEAL in this country and he posts conversations with them on his YouTube Channel. They are some of the best videos I have ever watched.

Another thing I do not like about Noem is that every time a human talks to her she behaves like it is the first time she has ever spoken to a human, like Nell, the cabin woman.

How am I supposed to spend precious time today ironing my pants? It is because my students have to believe I somewhat know how to model what it looks like not to be a complete mess. I make sure they know I am a complete mess though anyway.

If you polled every Exxon employee and asked them how they would feel about working in Venezuela, they would all quit immediately.

Education is one of the few careers you can tell a room full of people that your "skull is amassed in flames" mean it then give a test then smile at them and mean that too then they all just leave the room at a certain designated time.

There are so many people who are dead who should be alive.

Strength is the ability to type a letter like this less than one week after your wife was shot in the head for parking in the middle of a road.

Real early in the morning on the way to work I pass a gym with a big open window. The interior glows in orange light (kind of freaky) and it is packed with strong young women in there pushing weight no doubt in preparation for hand-to-hand combat. No doubt at all.

This platform really makes me happy -- there are so many of you all with hearts so full. It is just the best thing to see. It is wonderful and it lifts me up all the way, even though I always stay low to the ground by nature. Who knows--I might kill a Nazi with a butter knife. We will see.

Remember when Republicans just wanted everybody to watch Guiding Light in the afternoons and Dallas at night and shut the fuck up? That worked for some time too unfortunately.

For as busy they always claim to be running after illegal immigrants, ICE sure does have a lot of time to stand lined up on sidewalks in the snow like a bunch of kids waiting for a school bus driven by Freddy Krueger.

In six months, Nicolás Maduro will have lost 30 pounds, shaved off his mustache, changed his name to Mick Nadur, and he will be the new CEO of Chevron.

I know a lot of us are looking forward to the day he has a heart attack eating a McDonald's fry, but I am more worried about what happens to us all after he dies. Like him coming out of a painted portrait similar to Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters II.

The great writers of the past would have really enjoyed social media. They would have loved it so much. It would have been a sight to see. They would not have written as much, or as often, but they would have had an online presence, and six followers. Half the number Jesus had.

I have been thinking a lot today about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and I think that may be the worst story ever written.

How is everyone in North Korea doing today? Pretty good? Not so good? Still controlled by your military industrial complex too?

For all we know Elon is already running Greenland grinning and wearing one of those iconic Russian fur hats: Ushankas. He is probably dancing badly somewhere listening to Circle Jerks.

I do not like how the waiting line in Purgatory is just an endless loop and people approach you from the opposite direction too.

Thanks Tim Busfield. We cannot even watch Field of Dreams anymore without running into a pedophile.

Accidently clicked on "Fanart Bomb" trending button and I have no idea what the fuck I am looking at.

Things are so bad in America right now if we discovered life on another planet nothing would change at all not even a little bit.

Some butterflies are kind of scary to me. That should not be the case, but it is.

You know a decade has been long when a lot of what you recall about it has been you sitting by yourself in a kind of stunned silence wondering if this is some metaphysical punishment.

I am 1000x overjoyed I never joined the fucking military. That was by far the best decision I ever made in my entire life.

I feel like if a space shuttle exploded tomorrow it would get about two days of news coverage.

The fact that we all live in the same time and space as Bjork and we are treating one another like this is an abomination.

The next time I see Grimes on video she better be using a mortar launcher.

What do The Dandy Warhols think about what is going on? Is every artist from 1991-1999 living on a space station?

A major pressure point nearly all of Kubrick's films seem to have been making is that we actually lost World War II. Not such a stretch these days, is it?

It is clear now Julius Caesar was stabbed by 40 senators so all of them could either take no responsibility or else full credit for it depending on how people spun it afterwards.

The problem I have with Hamnet is if Shakespeare saw it he would be like none of this happened to me what is going on?

I bet the CIA never realized they could have simply walked up to JFK, shot him three times in the head, still had Zapruder film it, and gotten away with it all regardless. Months of planning could have been avoided.

Is Minnesota like low-key the best state in the country? It is, isn't it?

I like how it is impossible to set a modern movie in the 1990's.

Everybody I ever knew who said they liked Thirtysomething did not even watch it.

What is happening today in Venezuela? Anybody? Remember Venezuela?

I thought Dr. Oz had grown out his hair and gotten drunk but no, it's just some asshole named Roger Williams.

I might purchase a really sharp spear and keep it where I keep my Swiffer mop.