praying to every deity to be granted a thirty-day free trial to the audacity of a mediocre white man

Me, in-game, begging to be killed is also me, irl, tempting death.

i don't know what kind of lesson the universe is trying to teach me this week, but i will wring joy out of a typhoon.

Strangely (not strange), have decided to just get a tattoo because i couldn't wait. Guess who got herself an appointment with Crimson River for tomorrow, for a tattoo that I just want for the sake of it?

The hits keep coming this week! Need to find a way to make myself feel better, otherwise i might drown (myself)>

#DraculaALoveTale There are only two (2) characters in this film: Dracula and Elisabet. Even the priest was only a tool for Dracula to find his way back to her.

Dracula from the point of view of Jonathan Harker is psychological horror; from Dracula's pov, it's a slow-burn romance.

The antidote to fear is action.

a good evening with friends. prayed for jamie's lola.

& be gentle with me, as i come with a broken brain, a swollen heart, full to the brim with feeling. gentle, not because i can't take more grief, but because i would rather not hold myself too closely.

🍞🐶

Celebrating having achieved a goal I hadn't thought I could achieve this year -- getting into more romance books (albeit, okay, I read stranger romance than most, but whatever) and sharing in the unabashed joy that they bring!

The relief of holding down a job that is separate from my inner life.

Work for the week finished, capped by work for the volunteer org, which is always, always worth it.

I don't have any good feelings about the Philippines' participation in the GOH. I only feel the weight of the labor that went into it (only the smallest, barest amount, because so much went into the project), and the weight of making it worth it, of having done enough work to justify the effort.

Home after traveling means I need to breathe some life back into my body, and reconnect with my life again.

Cure to loneliness, pleas.e

Body clock barely adjusting to the time, might as well work on some of my personal projects while I'm awake and waiting for breakfast at 6AM. Miss my friends.

That single teardrop on Colin's cheek still has me in a chokehold 🪢

I need to go back to reading poetry -- but my brain is full of other words, numbers, other emotions.

Still.

✨ Peep's 36th.

Phytoplankton, Birmingham Pen Company.

God it took me a lot of fiddling to properly ink my kaweco! And the supra is so tiny, not even a mini Kaweco converter fits! Bahhhh humbug.

it took a lot of work to finally shrug off remarks about my weight as insubstantial noise. so much work.

Nothing can touch or damage my inner life

So good, so good, so good. So scattery and smooth and tightly orchestrated.

Finally starting to figure out how to work with LibreOffice!

On repeat. On repeat. On repeat.

celebrating this bottomless hyperfixation over the color green

🍞

i too would like to study again 😭

@andbel.bsky.social :)

A romance between two young women at the end of the world though ✨

Tonight I discovered the gym can also be a mental reset. I let my affect dwindle and for 30 minutes as I walked, I listened to a nice calming podcast.

Removed social media from my phone and ipad (including youtube) forcing me to yank the needle from my arm. Part of relearning how to make peace with quiet.

Found a new ear worm. Something about the way they sing "tearing the skin off my bones" is so, so satisfying. open.spotify.com/track/17phhZ...

I had a dream where my favorite local bag-maker produced a leather bag with lining and a zipper, and in that dream i was at once confused and disappointed because i recalled a specific line in their FAQs that read, 'we don't line our bags because we think the leather should be showcased' and --

oh it soothes my brain, oh, on open.spotify.com/track/1YQWos...

The Residence's soothing, beautiful, spiky, melodramatic OST should also be lauded, where are the people obsessed with its sound design?

I would like to be medicated, under-stimulated, overeducated all the time. Harder.

i remind myself no one is watching, no one is studying my life or turning over rocks for mistakes. no one, i'm safe.

begging my doctor to increase my medication

😭

The past week taught me how differently my parent and I handle risk and finances. When she was younger, she wanted a house for her small family desperately enough that she threw caution to the wind and made a financial commitment she could only barely afford.

I've been going to a cafe nearby to help jumpstart my brain to accomplish tasks, but today was just harder than normal. I couldn't find a grip on myself strong enough to help me think, so after the drink, I headed home :(

a house full of things i find beautiful a home

subtly going to figure out how to do menial things around the house -- fixing wall sockets, painting furniture and walls, repairing toilets, etc. So I can live alone and invite no one into the home.

bless this sentence: we don't know how durable the cloud infrastructure will be, but we know that archival paper lasts at least 300 years and so we should think long and hard before abandoning it. screaming.

Soothe the brain, make it whole