what a joke google has become my goodness

people are quick to point out that knowledge often is power but nobody ever mentions how expensive it can get

december once again maintaining its reputation as the second worst month of the year

it’s giving tuesday so i’m giving up

oh no not the economy

someone quote posted that article about device “hoarding” with just the phrase “oh no not the economy” and i think that might be the perfect phrase for quote posting anything right now

my wife: “snow day” her mom, on facetime: “how bad is it?” my wife: *shows her the quiet park* her mom: “f*** off” my wife: “yes approximately one f*** off of snow so far”

okay alton brown you win this is the best turkey i’ve ever made in my life and this gravy should be illegal

look at this bird just look at it

my wife, seeing the trussed turkey: “wow your hentai skills are really paying off now why are you laughing at me”

“i asked [whatever llm idc]” yes, i have also struggled with diarrhea the trick is to hydrate regularly

people are quick to warn you about pushing a fart out too hastily as you get older nobody ever warns you about coughing while you pee

step-by-step guide to making the best homemade fresh squeezed orange juice: step 1 - wait until the oranges are just on the verge of going rotten step 2 - you waited too long, oh no

that feeling when you run your fingers through her hair in that one spot and she goes feral

a lot of people on here complaining about pecan pie like they’ve never had an aunt with a pecan farm who sends them like ten pounds of heirloom pecans every year and has to figure out what else to do with them

i hope this email finds you seriously i give up nobody is looking

“who drank all the coffee” -me, after drinking all the coffee (again)

oh things aren’t looking great for the tennessee football titans

when are you all going to realize that it’s not money he cares about but a person’s ability to command an audience and utilize media effectively why do you think he hates all of his kids so much they have the same money as him

[in a half-hearted scottish accent]: half-hearted

see this, quote this (or don’t i’m not good* at these things) *don’t care

perhaps the greatest unintended consequence of the current buzz is that it’s rage-baiting otherwise uninspired writers to step up their game in real time

average bsky user, after reading their tenth hot take: “haha oh wow that’s really messed up why would anyone make this public i wonder what this other article says about it”

say what you will about her writing but you can never question her objectivity (because she never had any to begin with)

okay but seriously frankenstein is one billion percent on brand for @realgdt.bsky.social

finally seeing a good variety of actual human art in my timeline again nature is healing

huh two coyotes in the quiet park today which is not unusual in itself but it’s rare to see them out in the open in the middle of the day like this (tbf the one napping in the sun currently looks very comfy)

“what do you mean the dog needs to go out again?” he shouted from the bathroom while taking his third dump of the morning

seeing a lot of people on here big mad about cal raleigh not getting the mvp as if seattle mariners fans aren’t already extremely used to this cosmic level of disrespect ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

funnier every loop i cannot stop laughing help www.instagram.com/reel/DOJPJjF...

me, as a therapist: “sorry was i supposed to be writing this all down and listening to you at the same time because i have some awkward news”

but her emails

any time the government declares a war on something you can be fairly confident that thing is going to win eventually

sandwiches may be one of the universal greatest foods just think about it you can go virtually anywhere in the world and there will probably be someone selling a sandwich that is the best whatever that kind of sandwich is that you ever had

me: hey i can’t get this thing to print guy at the comstar help desk: “the flame of blake’s will once extinguished and reignited burns brighter and more glorious” me: so turn it off and back on again got it

mark sanchez is the michael vick of tony romos

what? this bed? no no surely someone else left that here

i think anyone who observed my life from the outside would not be even remotely surprised to learn that i own exactly one robe and it’s absolutely the one you think it is

another concept album cover for nonexistent music

concept art for the synthwave album i’ll never write

morale will continue until the beatings improve

yeah i got some jokes about a shave and a haircut two bits

just occurred to me that eventually somebody is going to find this steamer trunk full of old swords in my attic and objectively that’s kinda’ awesome

save some cake for the rest of us grimace damn

there is no or (don’t fear it)

my friend, in seattle, on a thursday afternoon: “hey you in town saturday?” me, not within 2000 miles of seattle: “no dude i told you that was last weekend” my friend: “oh damn i had kraken tickets” me: my friend: “they’re vip if you want to fly back”

what do i know

what’s the german word for everything is happening all at once and i can’t even

my wife, after i woke her up with a room shaking fart: “that was heinous with a capital anus”

i hear a lot of tiny violins being played like an entire orchestra of miniature fiddles aboard the sinking titanic