With great power comes a great electric bill.

Riding in an elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming and crying. You'd think one of them would ask me what the heck is wrong.

If broadcast radio was invented today it would be controlled by four companies and locked behind a paywall.

“Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people, but they’ll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.” — Frankie Boyle

A true war of liberation. Look at all that carbon getting liberated.

Oh, sorry! I thought you said the battle between 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥 and evil. So, yah, I’m out.

Imma strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

Adulthood is realizing Superman comics aren’t fantasy about how good it would be to have power; they’re a fantasy about what it would be like if someone with power was good.

Airport: Come, like, three hours early. Me: Okay, what gate do I go to? Airport: Not telling until last minute.

The Dow is crashing. Someone let Pam Bondi know so we can talk about the Epstein Files.

I have never — NEH-ver — been attacked by an Ide, in March or any other month.