“What Would Jesus Do” your bumper sticker asks? I doubt he would illegally park his Escalade in a handicapped spot to run into Starbucks.

My 81 year old Father-In-Law was mad at me for not changing the channel so he could watch iCarly. Talk about a mind blower!

Eat whatever you damn well please. If anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them, too.

Plan B isn't so bad when you consider how big the alphabet is.

I told the hair stylist to "make me look good" and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Condoms aren't completely safe. I just tripped in my my backyard and cut my knee while wearing one.

I used the handicapped stall at work. As I walked out a guy said "You don't look handicapped." I said "I was before I went in there.

It's almost like this marriage counselor doesn't care about my Facebook Status updates either.

Any room is a panic room if you don't have WiFi for few hours.

Social Media: Where people have learned more about spelling and grammar than they did in school.

The Post Office clerk asked me for my 'street name' to confirm delivery. "I don't have one" I replied "People call me Stu"

I'm an overachiever. Unfortunately, my achievements involve eating.

Just heard a girl tell another girl that she would kick her in the vagina if she didn't shut up. Normally that would turn me on but being that I am at Chuck E Cheese I am just disturbed.

Do me a favor. At the top of the steps make a left. Go all the way down the hallway go into the last room on your right and go fuck yourself.

Why is it that some are offended whenI type the word "Fuck" but if I write "F#%K" then it's all "LOL" and "Ha Ha"? Ah fuck it, who cares.

The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

I love that everytime I see a close up video of a fly he is rubbing his hands together like a tiny little criminal.

I'm getting my wife a mirror for her birthday. That'll show her who's boss!

If there's a beer can that changes colors when the beer's cold, why isn't there a tramp stamp tattoo that changes colors if she gets an STD?

Sorry for shouting "go go gadget personality" while you were speaking. Please, continue.

My girl got me an awesome ninja staff thing that plugs in and steam comes out when you slide it across the floor and... OH DAMN! THIS IS A MOP!

I saw a rock yesterday which measured 5280 feet in length. It must be some kind of milestone!

I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" means I didn't have to get up to pee!

You know that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling you get when you're in love? Long story short. I just proposed to a burrito.

I'm struggling with the decision of whether to tell my dog he's adopted.

Me, my father, and both my kids love all kinds of sports. I guess that makes us a multi-generational athletic supporters.

I think the stinky fat guy sitting next to me knows that I'm writing about him. Especially because I'm saying this out loud as I type it.

Been working out. Well, just pulling my wallet out of my front jeans pocket while driving, but still.

Give a man an inch, and he’ll take a... trimmer to it to make it look like an inch and a half.

I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.

As far as I can tell, if you go missing, they run your Facebook photo on the news. Can everybody PLEASE change their photo to my car keys?

Am I buy-curious for reading Consumer Reports?

Condoms aren't completely safe. I just tripped on the sidewalk and cut my knee while wearing one.

My current new year diet can only be described as "an unchaperoned child at a birthday party" diet.

Its quite ironic that in order to be really good at this social networking stuff, you have to sacrifice your social life.

ME: Medium drip. SB: GRAHN-day. That's how we say "medium." ME: OK—Monkeyspank. SB: Sorry? ME: That's how I say, "I'm not going to say that."

I REALLY need to start working out. I was holding my cousin's baby and he started nursing on me.

I just checked my outdoor thermometer and it was "Get the fuck in the house" degrees outside.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Cheap.

Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.

I wondered why my son wanted footie pajamas until I heard, "Don't taze me, bro!" as he chased his brother across the carpet.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now his two front teeth are missing

If strippers are called exotic dancers, shouldn't drug dealers be called exotic pharmacists?

The last thing my father taught me before his 9th divorce was, never admit your mistakes.

I wanted the latest giant screen Android phone but my son needed glasses. Needless to say, I tightened my belt and accepted another year of his C+ in reading.

It's no coincidence that "committed" refers to both relationships and lunatic asylums. Just sayin.

Hey dad, what's your opinion on abortion? ... "Son, I dont have time for this, go ask your little sister"...but dad, I dont have a little......

My car keeps pulling to the left forcing me to steer right. Either the alignment is off or I'm trying to drive a Democrat.

If unzipping my pants and saying go isn't romantic. I give up.

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, road trippen, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.