What did the melon say when his grass looked too dry? I guess it’s time to watermalawn. 🍉💦🌾

A wig factory was robbed and three tons of hair were stolen. Police are combing the area for clues. 🪮🚓

My buddy wasn’t the world’s greatest proctologist. But he was right up there. 🍑🩺👨‍⚕️

A notorious arsonist died recently. His buddy paid tribute by saying, “Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”🚒🔥💡

Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh are going on vacation… Of course, they only packed the bear essentials.🐻🐻‍❄️🧳

My buddy accidentally sent a naked picture of himself to everyone in his address book. Not only was he embarrassed but it cost a fortune in stamps. 📓📬🍆

How did the hackers get away from the police? They ransomeware.💻🏃‍♂️🚓

My buddy said he finally went on a date. Everything was great till she asked boxers or briefs? He said depends.. She left!! 🩲🩳🧷

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods. But it is harder to deter gents!🙋‍♀️🧺🧼🤷‍♂️

What does a plainclothes detective wear on his days off? Fancy clothes. 👮‍♀️👔👗

Did you hear about the dyslexic baker in the army? He went in with all buns glazing. 🔫🥐💥

Did you hear about the shuttle full of Elvis impersonators that crashed in Las Vegas? No one was hurt but they were all shook up. 🎰🚌🎤

Why doesn’t Ronaldo ever have to clean his room? Because he’s not Messi 🇵🇹⚽️🇦🇷

Just realized Trees have no teeth. Because they are all bark and no bite! 🌳🐕🦷

What did the shirt say to the pants? Sup britches!. 👕👖

My wife and I went to Australia to adopt a marsupial. But we were told we aren’t koalafied.🐨🇦🇺

How do you keep a bagel from running away? By putting lox on it! 🥯🍣🔐

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative…… I’m about to have a Religious Movement!!!🍫💧⛪️💩

What do you call a monkey holding dynamite? A Baboom! 🧨🐒💥

Dogs aren’t the only animals you can train. I had a goldfish once and it could break dance on the carpet. But only for like 20 seconds. 🐕🐡

If you order an axe from Spain and have it shipped. You will have a foreign axe sent! 🇪🇸🪓

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock? A camera takes photos a sock takes 5 toes. 🦶📷🧦

Braille is so easy to learn. You can even do it with your eyes closed. 👀✋📖

Women prefer natural diamonds over lab grown ones. Because digging up something from the past is better.💠💎🪏

Our cat thought she was a super cat. But as it happens she is a meerkat.🐈😾

What happens when 2 snails get into a fight? They slug it out!🐌🐚🥊

How did the hamburger introduce his new girlfriend to his buddies? Meet Patti. 🍔🥩💕

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones I’ve been getting lately! 👀🖤😘

Doc: I'm just waiting for your X-ray. Girl: But I've never dated anyone named Ray. Doc: And we might do a brain scan. 🩻👨‍⚕️🧠

Why did the celery break up with his girlfriend. She wasn’t right for me, so I really don’t carrot all!🥗🥕💔

2 men using bathroom at a funeral home. One looks over and says morning. The other says “no just taking a pee” ⚰️🍋

It’s ok to buy a nun a drink occasionally. But, whatever you do don’t get into the habit!💒🍷

What do you call a rabbit that was raised in a hotel? An INN grown hare! 🐇🏨💈

Have you heard the new song from “The Janitors” It’s sweeping the nation. 🧹🇺🇳🎶

My buddy just quit his job as a lawyer to become a dog breeder. He prefers boxers over briefs.👨‍💼🐕💼🩲

Guy standing on corner asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said that’s ok give me one of those. So, I handed him my hydro bill! 💸🧾🤑

I once worked with a lady called Eena. Whenever anyone would say hi, Eena. She would laugh her head off!🤣🐺

I was surprised that Elon Musk is from South Africa. You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car! 🇿🇦🚙🔌🇲🇬

Oh baby I missed you!

If you identify a UFO as a UFO, does it then become a FO?🛸👽

How can you tell if a snake is dangerous or not? Check its browsing hisstory! 💻🐍

Our new cannibal neighbours invited us over for dinner. Apparently they were fed up with their old neighbours. 🏠🥩

Pigs are the only ones who do not use the restroom before leaving the bar! Instead they go wee, wee, wee all the way home. 🐖🍸🍋

What do you do when Starbucks or similar are not open or within reasonable walking distance? Drink hotel lobby coffee…..🤮

What style of pants do ghost hunters wear? Just a paranormal jeans.👻👖🕵️‍♂️

How do you get Lyme disease on the moon? From Luna ticks. 🌓🤪🪲

Dude robs a bank with 2 cd’s glued to his glasses. The teller hands him the cash, but asks “what’s with the CD’s?” He replies “this is my Disk-Eyes”! 👓🥸💿

What did the baby chick say, when its mother hen laid an orange? Look at the orange momma laid?🐓🐥🍊

What does a Mexican Duck say? Guac guac!🦆🥑