So, to get the skilled nursing paid for, he can't have hospice. Sorry, I don't have $11,000 a month so I can self pay. This sucks.

Nursing home called while I was driving. I called back four times and no one responds. Left a message with the social worker. Deep breaths!

Solo adulting is the goal today. Oil change and getting the car ready for winter. His car needs to be started and serviced too even though he'll not be driving it ever again.

The pile of papers on my desk is much more manageable. I can see the top of the desk now. Running out of steam so shifting over to mopping and I'll file all this crap in the morning.

The house is cleaner but I have no interest in getting it company ready. The labor was for my benefit.

Keeping busy is a good antidote. I hate filing but that's next. Husband usually does it. Did his usual chores like changing filters today. That is now my job.

I can't find a good photo of my husband. I did find this one though. It was one of his daily activities and it involved the dogs.

I feel like I've been awake for hours when in fact, just three hours. Gloomy and rainy outside. Tackling chores and it's actually giving me a dopamine boost to check it off my list. I still hear someone say "company's coming". I react when I hear that.

Any other Saturday before Thanksgiving, I'd be busy thawing a turkey and planning a feast. Haven't missed this in 40 years. This year, he'll get his turkey in a nursing home. I'll pick up a plate at the community dinner.

Puttering around the house today and getting things organized. Sometimes it helps to soothe my jangling nerves to chase dust bunnies.

Husband's relatives want to come visit. I suggested they stay at a hotel since gosh, I'm not in "company's coming!" cleaning mode right now. I don't even have a working shower. My dogs also don't like strangers in their house. Nobody would be able to sleep if they camped out here.

My husband's co-workers are starting to visit. Today, they brought BBQ. Wednesday, they brought a hard hat covered in messages of support. He's been wearing a hard hat working in a factory for over 40 years.

Admitted him to hospice today. Just numb.

My husband set up disability account using his work email and I can't get into the website.

Thanks to Ken Burns, another successful map. I really do want to watch it. I woke up when I heard a cello solo that was familiar. It was Zoe Keating.

My Chart gave me a pounding headache. I uploaded a document, it changed the password and I had to call tech support to get it reset after getting locked out. My life is difficult enough without a call to tech support.

No luck on the plumbing problem and I can't get it fixed until Tuesday.

Hooray! I think I fixed the air trapped in the pipe and all it took was a little research. Shut off the water supply, flush toilet and open faucets. Turn on main water supply. Let water run for five or ten minutes. I can take a shower now without getting scalded.

Texted my handyman and he's not available. Calling a plumber this morning. Please pray for my checkbook. Air in the cold water line to the shower and it rumbles. Can't adjust the water temp and it's a scalding risk to take a shower. The last thing I need right now.

Well, so far Ken Burns has put me to sleep several nights in a row. Because I'm exhausted. I really do wish I could keep my eyes open and watch an excellent documentary. It's on the DVR and maybe when life is less stressful, I can enjoy it.

Talked to the facility social worker and she has initiated hospice care. I'm struggling with arranging his funeral. It's only been a month since he was diagnosed.

My brother has a fixation with the family burial plot. My husband doesn't want to be laid to rest next to members of my family who were openly racist. My mother in particular. I set a boundary not to bring up the topic again.

The second opinion oncologist didn't sugar coat it. Chemo won't buy my husband much extra time. Prognosis is two to three more months left. I'm glad he was a straight shooter. We've need answers for a month now. This cancer is just too aggressive to beat.

Headed to Missouri to talk to a better oncologist.

Dachshund is outside going a-roo. Sometimes a boy just needs to howl.

I've eaten. Next up, a hot shower and a nap. Pounding headache. Tomorrow, road trip to a better oncologist. Which means being trapped in a car with a man who is angry about having cancer who takes it out on me.

I know this is his displaced anxiety but he wants to focus on the little stuff I haven't done perfectly and not focus on the stuff that matters. He was not nice about it. I sent the wrong charger cord for a tablet. He has a second tablet with a charger cord that works.

Been napping on and off most of the day. Got up to feed myself, the dogs and to let the dogs outside. Come Monday morning, the stress starts all over again. Cancer is relentless.

Lip service

Getting some help today. One old friend is going to mow for me and another friend is going to get me some warmer clothes out of the attic. Did cancer research this morning and still not finding a happy ever after scenario.

The staff as the nursing home had an active shooter training this afternoon. May be some requirement for accreditation by Medicare. Isn't that sad that even seniors are subject to gun violence? They are defenseless.

My hope is I got all the fires under control and I can focus on other things today and get a nap too. It may not be the reality. Day 25 of the cancer diagnosis and taking control of who the providers are seems to be making a huge difference. He made the key decision yesterday to not do chemo

The more I can manage my husband's care sitting at home with a phone and a computer, the more I can multitask and get other stuff like laundry done waiting for a return call. And I can fix myself a nice lunch or breakfast. Stay in my pajamas all day long. I do my best strategizing in pajamas.

Big day. New oncologist on board. Palliative care doctor got a referral. And I found time to cook for the dogs. All by the PCP. The moral of the story is when you don't reach out and advocate for your man and let disinterested people make decisions for you, it always isn't to your advantage.

Found him a new oncologist. Let's hope this one isn't so disorganized.

Not even eight in the morning and I have a pounding headache.

Today's goal is to get my husband's cancer care to a better provider. One that actually does patient education and just doesn't book them for chemo when the patient isn't sure he wants chemo. That's not informed consent. It's unethical.

Checked my husband's My Chart and he's scheduled for chemo. Husband said he has not consented. He has not had cancer education and he wants to wait for a second opinion. He has second opinion appts set up with Siteman Cancer in St. Louis. This is highly unethical. It's also rude!

I just deleted that post about Black Friday. It was just an observation how I've lost track of time in the middle of this cancer nightmare. I don't need to be responding to posts of others begging to me urge people to boycott Amazon. I have plenty of other worried right now.

My dogs miss me. I realized that I hadn't sat down and talked to them for 22 days. They are used to a happy mommy who sings silly songs with their names. Mommy sang to them today and I think they liked it.

Crawling back in bed since I am just so tired. Right after I get the dogs fed and get them out for potty.

There is this lovely young man who has come to help me move heavy objects before. I texted him to see if he can help again. I have no business on a pull down attic ladder without someone to call 911 if I fall. I need some warmer clothing. It's in the attic.

Fifteen days until Thanksgiving and since it will be me all alone this year, I think I'll settle for a turkey sandwich or a Swanson TV dinner. Ditto for Christmas. The thought of going to a community dinner is just depressing.

So tired. So much that I have to get done. But as people keep saying, put on your own oxygen mask. Easy to say. When does the phone quit ringing? When does people stop piling more problems on my shoulders? I'm going back to bed for a few hours.

In my jammies and headed to bed with a hot water bottle at my feet and two sweet dachshunds who had no indoor accidents today. It's dachshund fashion show season once again.

I counted out my eight pills and set them on the kitchen counter to get a glass of water. When I picked them up again, something seemed off. I did a quick count in my palm and had nine small objects. One of them was a piece of Kibble & Bits.

Porcupine mode activated. My husband is scheduled for a doctor's appointment and the cancer center added education on advanced directives. Those have been done and I don't need a nurse doing the job of a lawyer here. She's intruding into my legal business too. Don't.