These job sites are frustrating. They want my "desired salary" but there's only room for nine numbers!

Me to my staff: "What incentives would make you work harder?" Staff member: "Bonus!" Me: "I'm not boning any of you!" #jokes

The moment I realized I had both a gambling & alcohol addiction was betting the Sheriff's department on the over/under of my breathalyzer.

What idiot first called it a rhetorical question?

Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me. #jokes

I created a Bluesky account because...well, I'm not really sure why. Now, I feel like I am a member of "Friends of the Friendless" as nobody wants to follow me. Nor do I really care.

It's awfully disappointing when someone says they're a "dog person" & you meet them for the first time & they're just a regular person who likes dogs. #jokes

I don't need Cialis to be ready for when the moment's right. Just a willing participant will do. #jokes

Okay, I am learning folks...Now, I know that if she asks me what's on TV, it's not a good idea to answer "dust". #jokes

I was thinking that I might wake up early and go running... but I also might win the lottery, so the odds are about the same. Coffee cardio it is. #joke

"Can't recognize USB device" is my laptop's "is it in yet?" #jokes

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?" #jokes

Like most of my friends, I dated a lot in high school. And by dated, I mean danced alone in my room in front of my Farrah Fawcett poster. We kissed a little too. Good times. #jokes

Like many of you, my car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar, fan speed 5", etc..., but never anything really helpful like, "there's a CHP hiding in the bushes." Again, do I need to think of everthing?! #jokes

Why does it seem that I usually make it to the ATM just behind the guy who's using it to refinance his home loan? #jokesallday

"The true sign you're not crazy is having the presence of mind to question your own sanity". At least that's what my dog used to say before he was abducted.

I used to sing "I wanna know what love is" but then I had this amazing bacon cheeseburger and well, you know the rest.

I would rather be left standing at the altar, than to have my debit card declined at a Subway.

I guess I lied. I got full after only eating half a horse.

If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car…you must be in a whole different tax bracket.

I wish this monkey on my back would take just a few minutes and rub my shoulders.

Seriously though, I'm not gay but if I were I would marry Ryan Gosling, or Tom Cruise, or John from accounting, or that mailman with the butt or......

This little piggy went to market. The Black Market, where he sold a kidney for drugs... It's a FUCKED up world son... Anyway goodnight.

Today is a very sad day. I lost a friend in a tragic accident. I was told by his family that he got his finger caught in a wedding ring. He will be missed. 

A man goes to the Doctor. The Doctor says you need to stop masturbating. The man replies "Why?" The Doctor says "I'm trying to give you a check-up!"

When I was younger "ADD" was called, "Shut the fuck up and do your homework".

Pharmacist asked if I were allergic to any medication. I answered “I don’t know, I have not tried them all yet.” And I get the bewildered look?

When I'm telling a story about killing a spider it gets progressively larger as the stories goes...by the end I've basically slayed a dragon. Ya, that's how I roll!

In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labeled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it.

I needed something therapeutic to do, so I took up gardening. After 6 months, 42 trips to Home Depot, 38 blisters, and throwing my back out, today I was able to eat my $632.00 salad.

If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

I've never met a man named Earl who didn't try eating things off of his own shirt.

If I didn't eat this whole pizza it would be insulting to the guy who made it.

I hate people who don't know when to use the proper punctuation?

Ok Welch's... if this is 100% Grape Juice, why the hell do you list 4 other ingredients? Evidently math isn't your strong suit.

I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts.

Thinking about opening a Head Shop and calling it "The $4.20 Store".

"You clean up nice" is a kinder way of saying "You don't look like shit today".

At my age, a "bad girl" is someone who leases a car without fully understanding the contract and - more precisely - doesn't care!

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a great idea... If you add commas.

Last night my wife fell asleep during some chick flick, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned on an action movie. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house".

I was planning on being a Superhero today but all of the dishtowels happen to be in the wash and what's a Superhero without his cape.

Leopard: I'm pregnant. Camel: What?! (The First Giraffe)

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir.

I really admire that woman wearing a tube top in Walmart earlier. That took a lot of gut.

Curious... How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

I told my boss that three companies were consistently coming after me and that I needed a raise! He asked me which three companies. I said, "Gas, Electric, and Water!"

I'm sick of those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firefighters.

"I need to stop questioning myself... right?"