My son said, "today I watched a guy do 50 pushups, do you think you can do that?" I said, “of course, don't want to brag but I could watch someone do 100 pushups.”🏋️‍♂️

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth. Well, they usually have a sea section.🧜‍♀️👶

Wanted someone to design a big boat for me to carry some animals, so I consulted with an arkitect.⚓️⛵️🦁🐻

Why did Miss Piggy end her engagement? She was afraid of Kermit-ment.🐷🐸🖤

A limbo dancer married a locksmith. The wedding was low key.🔐💕

Why did the ocean and pond break up? The wanted to sea other people. 🌊🏝️💕

What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones? A barkaeologist.🦴🐶🏛️

Doc: Do you believe in astrology? Patient: No, why? Doc: My thermometer just broke & Mercury is in Uranus!🌡️🤒🪐

Suzi Sultana has been cheating on her husband with Randy Raisin. I’m just keeping you up on current affairs.🍇💕

When you fart it can be either silent or loud And then there’s the turd option.💨💩

Some people eat bulbs. Maybe it's a nice light snack.💡🍽️

My dad's sister is French and always angry… She's a croissaunt! 🥐🇫🇷😡

I just move 20cents from my left pocket to my right. It was a pair-o-dime shift!🪙🪙💲

What do you call a guy with Botox lips….Phillip👄💋💄

Scientists have crossed a watermelon with a cauliflower. People who eat the new vegetable get a sense of sadness known as meloncauli. 🍉🥦🥺

Vegan: the chicken you are eating had a family! Me: that’s why I ordered a family bucket…no-one gets left behind. 🍗🐓🐣

I saw a fir tree with bacon growing from it the other day. Turned out to be a porkypine.🥓🐖🌲

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift. 🎈🍈 🎩

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t! It just craps on the floor!🐓🥪💩

Last year I joined a support group for anti social people. We haven’t met yet!🙈☺️

Let’s take a poll. Are you in favour of horse puns? Yay or neigh?📊🐴

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? FO-Drizzle!☔️🎶🎤

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can’t make a vitamin!💊😘🤦‍♀️

People who live in glass houses should have sex in their basements!🪟🥰

A man fell into a meat grinder making sausage. That’s an extreme way to die to be frank.🌭

Life is full of uncertainties... Or am I wrong?⁉️🤨🤔

I recently read that laughing for 5 minutes a day is as healthy as going for a 5 mile jog. So I sat at a patio bar yesterday, laughing at all the joggers going by! 🍺🏃‍♂️

Watching game 7 of the World Series and a hockey game breaks out!🤣🤣🤣

My buddy had a mole removed from his penis. The SPCA told him if it happens again they will press charges! 🐁🍆🚔

Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween? Because it dampens their spirits! 👻🌧️

I was at a party when a monster rolled his eyes at me, so I rolled them back on the floor to him.👀🧌

What do you call an Italian lady of the evening? A Pastatute! 🪝💙🍝

I wish I was a kid again, so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap !😴💤

I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries. 💡🥴🤕

Bruce Lee had a brother who was never late. His name was Earl Lee.👋⏰🥋

Antarctica is very cold and inhospitable. Maybe that’s why Uncle Arctica left her.🥶💔🧊

You know what was even more useful than the very first telephone? The second telephone.📞☎️📲

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!🤴👸🍔🥤

Gotta love mid wives, they bring out the kid in you. 👩‍⚕️🚼🧑‍🍼

What do you call a mute owl? Anything you like. He doesn’t give a Hoot!🦉🤫🤐

What happens when you drop guacamole on your feet? You get avoca-toes.🦶🥑

Covid, Ebola and the flu walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of sick joke?”💉🩺🦠

My buddy just got fired from the sperm bank. Every time a guy walked in he would say! “Get a load of this guy”🍨🧴🍆

My buddy’s cannibal girlfriend finally convinced him to sleep over. She promised to make him breakfast in the morning.💔🥩🥞

Why did the clock get kicked out of class? Because it was tocking too much.⏰👩‍🏫

Did you hear about the guy that tried to rob a blood bank? He was caught red handed.🩸🫥

What was humpty dumpty’s favourite season? Autumn, he had a great fall! 🍁🥚

Not many people know this but I majored in “Dad Jokes” in University I studied Sigh-Cology. 🎓📚📝

What do Canadians eat for Thanksgiving? ‘Turk-EH!🇨🇦🦃

This morning I coughed up a pawn a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection. ♟️😷