BREAKING: Disney+ is to replace the two-season run of Andor with a recut version that runs for only five minutes, and is just Mon Mothma apologising profusely to Darth Vader for any inconvenience, and letting him have whatever he wants.

BREAKING: Universal Studios announces a new attraction will replace Race Through New York with Jimmy Fallon. The new attraction will be Race to Escape Fascism with Jimmy Kimmel

DID YOU KNOW? Each morning, custodian cast members working in Epcot's Land pavilion must vacuum the wall carpets before any guests arrive to notice their mysterious control over the laws of gravity, achieved by eating nothing but hydroponic tomatoes and nine pound lemons.

BREAKING: Universal Orlando has renamed one of their popular coasters to be called “R.I.P. Ride Rocket”

BREAKING: Walt Disney Animated Pictures announce a new live action CG version of Sleeping Beauty in which all three fairy godmothers are resealable food storage containers

BREAKING: Disney announces limited time merchandise for closing of MuppetVision 3D

BREAKING: Disney officially opens Epic Muppets theme park. The park, centered entirely around the Muppets, includes an AA cooking show in a Swedish Chef land called “Isle of Børk”.

BREAKING: Garfield and Nermal attraction will feature prominently in new Disney park coming to Abu Dhabi.

BREAKING: Epcot announces that the newest version of Test Track will explore how, after a 35% increase in 2023, the electric car industry is thriving for companies that aren’t led by unlikeable billionaire fascist weirdos. The attraction will be renamed “Elon’s Energy Adventure”

BREAKING: Disney unveils a new chain of workout studios that will allow guests to experience Pilates of the Caribbean.

BREAKING: New line of high-fiber fast casual meals and snacks coming to a reimagined food court currently under refurbishment at Disney's Pop Century Resort. During this time, guests may see or hear loud noises in the area.

BREAKING: Epcot’s Test Track sponsor has changed from Specific Motors™️ back to General Motors™️.

NEWS FLASH: Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be removing the muppets from MuppetVision 3D and instead putting them in every other attraction in the park

BREAKING: Disney imagineers have released their plans for a new monorail with one less track.

BREAKING: That white ibis, who ate your fried chicken sandwich at Geyser Point when you were weren’t looking, was just diagnosed with arteriosclerosis by a doctor ibis.

BREAKING: Our interest in Twitter.

BREAKING: Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL announces an early closure tomorrow, just in case Hurricane Milton tries any funny business like teleporting to Lake Michigan

CONFIRMED: Universal Studios Orlando have released an announcement assuring guests that their new How to Train Your Dragon land will not be named “Isle of Twerk” as has been reported elsewhere.

CONFIRMED: Hershey park apologizes to guests for mixing up the mocktail “blood bags” at their Dark Nights event with the donations collected by yesterday’s blood drive.

BREAKING: Epcot announces that the Land Pavilion boat ride will be rethemed from plants to meat and the water for the boats will be replaced with gravy. The new ride will be called “Living With the Lard”

BREAKING: Lost in the hubbub of D23 was the announcement that Magic Kingdom will be replacing Main Street USA with an outlet mall in which each storefront is solely merchandise from a different film.

CONFIRMED: Walt Disney World imagineer shocked to learn that cars can’t drive on water

EXCLUSIVE: Magic Kingdom Vice President declares the overhaul of Magic Kingdom, started yesterday, to be complete for some reason unrelated to all the plans that were announced.

CONFIRMED: Disney has launched the Disney Treasure — their first cruise ship themed entirely to the film Treasure Planet

BREAKING: Disney has announced at D23 that, for its 55th birthday, the Haunted Mansion doom buggies at Disneyland will be sped up to 55mph today

BREAKING: Disney to open “Hooters’ Restaurants” in Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland, Disneyland’s Critter Country near Winnie the Pooh ride, as well as in Epcot near Imagination Pavilion.

BREAKING: Due to the Crowdstrike antivirus update, no one in the Magic Kingdom will be able to ride “If You Had Wings” today

CONFIRMED: Country Bears have returned to Disneyland, singing modern hits in their own country bear style including: Big Al: “The 1” by Taylor Swift Wendell: “Not Like Us” by K Dot Henry: The Thong Song by Sisqó Trixie : Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj Teddi: WAP by Cardi B.

BREAKING: Disney’s new paid reservation system, “MultiPass” will allow Epcot guests to book beloved attractions, new and old: - Journey of Water - Communicore Hall - Sit by Walt at Dreamer’s Point - Wonders of Life - Imagination pavilion restroom - Former Restaurant Marrakesh

EXCLUSIVE: Exciting new vehicle wraps coming to buses at Walt Disney World

CONFIRMED: Silver Dollar City has opened a new family roller coaster themed after the restroom near Pecos Bill’s in Magic Kingdom.

BREAKING: Disney Imagineers in Epcot begin imagining what a reimagined Imagination Pavilion would be like if they ever used their imagination to imagine a new Imagination.

BREAKING: Disney announces new walkaround characters from some of your favorite Disney and Pixar animations have arrived at Lighthouse Cay to join in celebrating this exciting new Disney cruise excursion destination

CONFIRMED: We currently have 1000 followers too many.

BREAKING: Epcot Vice President declares the overhaul of Epcot, started 7 years ago, to be complete for some reason unrelated to all the plans that were announced.

BREAKING: YouTuber releases scathing 3 hr review of role playing with spouse in bed at Disney’s All Star Sports Resort

CONFIRMED: Sea World announces new Super Atari World will be based on some exciting scenes from your favorite Video Games

BREAKING: Universal announces that Harry Potter lands will expand their Butterbeer lineup this summer with the additons of butterbeer-flavored car wax and butterbeer-flavored hemorrhoid cream

CONFIRMED: Disney has revealed that they will never announce the acronym for Tiana's Bayou Adventure

BREAKING: Disney announces new theme park will be built in Florida, to be named “Disney’s Epic-er Kingdom”. The park is rumored to be themed after a random mixture of films made by Disney and Disney-owned studios, unlike their other Florida theme parks.

Yeesh. Amateur hour.

BREAKING: Disney announces a new festival coming to Epcot this year. The Food Folks and Fun Festival will celebrate families, clowns, and foods that are high in cholesterol.

BREAKING: Concept art revealed for Celestial Gardens area in Universal’s new Epyx Universe.

BREAKING: Universal Orlando Resort has revealed that their newest theme park, Epyx Universe, will be entirely themed to competitive sports video games from the 1980’s made for the Commodore 64.

EXCLUSIVE: DIY Teddi Berra kit now available at Shop Disney for $69.

BREAKING: Disney Zootopia land coming to Disney's Animal Kingdom, but it will be limited to 2' x 4' life-sized model of Little Rodentia located under a disused parkbench, making it the smallest land in any Disney Park.

CONFIRMED: Disney to replace Frontierland in Magic Kingdom with Frogland

BREAKING: That One Ostrich Egg on Kilimanjaro Safaris still hasn’t hatched yet

BREAKING: Walt Disney’s plane will be on display for guests to enjoy next year

EXCLUSIVE: The imprisoning of elder Norse gods such as Odin beneath the Norway Pavilion when Maelstrom was replaced by Frozen Ever After has finally been traced back to the actions of Loki.