Unfortunately, the university has decided that it’s no longer profitable to permit events that are Woke and Gay. These events include: -Holocaust Commemoration Panel -Women in STEM Seminar -Racially integrated dining hall -Pride March Palooza -Female professors -History courses -Education Thanks!

Welcome to spring term! The Dining Commons will be serving Kentucky Fried Seagull tonight (1/26) to celebrate the beginning of the semester 😋

Welcome back, seagulls! Remember to lock in this semester! 💪 🐤💪

It has come to our attention that an impersonation label has been falsely placed on this account. Fear not, your dashing and intelligent account admin works for SU directly and will clear this up. Tally Ho!

Happy reading day! Free pizza will be served in the Fireside Lounge on campus today, from 8 am to exactly 45 minutes before you read this post! 🍕

This Holiday Fun Run will be more lively than ever! SU has recruited members of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity to chase runners down the Fun Run route to motivate you! (SU cannot be held responsible for what may occur if they catch you, but we can ignore the problem until it makes the news!)

To ease the stress of finals week, President Lepre is opening her home to students who wish to decorate delicious sugar cookies! Students are advised not to look too closely at the ingredients in the dough, or to note that they can only attend this event if “fattened up enough”.

Welcome back from break, seagulls! If you feel stressed due to the upcoming finals period, please do not come crying to us #mentalhealth

Google tells us that “thirst trap” photos will get more engagement on our school account. Fine by us! #SeagullNation 🐤🍑

As we prepare for Thanksgiving break, please note that dorms must be emptied of food, beer, wine, hard liquor, cannabis, cocaine, heroin, knives, handguns, rifles, and grenade launchers. Thank you for your cooperation, and have a fantastic break!

In an effort to make our construction environmentally friendly, SU is working with ecological awareness groups to ensure the Blackwell Hall renovations will be completed with only 100 percent organic asbestos!

In addition to “Make Tomorrow Yours,” SU is overjoyed to introduce our second school slogan: “Please Don’t Fall Into Our Sinkhole!” (Other slogans considered for addition included “Sinkhole? What Sinkhole?” and “Aw C’mon, It’s Only Under The Gym!”)

Our newly created LGBT Safety Task Force have started an initiative to enclose homophobic/transphobic faculty members into the open walls of Blackwell Hall, Cask of Amontillado-style.

Our arts department will display their newest campus photograph, Someone Fell Into The Devilbiss Fountain, in the university gallery from the 22nd to the 30th of this month 🖼️

Please report @salisburyuniv.bsky.social for impersonation. This is the ONLY official Bluesky account of Salisbury University, as stated in this account’s pinned tweet. GO GULLS!

In accordance with ancient Marylander custom, the Salisbury undergraduate student with the lowest GPA at the end of the semester will be parboiled alive and sprinkled generously with Old Bay.

SU is required to state that the red savory condiment served in our dining facilities cannot legally be referred to as “ketchup”. Please instead refer to it as “that good red-red” or “the stuff from the squeezy pump.”

All participation grades for STEM-related courses will now be contingent upon students showering before coming to class. If this fails to improve the breathability of the air in Henson, administrators will be forced to institute a universal “hose-down” policy for those entering the hall.

Commons food porn 👅

Our biology faculty is pleased to announce that they have successfully cultivated a new microbial life-form derived from the black sludge on the floor of the Seagull Square elevators!

In order to prevent collisions with students, all campus golf carts will be fitted with steam locomotive-style cowcatchers. They will, of course, continue to be driven at 20 mph down all campus pathways.

For the second year running, our beloved president Dr. Carolyn Lepre has been awarded “Most Likely To Kill and Eat An Intern” by the JD Power Awards Commission! Please, join us in congratulating her!

The next student who says the sweetgum trees outside our library look like penises is paying double tuition!

We at SU hear your complaints about being removed from campus housing to make way for an excess of new freshmen, but have you considered: we like money

You’re going to hell, heretic

Coughing in the library is now punishable by revocation of student housing placements. Study hard, seagulls!

With the new grants we just received from the state of Maryland, SU is pleased to announce that we are implementing an intensive program that teaches our business majors to read chapter books!

Have you ever wished that the Roman Empire was the only empire to ever exist? Do you think most history courses are “too woke”? Well, at Salisbury University, we have the class for you! Come take wester-uh I mean world civ with Bart Talbert, and you won’t have to learn about anyone who isn’t white!

THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY OFFICIAL BLUESKY ACCOUNT OF SALISBURY UNIVERSITY! All others are poor imitations or possibly even Craig Willis. MAKE TOMORROW YOURS, YOU SORRY BASTARDS!

Get pumped up for the football game! Our 300 big beautiful brawny D3 kings are gonna make absolute mincemeat out of the wack ass team from (school no one has heard of since they got sued for unlawful segregation in the 60s)! GO GULLS!!!

Just tried to ask president lepre for a cute post idea for our official school account and she threw a clipboard at my head :/

There is no asbestos in devilbiss

Sick of people complaining “ohhh I got sick from eating commons” “ohhhh I spent all night on the toilet” have you considered how expensive it is for us to buy the food the state prisons rejected for being too close to expiring? Ungrateful

Ugh it’s soooo annoying when people commit hate crimes on campus :/ why can’t we keep the homophobia level at a low simmer like always