Worst Job: stripper in Antarctica. "Nuh-uh, the longjohns stay ON!!"

And Muppet Moses said unto the Pharaoh, "Set your piggies free!"

Just heard about a thing called "marble racing"...How the heck do the drivers stay on??

I love garlic - I eat so much of it that I'd never have to fear vampires. A werewolf would probably consider me exquisitely seasoned though, so 50/50.

I was asked what would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. I had to think about it for a minute, but I settled on murder. She wouldn't even have to kill *me*, could be anyone! Some folks may not agree with me, they might say I'm being too picky, but I don't care. That's where I draw the line.

I like to make bitter derisive comments, then take them back and apologize. I call it "sarcatch and release".

Building a hoard of obsolete currencies is on my ducat list.

Bad tattoo idea: an Expiration Date

Coming In to your parents (admitting you're hetero)

When people leave hinge do they become unhinged?

Last night I danced at a popular club where DJ @!!+??*&^% played literally banging beats, using records of Loony Toons sound effects.

Last night I dreamed I was just...sleeping. I had a nice place under low-hanging pine branches where nobody could see me, and I napped and napped. It was a very pleasant dream. Unfortunately that didn't translate into being more rested or energetic than usual today.

In my dream last night, a friend described someone's illness on a cellular/molecular level instead of with general symptoms. This morning she mentioned she'd just started reading a book about how mitochondria work. Synchronicity, synchronicity ... www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5FP...

I've heard that if you start Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' album at the beginning of the Peanuts Christmas TV special, Charlie Brown "kills" his tree just as the vocal starts in 'The Great Gig in the Sky'.

BREAKING NEWS: Rice Krispies mascot retires; Snap and Crackle meet their new associate Pete

Whenever my boss comes by my desk, I always make sure he finds me working at a brief pace.

Things that sound like euphemisms, but aren't: - Lubing the tractor - Filing a motion - Feeding the Mogwai - Binging a season - Instigating an uprising - Abrading a callus - Grooming the stallion - Traversing the beaver dam

Most famous seas of the Moon: Mare Tranquilitatis Mare Imbrium Mare Epoppins Mare de Lune

I was reading an article about how to clean up/"simplify" your online presence, and one suggestion was to "Delete forgotten accounts". ...If you've forgotten them, how are you going to know to delete them??

He eats a chocolate cake He eats a gluten-free cake He eats a vegan cake He eats a keto cake --Chumbawumba, 'Cakethumping'

Carly Rae Jepsen dug deep into her lit-nerd background for her follow-up hit single: Hey, I just met you But I feel naval So here's my story And Call Me Ishmael

ok but could an infinite number of Shakespeares produce the complete works of Francis Bacon

Infinite monkeys with typewriters doing their best: Orang-eo and Gorill-ette Merchimp of Venice Two Gentlechimps of Verona Ape's You Like It Merry Bonobos of Windsor

Just once I'd like to see a beautiful woman at a party with long hair falling over one eye in a sultry manner, like happens in the movies. Just so I can casually walk up to her and say, "So - not a fan of depth perception, then?"

Carly Rae Jepsen dug deep into her lit-nerd background for her follow-up hit single: Hey, I just met you But I feel naval So here's my story And Call Me Ishmael

AU where Aang is born into a society of road construction engineers, and thus becomes The Last Tarbender

The rise of HTML began with the <big>!</big>

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who own a bathrobe/dressing gown, and those who don't.

Movie idea: An adventurous archaeologist has to deal with an acne problem after eating rich Lebanese food - "Indiana Jones and the Pimple of Toum"

Last night I dreamed I stayed up until 5am. It was so convincing that when the alarm rang, I called out of work due to lack of sleep.

I'm too proud to let people know I have an ego.

Have you ever slept so hard that when the alarm clock rings you've reverted back to Australopithecus brain, and have to slowly work out "What that noise? How make noise stop? What mean 'numbers'? What mean 'time'?" before your brain finally figures out how to make your hand hit Snooze?

"I just flew in from the coast - and boy, are my wings tired!" -- bird hack comic

Ask not for whom the rama lama ding dongs, it ding dongs for thee.

Last night my hand fell asleep, which ironically woke me up. Once I massaged it awake I was able to go back to sleep.

I was in a store when an ad for who-knows-what playing over the music system said "Free never sounded so good." And I thought, when has "free" ever sounded bad??

Tonight on The Simpsons: "Batman Embiggens" - the Caped Crusader rehabilitates master criminal Mr. Cromulent.

They say that you should clean your toothbrush often, due to the potential presence of bacteria in the room where it's usually stored. I regularly clean my toothbrush by putting a dollop of cleaning compound on it and vigorously scrubbing it with my teeth, followed by a thorough rinse.

I don't know why people get all torqued over the difference between N-m and lb-ft.

It is said that Rasputin had dry skin, and was famously a lover of the Russian creme.

"Let's talk about poetry" he said, And it made my heart fill up with dread: Anapestic tetrameter's Best shtick is weltschmerz, So I opted to escape to my bed.

Sweet plums, I'm takin' these Who am I to ask mercy I raid the icebox to find some sweets Everybody's looking for breakfast

The noisiest pharaoh was Tootenhohnken.

I've heard there's lots of things you can do if you have the wherewithal. Unfortunately, I've never found a wherewithal I could afford.

I'm currently in the middle of writing what will surely be a #1 Country hit; it's called "I Been Spittin' in the Wind of Our Love".

I just heard someone on YouTube say "There is so much depth to fonts!" and I thought "surely that would be width?"

Why are fractals unpopular? They're so full of themselves.

What do the French call wine with breakfast? Le Pinot Dejeuner.

That first sip of bean juice with cow squeezin's and bee spit in the morning - ahhhhhhhh...

The narrative principle of Chekov's Lever: If in the first act we have a wrong lever, then in the second act it should be pulled. Otherwise why do we even HAVE that lever?