It might be just me but CSI seems a little like Scooby Doo for old people.

Leslie Nielsen died 15 years ago today at a Florida Hospital. It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now. RIP and thanks for the laughs. #dadjokes

I’d like to propose a new law. If you don’t know how to put gas in your car, you lose your license.

I've witnessed friends do really stupid stuff while high. But that's nothing compared to the stupid things I've seen them do while in love

My prison pen pal is being released next week. Been nice knowing you guys and being alive and stuff.

Son: What's the difference between karate and judo? Me: Karate is a method of self defence and judo is what bagels are made of.

I am "filters are used for coffee and/or water, not for photographs" years old. Yep. I'm THAT old.

Santa's getting pretty old now. Christmas won't be the same when he dies.

Watched "Sex and the City 2" with the wife. Because shooting myself in the face with a cannon full of rusty nails would wake the kids.

Last night I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

Q: Why is it scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat? A: Cause if they feel forward they would still be in the boat.

I need a hug. Sorry, typo,,meant to say "I killed a bug". Damn Siri always thinks she knows what's best for me!

I seriously thought about moving my coffee maker next to my bed but that would pretty much eliminate all of my daily cardio.

An email from my parents typically would look like this: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim

Sneaking up on the kid with an air horn cured him of hiccups. Now, does anyone know how to get poop stains out of carpet? #dadjoke

It's okay password, I'm insecure too. #dadjoke

Women clean toilets using Clorox, rubber gloves and a scrub brush. Men clean toilets by peeing as hard as they can on the stains. #dadjoke

When people say how much my kids look like me, I wish they wouldn't sound so shocked.

There are 20 year olds that don't understand the reference "you've got mail". Like I wasn't feeling old already you stupid 90's baby son of a…. #jokes

I forget, for which of his performances was Wesley Snipes jailed for? #jokes

I've never told anyone someone said hi.

I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them. #joke

I once got fired from an office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch. #joke

When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being frickin awesome at everything."

I asked the pharmacist which laxative is the shittiest. I think it's a fair question. #adultjoke

She sells seashells by the seashore because she has terrible business sense and shouldn't be selling them where people can get them free. #dadjoke

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want. #dadjoke

Progress is amazing. A century ago, to pass through a town on a horse, we needed about 2 hours. But today with cars, we need about 2 hours. #dadjoke

I'm making my kids learn the ABCs backwards while standing on one foot with a flashlight in their face to prepare them for the real world. #dadjoke

I would donate blood but I doubt anyone else's blood type is dark French roast.

My Great Grandfather told me stories of the days before sliced bread. It took five men to tear apart a loaf. Many perished. #dadjokes

The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

If you're not willing to have a cocktail in a sippy cup so you can drink in the shower, I really question your dedication to alcoholism.

If there's a sucker born every minute, how come I'm not getting a BJ right now? #adultjoke

Every once in a while I get a notification that somebody added me on X and a tumbleweed rolls by and a coyote howls in the distance.

When I wake up in the morning I can't decide if I want buns of steel or buns of cinnamon. #dadjoke

No thanks Target, I don't need a 10 cent bag. I'll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me. #joke

I don't NEED Viagra, but I'm going to take some because I hate people standing too close to me in the grocery store checkout line. #joke

The average lifespan of a chicken would be 8 yrs if they weren't so darn delicious! #dadjoke

Whoever came up with this advertising must’ve had the job title “master of the obvious“

Starbucks puts the fee in coffee.

If you're lonely, pretend to choke and you'll score a free hug from behind if you're lucky. #joke

I tried on a pair of skinny jeans, but I farted while wearing them and blew my shoes across the room. #joke

New to Bluesky? Don't worry. The shame wears off just as the addiction kicks in.

Quick update on my athleticism, I just fell down trying to pump my Reebok Pumps. Don't worry, I will be fine after a short 6 week recovery. #joke

The average lifespan of a chicken would be 8 yrs if they weren't so damn delicious #joke

Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal.

Just because I'm not a dentist doesn't mean I can't fill your cavity.

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.