I don’t wanna brag but I do know someone that once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

If anyone needs me I’ll be under the woman’s pajamas circle rack, eating cheese ballz that I fully intend to pay for upon my departure.

Anyone else’s microwave make them feel some type of way? Like quit fucking beeping at me I know the shits done and I frankly don’t like your tone.

I remember going on my first “Booze Cruise.” And I don’t mean a yacht deal, we’re talking Lake Erie ferry boat. Coming back from island hopping we hit some rough waves in a storm. Woman across from me filled the majority of a garbage bag with vomit. Why did we think that was fun 😂 ok carry on!

Paying $8.50 for a Starbucks Caramel Brulée Latte. Expectation: A beautiful holy deliverance of caffeinated Christmas spirit. Reality: This tastes like a fuckin Yankee Candle.

This Geo storm got me feelin cute. May jog with scissors later.

The Captain has turned on the toking sign. You may now feel free to move about an altered reality.

They fucking caved.

We have so much technology. WHY do ornament hooks come like this!!! Sweet baby Geezus!

DO NOT CAVE! If you cave now: MILLIONS will die without affordable healthcare. YES. We know what this means. Food we can share, networks of help can be built. Covid was our test run. We did it then we can do it again. You can feed the starving, you cant raise the dead!

Nobody puts Bernie in the corner!

At this stage of the game I’m just going to have a dramatic shower.

Yes you can come over but no one uses the Hello Kitty blanket but me and Annabelle is JUST to look at, NOT to play with.

This is allllll coming to a grinding halt. Those of us that were raised on 80’s music, John Carpenter movies, and pop tarts will lead. Come with us if you want to live.

If anyone needs me I’ll be listening to Johnny Fever waiting on the next Hog Report from Les. Damn that fella does love news. Also the chair is very much against the fucking wall.

Ahhhh it’s the holidays again kids! That magical time when you and a random cousin will explore new places to get absolutely butter basted and avoid the shit show of family conversations. Places like the one park that still has the metal bubble hive or the calm seclusion of a Target parking lot.

Trying all red lights this year…don’t know if this screams Christmas or Happy Ending $5… I’m getting the voice of someone’s Asian Auntie… ohhhhh that whore light!

You can call me old, crazy, or high. I have no shame in all three but I’ve seen….things and experienced…things…what if…instead of us getting visits from the dead, we ARE the dead getting visits from the living…💨

Well Bob looks like we’ve smoked ourselves into another case of Gary Busey Syndrome.

Which is worse… The fact you give anyone the cracked turd that is Palmer “chocolate” or the description…

He keeps going thinking he will break us. No. Fuck you. I’m about to get to know my neighbors when I start going door to door letting people know as long as I have I got you. He thinks these are moves of strength HA! Mother fucker you don’t know what strong is.

This was a successful unveiling!

Fuckinnnnnn STEELERS BABY!

YouTube Video first line.. “Hello friends, this video is brought to you with love!” Title of the video: “I Couldn’t Stop the River of Shit Coming from This Rug”

Love Halloween! I just made out with a guy dressed as a priest! Ma’am that was Father Brevio! Well he answers to daddy too…just fyi.

I think I just saw my junior year history teacher dressed as baby new year on a live Halloween feed from a bar in Florida. Who is questioning their life choices now Mr. Dungieo

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how concerned everyone has been but I am here to announce Mariah Carey has been successfully thawed out once again. Merry fuckin Christmas.

We need a service that provides rental of extremely realistic animal statues for the soul purpose of scaring the shit out of someone.

Just here havin’ a me party. Little smoke, bit of coffee, come sit if ya like. But I will warn you shit will get weird and we will watch horror movies. Good ones. No Rob Zombie remake shit. I said what I said 💨💨

Merry Halloween from the Resistance…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but your cat is posting vids of you.

So let’s get Christmas crafting! For this project you’ll need Apple Barrel Paint in the shade Lemon Labia, Apple Barrel Paint in the shade Toasty Scrote and Apple Barrel Paint in the shade Pinky Pucker. You’ll also need 12 paint stir sticks, and a good amount of…shit…my toaster strudel is on fire!!!

“I’m here to audition for the new feminine wash commercial.” “Ok any questions before we run the lines?” “What’s the theme?” “…Seagulls.”

“French the corners.” “Do what?” “French them. The corners look nice if they’re Frenched.” “wtf does that even mean?” “I don’t know man it sounded good at the time. Let’s just move on.”

Great day for our country…

Reasons I could not date a Superhero… The landing strip is now a whole ass abandoned air field and they can all see through your clothes. Yes Barbara through your JC Penney cooter cap too. Mind your business.

My inner dialog has been flying out lately and I gotta say, I do say fuck, a lot more these days.

It’s happening again…

If these damn prices go up anymore I’m going to be Ho Ho Ho-ing for real this Christmas.

Shaggy! Scooby! Daphne! Velma! There’s been a heist at the Louvre! Where’s Fred? Zoinks! Yeah he’s not coming. Mystery solving just got to be too much after he ripped old man Crothers actual face off. Now he just stays home, day drinks, and jerks off till he passes out.

So the 18th was fun. When do we do it again? Because we aren’t stopping. We aren’t shutting up. We’re all coming for you, you useless sack of shit. NO FUCKING KINGS! We now return you to regularly scheduled attempt at humorous skeets, already in progress.

Someone call Snake Plissken. The sequel Is happening! “Escape from America: The Final Front.”

Oddly enough also my Superhero name…

Ok ladies last check on the costumes before we head out! Pirate! Nice! Ohhhh dead nurse! Great blood splatter! Oh Christ! What… What? You can’t just go around with both tits taped together like that! What even are you? …Reverse hunchback…Duh

Welcome to the Blessed Ascension of Light, we meet 3 times a week, Fridays we do share the room with Alien Abduction Support, please respect their choice to be nude. Oh, also the main bathrooms are closed tonight. The Holistic Clense group accidentally synched up and maintenance is not coming.

Sitting in my Uber, car pulls up with decent front end damage…and I notice a shirt stuck in the metal…dragging under the car… I’m …like it’s probably fine… If you see some…. Ok SOMETHING!!!

Yes the dark side has cookies. But they are oatmeal raisin that look like chocolate chip, and they’re leftover from an elementary school open house night in the 80’s.

You know here’s the thing, and stop me if I’m wrong, we all need to collectively decide what our first…wait…what day is it…FUCK! Was it my turn to thaw out Mariah Carey this year!?!?

Embrace who you really are… *puts on full cow suit, runs around outside yelling “Milk me daddy!” No… Not like that.

An opinion is like a penis. It’s totally fine that you have one. It’s when you whip it out and start repeatedly thumping my forehead with it that it becomes a problem.