Me, on my deathbed: Please, just go brush your teeth. My 7 yo, who is at least 57 by then (I hope): I just need to show you this dance first. *proceeds to floss while I shuffle off this mortal coil *

Me: I really need to cut back on sugar. Also me:

Sometimes all it takes is one more tiny stressor to upset the apple cart and then I’m crying at work again.

Imagine how many murders people got away with when Thanos snapped. “Oh, that asshole? He just disappeared. Must’ve been snapped.” (wipes blood off hands)

12 Days of Christmas… Mom edition: 12 presents for wrapping 11 meals for cooking 10 loads of laundry 9 outings for planning 8 rooms to vacuum 7 stockings for stuffing 6 beds for making 5 bathrooms cleaned 4 batches of cookies 3 grocery trips 2 airport runs And a ham to put in the oven

What in the everloving fuck.

Not Lucy reading a TV Guide with herself on the cover. Like a boss.

I haven’t posted anything here yet and the longer I wait, the more I feel like it has to be a super good post, so now I feel all this pressure to make this post amazing. But how do I do that? Sincerity? Humor? The perfect mix of both? Should I comment on current events or share something personal? I