My mom always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Well mom I finally did it. Balance: $9.11 ☎️💸

Woman yells at old man. Punish me daddy I’ve been a bad girl! With a sigh the priest says “for the 10th time, it’s forgive me father I have sinned! ⛪️🛐

What’s the easiest way to cancel your appointment at the sperm bank? Call and tell them you aren’t coming.💧😰🫙

My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night. Damn near poked my eye out.🧏‍♀️👀

What type of music do optometrist listen too? Eye tunes. 👀🎶

Have you heard about the depressed plumber? Apparently he has been going through some shit! 💩 🪠🚽

Woo hoo!

I have a joke about Italian cheese. But Big Parma won't let me share it.🧀🇮🇹

Woohoo!🥳

A tiger went to a doctor for back pain. The doctor touched the tiger's back and asked "Is this the spot?" The tiger said "No, that's a stripe."🦁🐅🩺

Two guys walking and see a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that" The other guy says, "you should probably pet him first"🐕👅🎾

A Jehova Witness came to the house yesterday. I invited him in and made him coffee. I asked what he wanted to discuss. He replied, hell if I know, I never got this far before. ⛪️☕️🤨

My wife is a radiologist. We met when i came in for an x-ray. I always wondered what she saw in me. 🩻💕

A dental hygienist and a manicurist entered a boxing ring. They fought tooth and nail. 🦷💅🥊

I asked my wife what she wanted for valentines. She said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I got her nothing. 💎💝

I finally saw my doctor and showed her the rash on my groin. She just ignored me and kept pushing her cart through Costco. 👩‍⚕️🛒🍆

A survey was done on ladies preferences of men’s legs. 10% said they like long legs 20% prefer short legs The rest prefer something inbetween.📊🦵🍆

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.🚼🪿🏗️

There is a new Disney movie about a transgender whale. It is called “Maybe Dick” 🐳🍆

I went to a costume party dressed as a screw driver. I turned a few heads!🔩🪛

Bad news on the stock markets today. The producer of Charmin touched a new bottom. Thousands of investors were wiped clean. 🧻🚽💩

Once, I was in a porn movie! I was the husband who leaves the house before the plumber arrives.🪠🎥🎞️

Our local barber got busted for dealing drugs. Crazy, I’ve been going to him for years and never knew he was a barber.💊💈✂️

What did Simba say to the slow bus driver? Movfassa!🦁🚌

What did the beaver say to the tree? It’s nice gnawing you!🦫🪾

Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends? Because he was married!.🕶️💍👨‍🦯‍➡️

A scientist created a laughing gas that also works as a laxative. It’s just for shits and giggles.🃏😜💩

After kissing my wife on the couch she said “let’s take this upstairs…” “Ok,” I said. “You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.” ❤️🛋️

Did you hear about the girl who ate bullets? Her hair grew out in bangs. 🚄🔫👨‍🎤

What do you call 2 octopus that look the same? Itenticle!🐙🐙

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. I just did a sew-sew job.🧵🪡

How did the university student cross the ocean? On a scholar-ship.🎓🛳️

How do you cook toilet paper? You just brown it and throw it into the pot! 🧻🚽💩

At the thieves convention, there was a standing ovation for the guy who specialized in stealing boat parts. He took a bow. 🦹🚢

Did you know clocks refuse to work when they get too ticked off!🕛🤬

Today we can expect rane, thundur and litenin. A bad spell of weather.☔️⛈️🅰️🅱️

I told my doctor that every time I bend down, I see Mickey Mouse and when I stand up, I see Donald Duck. He said, "It's okay. You're just having Disney spells."🐁🦆

Got kicked out of the coffee club for wearing a tea shirt.☕️👕

My mom always said, “Nothing good happens after 2am.” I thought she meant I should party less in college. Then I found out I was born at 2:03am. 🕛🧑‍🍼😭

Did you hear about the guy that was caught stealing hearing aids? He was given the deaf penalty. 👂🦻

Why is the NCAA National Championship being played in a Monday night??

Interviewer: Can you type fast? Me: Yes and many other words as well⌨️🅰️🅱️

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies when you cook bacon and bake cookies?🥓🍪👨‍🍳

All these people are getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, but I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme. 🇳🇬👑 🛕

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested in the produce department? He took a big leek. 💧🍆🥬

Scientists have created a dolphin with legs. Animal rights groups want the legs removed. Scientists argue that would defeet the porpoise. 🐬👣

If you get an email with the subject line “Knock Knock”! Don’t respond to it. It is a Jehovah Witness working from home! 💻🚪

What’s worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ!🦞🦀🎹

How much does grandpa weigh? Just a little more than a gram. ⚖️👴👵