For the record, I literally don't care if you hit an ICE agent with your car. Do it again so we can watch.

It seems like every other month on social media brings new discourse where people shame women for something that I thought most of us found nearly irresistible. Do straight men even like women?

I don't know if y'all know this, but from the very beginning, we killed the monsters that came after our friends and families and used their parts for clothing and trophies.

How many people does ICE have to hurt before it's community self-defense to erase them from the server on sight?

If the government ever murders me, please remind everyone that the only gang I belong to is the one that bangs your mom

If you're not sleeping with me, you are sleeping against me.

I don't think we're mad enough about all the Black men who keep getting lynched and then having it recorded as a self-termination.

We are a rogue state, run by a dictator, and the international community should treat us as such including all appropriate economic and diplomatic sanctions

This is not complicated. The United States does not have the authority, moral or otherwise, to police and invade other countries. Full stop.

I have long ago lost track of the number of war crimes I have personally witnessed our presidents commit in my lifetime, but this one still managed to genuinely shock me. We invaded a foreign country, specifically for the profit of Exon, murdering civilians, and kidnapping their leader and spouse.

My annual resolution is to not make resolutions. That way I can fail immediately and not have to think about it again until next year.

Flip both houses of Congress so we can defund ICE please.

I'm 5'11", but I tell strangers at parties I'm 5'9" to make men lying about being taller uncomfortable.

One of my favorite hobbies as a tallish bald person is pointing out to men their receding hairline.

I'm not actually feeling better - I just don't talk about it anymore.

Many local performance scenes are overflowing with well-intentioned medium talents hustling their hearts out to achieve the next step of fame before developing the ability to sustain at that level, combined with a crab bucket mentality. But at least we aren't boring.

I do not believe people's deaths mean more because they are famous. Every loss is a tragedy if you're close enough to it.

I have two wolves inside me. One of them is a girl who is a boy, and the other one is a boy who is a girl.

I just accepted the lead worker role for my position at my library branch. Just in time for my one year anniversary at the library!

I'm about to read of a proclamation in front of the county commissioners about the Trans Day of Remembrance.

I've learned more from the Black Panthers than any White leftist organization in history.

25th Amendment now.

Everyone worth more than a billion dollars should be taxed 1% of their net worth every single day as a "living tax" they pay to stay alive.

Clearly, my true special interest is being annoying.

I just taught a room full of Portland comics what a "pre-glazed" hole is. I'm not sorry.

Indiana Jones was the best action hero of the 80's because he killed the most nazis

When you're mad at me, just remember that this is who you're mad at. I'm full of whimsy AND I will bite your entire face off, so be nice to me.

I was just on a lunch date at a Mexican restaurant with this beautiful Mexican woman, and the way the waiter bounced back and forth between English and Spanish depending on who he was talking to at the time was really sending me. 💀💀

Someone invite me to their Thanksgiving dinner so I can decline for virtue signaling reasons.

Maybe being loved the right way would fix me

I might have depression, but I also have ADHD, autism, and type three bipolar disorder.

I bring library books to the gym so all the twinks and femboys know I can fuck.

I'm 87% sure everyone in this Home Depot can tell I'm gay.

I'm sorry, I follow the old gods, and the Morrigan told me I have to collect your skull because you're a terrible person.

Never forget who sold us out: Hassan King Cortez-Masto Shaheen Kaine Fetterman Durbin Rosen

I'm going to be so real with you right now - I thought Dick Cheney was already dead.

Everyone excited about SNAP benefits being taken away should be chained to a rock overnight during November in the Rockies. Try eating bark and moss to survive, you sadist.

Halloween is the only time of year things are decorated the way they should be.

Welcome to the intolerant left

Sometimes you don't realize how poorly you were treated until someone gives you the bare minimum and it feels like the world.

Third base is making a playlist together

I just posted a TikTok video that is going to be used at my federal trial. Y'all aren't angry enough

John Brown would never tolerate some of you.

I also work part-time as an airlock for AFAB folks working through their gender and autism diagnosis before they are released back into the wild.

I know I'm fat because when my nearly naked body was on the movie screen at the film festival, the person next to me leaned over and told me I was brave.

My love language is being manipulated.

If they go low, kick them in the face.