I think the worst part of this is that people are going to get the wrong idea about white South African Boers

Guy who didn’t do the stoic reading who wants people to think he did: ‘I think it’s, uhm, all about ‘finding the balance’, right?’

Me (to someone I hate and wish bad things towards): ‘Ya man you should totally check out ‘the internet’ and spend a ton of time on it, definitely, you’d love it, totally’

Who would bring a Young Sheldon into a world like this?

AYSAB (Assigned Young Sheldon at Birth)

‘Doc, I do not have ‘Seasonal Effective Disorder’; I’m not effective in any season’

'Ok, that's a pretty big 'thorn', Mrs. Lincoln; but what was your 'rose'?'

When he has a birthday 🚩🚩🚩😥🚩🚩🥴🤧🚩🚩🚩🚩🇦🇽🚩🚩🚩🚩

Me at the register: ‘Bring to me the sick puppies, I would like to tell them to their face I’m not rounding up to the nearest dollar, tell them I’m rounding down, tell them they owe me 32¢, I would like for them to know this, now’

I think Marshall Law is bs, don’t want Eminem telling me what to do

'...' 'You don't like it? You don't like it' 'No it's just-' 'You wanted a Playstation, I know, but this is better! It's a Pray-station!' My child, quizzically: 'Can I worship Ba'al on it?' 'N-n-n-nooo!!'

You want me to ‘trust scientists’, the same people who were responsible for Jurassic Park? Get real

Going to go to a Shen Yun performance with headphones blasting ‘Dark Side of The Moon’ to see whether it syncs up/ the Mainland belongs to Taiwan

Blue Raspberry Orchard

So fucking tired of hearing people saying 'google is free' You know what’s even cheaper? Shoplifting from your local university bookstore.

‘Siri amount of seed oils to have Anya Taylor-Joy eyes, please’

James Brown intros are hysterical, like: ‘Do we have an ETA on the funk? Has anyone tried calling the funk? I guess we should just give up on finding the funk; unless…?… !’ Then he drops the funk and it’s totally worth 40 seconds of chatter about the funk

To have the right to speak about quantum physics you should have to pass a written test, a drug test, and a general personality/ vibes interview that assesses whether you’re gonna be weird about it at all

When someone says to me 'That's a good point, when you said: ' I can't hear anything that follows bc I am washed away by the tide of my vanity repeating the thing I said in my head without listening to the followup, sorry

'Ya, she had a female man bun' 'A what?' 'A female man bun'

A dude playing the long game in the friendzone is a 'Patience Acquaintance'

My Signature Tarot Move is a very advanced spiritual technique, which is: ‘Drawing Until I Recognize the Card’

Drake singing voice: ‘🎶 You-u-u should follow me into my cellar, girl, there is a cask of wine I think you may enjoy, yeah-eah 🎵’ Drake rapping voice: ‘Actually the cask was entirely a ruse and now I am entombing you in the cellar, unh, the entire premise was contrived, for revenge, yeah’

A ‘Gelag’ is a prison community where you ‘Give Every Lesbian A Guitar’, which sounds nice, until you realize they will all date each other and write the saddest music ever heard about falling in and out of love with each other

STFU = 'Smithsonian? The Folkways?? Unparalleled..' LMAO = 'Love me An Old weird Americana' CTFU = '(How) Could The Future (ever) Understand?' ROFL = ‘Radio on folk, loud’ g2g = ‘Guthrie to Guthrie’ nbd: 'NO Bob Dylan' OMFG = ‘O (brother where art thou soundtrack is) My Fuckin Groove’

*Somebody posts a picture of some random place* Somebody who is giving themselves an implanted memory: ‘You guys, this is going to sound crazy, but I think I’ve BEEN there 😲’

I was going to say ‘’I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ is polyphobic’ but it’s out of season, like a peach in January

Reminder that if you ask somebody 'what's up?' and they reply ‘chilling’ that it is possible that they meant by their response that your question horrified them

‘3 Step Account Verification’ (There’s a box to check that says: ‘Do you promise you’re you?’ and another one under that that says: ‘Do you pinky promise?’)

Technically life has a fishing minigame

RIP Franz Kafka social media would have fried your brain but you wouldn’t be able to stop using it

‘Mom, can you come pick me up? Weak men are creating hard times’

‘You GUYS, I was TALKING to my FRIEND about the INTERNET, and then when I WENT ONLINE later what did I SEE if not THE INTERNET ONLINE!! You guys I am TRYING not to PANIC but it's like we have NO PRIVACY ANYMORE!!’ -Some idiot whose data isn’t even all that good anyway

Kid at the sleepover who's insanely good at Yu-Gi-Oh but no one likes: 'Idk, maybe we could play... Yu-Gi-Oh... ? Just a thought'

Do you think that when he was bad Robert Frost’s mom was ever like: ‘THAT’S it mister, NO more melancholy contemplation of the natural world in the American Northeast as a canvas on which to paint the human condition, I have had it up to HERE with you!!’

Drone strikes a wedding in Queens, New York, chuckles to himself: 'Barack, you've still got it'

‘Everyone carries a room about inside him. This fact can be proved by means of listening. If some one walks fast and pricks up one's ears and listens, say in the night, when everything round about is quiet, one hears, for instance, the rattling of a mirror not quite firmly fastened to the wall’

‘Is America ready for a ‘Short on the sides/ taper + long on top’ president? Some say: ‘Yes’’

Ice breaker: ‘Soo where do you like to hang out?’ Wrong answer: ‘As close to the center of the blast radius as possible’

‘I’ve achieved enlightenment, but have chosen to remain, here, to laugh at you’

If you tell your therapist to ‘f*ck off’ during a session God turns the game off without saving

Me when I turn the page to '1914' in Kafka's diary: lmao buckle up you stupid fucking idiot

On his last day Biden gets a pizza party, and to watch a movie (he does not get to pick the movie)

‘I’m mad; I’m ‘download the text of your profile’s ‘About Me’, save it to a USB, put that USB in an envelope and then yell at the envelope’. Ya; THAT mad’

Lesbian. Cis Gay. Transfemme. Theyfab. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Theymabs attacked

Awfully bold of twinks to live well into their 30s

I don’t want to pay $15 a month to Masterclass to hear Martin Scorsese wax pretentious about his ‘craft’, I want to black out with Harmony Korine and somehow be a better director even though I can’t remember a single thing we did while blacked out in Miami 🙄

END OF EMPIRE WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF EMPIRES HOW LONG DO EMPIRES LAST LARS VON TRIER ‘MELANCHOLIA’ (2011) STREAMING ONLINE FREE FUN AT THE END OF EMPIRE ETHICAL FUN AT THE END OF EMPIRE UNETHICAL FUN AT THE END OF EMPIRE FAMILY GUY FUNNY CLIPS COMPILATION

They should have sweatshirts like the college ones that say ‘WESLEYAN’ or ‘DARTMOUTH’ but for whichever anti-depressant works for you, you’d be able to strike up conversation with other people who like Zyprexa or Strattera, who maybe are similar to you on a neurophysiological level, it’d be fun