If the #2 pencil is the most popular, than why is it still #2?

The world isn't going to end any time soon, it can't. These Funyuns don't expire until 2033.

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming.

100% of women I polled where sexually harassed by their pollster.

You know that thing in your mind that tells you when something is a bad idea? How do I get one of those? Asking for a friend.

I'm going shopping for a padded toilet seat, because I may as well be comfortable when I'm surfing.

If Donald Trump had superpowers, he’d be Homelander

This morning at Starbucks the Super hot black chick next to me ordered a vanilla latté & I didn't say a word because I'm a classy son of a bitch.

My kid: Hey Dad, check this out! Me: Dude, why are you licking you armpit? My kid: Because I can. Me: ... I really can't argue with that kind of logic

When I say, “How are you?” I can tell by people’s expressions that they don’t think I care. They finally get me.

Three more cheeseburgers and I can join the Mile Wide Club

I used to think orthopedic shoes were overrated… But I stand corrected.

First line from my new rap song: I'm a winner not a quitter like to update from my shitter.

Just left the the mall with my sons and they kept looking down to the first floor in hopes of seeing boobies. I have NEVER been more proud.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In other words, I just logged into Bluesky

And why do I have to teach my "smartphone" how to spell? I mean what the he'll.

Our world’s best scientist were able to figure out how to have a man live in deep space for months at a time but the ability to stop a runny nose continues to escape them!

Guys rarely think inside the box. #notadadjoke

I was gonna go to the gym this morning but then I thought "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

Google just returned 3,557,836,961 results for my search. Someone please cancel my morning appointments.

If cops were really public servants they'd stop pulling me over and start cleaning my house.

The Chinese criminal justice system is in trouble once perps realize all you need to do is push the cuffs inward to release your fingers.

Lactose intolerance forces many of us to celebrate Cinco de Miracle Whip.

Not making a Cinco de Mayo joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals.

People say they love make up sex, but I had real sex once and it was way better than the sex I make up.

I just put "ninjas" into my search engine. It came back "ninjas can not be found." Well played ninjas, well played!

Why is it that more people are not concerned that a guy who wants to invest money with him is called a broker?

My mother once called to tell me she knew a girl that would date me, then we laughed SO uncontrollably hard that I had to remove my C-3PO mask.

If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.

For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version... it doesn't listen to anything.

I’ve got a superpower… hot 25-year-olds with daddy issues take one look at me and suddenly decide they want to heal and make better life choices.

If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

My son was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said: "He was a poor boy from a poor family.

I'm starting to think that women are not the delicate little flowers we were led to believe.

How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

I just filled out my organ donor card because I always wanted to know what it was like to be wanted for my body.

I used to eat 6 slices of pizza, now I only eat 3

My first pet was named Tiny and I grew up on Weiner Street. I'll have to look elsewhere for my porn name.

I got my stomach from doing as many crunches as I can, every day. Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

Things I'm not good at making: A) Beds 2. Friends with Ex's 5rd: Lists

It took 40 years but I finally found that elusive “G” spot I heard so much about. The “G” spot is just a regular spot that dropped out of school to hustle hard on these streets.

Gay dudes are so lucky, They never have to worry about How gay they look when trying to jump over a rain puddle.

To be honest, I don't mind coming to work everyday, but this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit!

My dog has a huge booger on his snout. It's really gross, but I had to put it somewhere.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Look, if you didn't want me curled in the fetal position, sobbing on your sofa, you shouldn't have told me to make myself at home.

I've been in computer support for so long now that if I’m ever on life support unplug me. And then plug me back in and see if that works.

Pessimists see difficulty in every opportunity. Optimists see opportunity in every difficulty. Opportunists (Like me) make fun of both of them.

My Three moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit

My mom is getting smarter in her golden years. She now plays the Alzheimer's card when the bill comes at dinner!