@finsnerd.bsky.social
📤 95
📥 19
📝 955
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, than why is it still #2?
about 11 hours ago
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The world isn't going to end any time soon, it can't. These Funyuns don't expire until 2033.
about 11 hours ago
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The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming.
about 11 hours ago
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100% of women I polled where sexually harassed by their pollster.
about 11 hours ago
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You know that thing in your mind that tells you when something is a bad idea? How do I get one of those? Asking for a friend.
about 11 hours ago
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I'm going shopping for a padded toilet seat, because I may as well be comfortable when I'm surfing.
about 11 hours ago
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If Donald Trump had superpowers, he’d be Homelander
4 days ago
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This morning at Starbucks the Super hot black chick next to me ordered a vanilla latté & I didn't say a word because I'm a classy son of a bitch.
5 days ago
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My kid: Hey Dad, check this out! Me: Dude, why are you licking you armpit? My kid: Because I can. Me: ... I really can't argue with that kind of logic
5 days ago
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When I say, “How are you?” I can tell by people’s expressions that they don’t think I care. They finally get me.
5 days ago
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Three more cheeseburgers and I can join the Mile Wide Club
5 days ago
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I used to think orthopedic shoes were overrated… But I stand corrected.
6 days ago
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First line from my new rap song: I'm a winner not a quitter like to update from my shitter.
7 days ago
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Just left the the mall with my sons and they kept looking down to the first floor in hopes of seeing boobies. I have NEVER been more proud.
7 days ago
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In other words, I just logged into Bluesky
7 days ago
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And why do I have to teach my "smartphone" how to spell? I mean what the he'll.
7 days ago
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Our world’s best scientist were able to figure out how to have a man live in deep space for months at a time but the ability to stop a runny nose continues to escape them!
7 days ago
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Guys rarely think inside the box.
#notadadjoke
9 days ago
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I was gonna go to the gym this morning but then I thought "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"
11 days ago
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Google just returned 3,557,836,961 results for my search. Someone please cancel my morning appointments.
11 days ago
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If cops were really public servants they'd stop pulling me over and start cleaning my house.
13 days ago
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The Chinese criminal justice system is in trouble once perps realize all you need to do is push the cuffs inward to release your fingers.
14 days ago
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Lactose intolerance forces many of us to celebrate Cinco de Miracle Whip.
14 days ago
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Not making a Cinco de Mayo joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals.
14 days ago
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People say they love make up sex, but I had real sex once and it was way better than the sex I make up.
14 days ago
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I just put "ninjas" into my search engine. It came back "ninjas can not be found." Well played ninjas, well played!
14 days ago
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Why is it that more people are not concerned that a guy who wants to invest money with him is called a broker?
15 days ago
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My mother once called to tell me she knew a girl that would date me, then we laughed SO uncontrollably hard that I had to remove my C-3PO mask.
16 days ago
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If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
16 days ago
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For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version... it doesn't listen to anything.
16 days ago
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I’ve got a superpower… hot 25-year-olds with daddy issues take one look at me and suddenly decide they want to heal and make better life choices.
16 days ago
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If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
16 days ago
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My son was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said: "He was a poor boy from a poor family.
16 days ago
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I'm starting to think that women are not the delicate little flowers we were led to believe.
17 days ago
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How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.
17 days ago
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I just filled out my organ donor card because I always wanted to know what it was like to be wanted for my body.
17 days ago
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I used to eat 6 slices of pizza, now I only eat 3
19 days ago
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My first pet was named Tiny and I grew up on Weiner Street. I'll have to look elsewhere for my porn name.
19 days ago
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I got my stomach from doing as many crunches as I can, every day. Usually either Nestlé or Captain.
19 days ago
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Things I'm not good at making: A) Beds 2. Friends with Ex's 5rd: Lists
19 days ago
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It took 40 years but I finally found that elusive “G” spot I heard so much about. The “G” spot is just a regular spot that dropped out of school to hustle hard on these streets.
19 days ago
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Gay dudes are so lucky, They never have to worry about How gay they look when trying to jump over a rain puddle.
21 days ago
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To be honest, I don't mind coming to work everyday, but this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit!
21 days ago
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My dog has a huge booger on his snout. It's really gross, but I had to put it somewhere.
21 days ago
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
21 days ago
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Look, if you didn't want me curled in the fetal position, sobbing on your sofa, you shouldn't have told me to make myself at home.
21 days ago
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I've been in computer support for so long now that if I’m ever on life support unplug me. And then plug me back in and see if that works.
21 days ago
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Pessimists see difficulty in every opportunity. Optimists see opportunity in every difficulty. Opportunists (Like me) make fun of both of them.
23 days ago
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My Three moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit
23 days ago
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My mom is getting smarter in her golden years. She now plays the Alzheimer's card when the bill comes at dinner!
23 days ago
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