Have y’all tried the new iced cherry crème matcha latte at the cafe??? It’s okay. 4/10. 💁‍♂️✨

Slay, qween. Pop off!! 🎉💅

Is anyone available to cover the cash wrap?? I’m taking a smoke break, and Darlene called out AGAIN.

Okay fam, how are we feeling?

Girl, what the actual fuck?

All federal government officials can claim their free copy of Economics for Dummies by simply showing their badge. Government agency employees are unfortunately excluded from this promotion. 🫡💸💸

I sure hope the stonk market doesn’t affect today’s Barns and Noble Rewards™️ membership quota. Lord knows it’s not going to affect this non-existent 401k of mine. 😬🫨

Here’s the thing: author pop ups are so cringe. Becky’s just here buying the latest ina garten cookbook. She doesn’t want to talk about your sci-fi dragon, elf sex trilogy, Charlotte.

Darlene is out (again), and we need someone to cover the registers. Can you come in for her shift?

Department of Education close out sale! Flashcards and SAT prep 50% off! Barns and Noble Rewards Members™️ receive an additional 10% off. Next week, we’ll be replacing the edu section with an assortment of blenders and juicers, so get your shit while the gettin’s good. 🍎🍊🧃

For those that are asking, the individual hit by the alleged brick was a Barnes and Noble Rewards™️ member, and she was gifted a 10% off coupon on a beverage from the cafe. Todd is making her a double shot mint mocha Frappuccino and applying pressure to her tourniquet as we speak. ❤️‍🩹

We’re repointing the masonry on the sign today because SOMEONE had to go and get hit with a falling brick. Customers are encouraged to purchase a hard backed copy of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins to protect from any falling debris as we complete the repair.

Market Research: James Patterson, aka Jimmy Jimmy Pat Pat? Yea or nea?

Maureen, seriously. I’m going to have to call HR if you keep asking me if I think Todd has “big dick energy”. Todd’s uncomfortable, and so am I.

ANNOUNCEMENT: The cafe will be closed today. Todd and Maureen have contracted bird flu. Thoughts and prayers to the both of them. Also, we have a sale on all of the Audubon field guides that’s completely unrelated to this incident.

Announcing a sale on all journals and diaries. Maybe enjoy some free writing. See if you can drum up some fucks to give, because **motions to the world** 🔥🌎💀

**sips bottle of whiskey hidden behind the Christian fiction** I’m stressed. 🥃✝️📚

Wtf are we going to do with this extra Valentines Day crap? Donna already red dotted all of this shit. Y’all want me to make her tap dance too!? She’s already missed her smoke break and I can’t take any more of her bitching. 😤💀

Girl, how bout you bitches pick up a fucking book. Sheesh!

Does anyone have any book recommendations? We’re running out of ideas.

Is anyone on register one?? Jesus fuck, Donna.

For today only: check out our special pricing on Mein Kampf! All Inauguration Day purchases include a free “definitely not a criminal” edition of The Art of the Deal.

Ugh. I could really go for a Frappuccino® blended beverage from the cafe right now, but Todd is on his break. FML.

Jesus fucking Christ. What a day. Not a single person signed up for a Barnes and Noble membership. Keep it up fam, and we’ll be pulling a JoAnn’s.

Rhonda can’t make it to work today. (Typical) Who wants to cover her shift??

Don’t know what to get great aunt Marge for Christmas? We have a lovely selection of Harlequin romance novels that are sure to melt her butter. ✨💅

Bibles are 50% off this week! HBD Jesus; you better sleigh!!

I just want to let my wonderful followers know that I am dedicated to pumping out total internet garbage with this account. Thank you for believing in me. 😘💕✨