They’re always putting weed in cookies and gummies and soda and shit. I want a weed salad with some lean weed chicken breast

Picked up my dad from the assisted living facility that the state pays for and his first words when I saw him were “9 billion dollars. They stole nine billion dollars of childcare funds”. And I didn’t argue with him because he’s very infirm and I don’t see him much and who does that benefit

Otherwise suburban libs who vote solidly blue turn into raging class-antagonistic reactionaries when you suggest that wealthy landowners should pay their taxes

It’s that time of year when they make up a bunch of colleges to play in all the bowl games that they also just made up. TICU defeats LC State in the Huffman’s Cola Beverage Bowl. Okay, I guess?

Dude. Achilles just drags Hectors body all around? It’s pretty fucked up. It’s, like, very much too far. Kinda, like, not okay? I think?

My comments on this post have been very negatively reviewed!

A Christmas Tree is probably the only pet you can buy where you can keep its dead body around for a little extra time after it goes and it’s not that weird

Limiting their screen time is so hard in this crazy modern world

Nixon: Its the goddamndest thing. You click the cookie, get a million cookies, two million cookies. Unimaginable Kissinger: Yes Mr. President

Why does the NYT games app need a “wrapped” feature? And why is it sponsored by pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly? This feels like a shit post but it’s 100% true

Legit maybe the best reg season football game ever. #seahawks

British people don’t have to talk like that. It’s a choice they actively make every day, innit

Antinatalist animal lover who gets really upset when you call them a cat dad

Does Guitar George, like, know all the chords in this particular song or does he know *all* the chords?

I bit my cheek pretty hard on accident like a week ago and now there’s a big sore of my cheek right by my back teeth and it’s ruining my life

Would literally rather go to therapy than watch Materialists again

Okay, playing out the first rivers touchdown with “what’s my age again” is pretty funny

Mahomes got sacked and the announcer said “he is devoured back at the 37”. Devoured

What, like, indefinitely?

Dude at work with the absolute drip today

K-pop daughter, Black Hole son

The dentist said that I didn’t really have to floss if I don’t want to because “you’re so good at swishing”

The cat woke me up at 1 this morning cause his bowl was empty and wouldn’t take no for an answer

In a Plurb type situation I’d be plurbbing out. Like, I’d feel so left out if everyone else was plurbed up and I was just alone and unplurbed.

It’s December. I am trying to sit in the dark and watch movies and play guitar all day. And this awful sunbeam is invading my space. Can’t wait for the flood

I think the reason I love Baby Driver so much is that it’s an iteration on GTA. And GTA is the best action movie game(s) ever made. Baby Driver is the most GTA movie ever made.

We’re just about a decade away from them being able to do Stranger Things style nostalgia trap stuff for 2000s movies and, like, what does that even look like. MCU revival shit? The MCU is already its own nostalgia trap shit. The Mean Girls didn’t go on any adventures…

Gen z M*A*S*H be like sewer slide is painless

Me, meeting my first Irish person: Wow, amazing, can I touch your hair?

What if you had to feed your computer food instead of plugging it in and it had a cute tummy and a mouth it could smile with?

One time, when she was like 6, my little sister “got into baking” and she added, like, 10 eggs to boxed strawberry cake mix. I said it just tasted like pink scrambled eggs and my dad got mad cause I made her cry

There’s a dude walking around who just is Sheldon from bing bang. Everywhere he goes people say “you were big bang Shelton” and he says, yes, that is me. What a life.

Just did speed dating (wouldn’t do again but wasn’t awful or anything) and the lady I liked the most was very clearly Asian, like an immigrant from Asia and she started the conversation with “So where do you think I’m from? Guess”

Considering logging onto instagram just so I can follow the mashed potato bong girl. Instant classic video.

You know how cats will come chill with you and try to participate in whatever you’re doing (paws on the keyboard, etc)? I read once that they appreciate when you join them in their thing. Whenever I see that Franklin has something interesting going on outside the window I go watch it with him

POV: the nerd has stopped talking science talk and is about to show you how time travel works in a way you might understand

Oi mate yew go’ a loisence fo’ tha’ ki’ee?

Had to cancel on band practice yesterday and on guitar lessons today. So if it really is about the notes you don’t play I’m fucking killing it.

Tweaked my lower back on a squat at the gym. Barely made it home. But it didn’t kill me so I think I’m doing the gym right? (I might have to go to the doctor)

Trool eyes trulize True Lies

According to the Red Cross app I have donated three gallons of blood and I really wish they wouldn’t tell me that shit!

I’ve said for a while now that MTG is a much cannier politician than anyone really has given her credit for

The Harper’s gooner guy has been making the podcast rounds and it’s got me thinking about the NFL red zone channel

Watched a video about this dude who shoots a bow and arrow really fast and the narrator was like “and we don’t know why these techniques were forgotten”. Uh, cause it’s a bow and arrow, it’s been a novelty for a long time, like they had guns in 1550 lmao

I genuinely believe that, because of how fast thoughts occur, and how sort of vague a thought or consideration can be in one’s own mind, that if I were to be in a plane crash I would at some point think “this is a dope way to go though”

I don’t even want to imagine what a psychologist would say about this: taco bell fire salsa is actually just fine on Cali pizza kitchen frozen pepperoni pizza that Ive bought from the store around the corner four times in the last seven days

Every time I watch a cat or dog drink water I’m just so thankful that I have hands and that they can hold full cups of water. I can’t imagine drinking water that way. One of life’s greatest joys is just housing a tall glass of water when you’re thirsty. They don’t have that :(