Someone enshittified my pants

GORDON RAMSEY: This bloody steak is atrocious. It's like you cooked it on a fucking toilet seat! OWNER(Talking Head Segment): Gordon is out of his mind. We do not cook our steaks on a toilet seat [IMMEDIATE CUT TO BLACK & WHITE SURVEILLANCE-STYLE FOOTAGE OF THE CHEF COOKING A STEAK ON A TOILET SEAT]

AI Jacked Me Off And Now I Love Elon Musk

Anyone interested?

DJs aren't fooling me. I know half the shit you're twisting and sliding on that board is just a fidget toy

I'm gonna be late for work boss my dog is on my arm and is snoring

I wish I was joking. Like I literally wish I was out somewhere kidding around

If all I've had to eat today is one protein bar for breakfast. What am I allowed to have for dinner

When shit is cool as hell that fuckin rules

I'm built different. My opinions actually are those of my employer and do represent their beliefs

My first name is Gurper

My neighbor told me her name 2 years ago when I moved in and I instantly forgot it. So I call her Kelly Shitass

My dog scared a cat into a tree, then I discovered there's a mouse in my cupboard. I've been transported to the plot of a TV show set in the 50s

I hope I'm never in a "comment on a content creator's video with a too-much-information story about how they helped me get through dark times" situation

I saved a turtle from a busy road today. I'm officially "Good For The Week"

I sincerely hope I'm never "start/sign a change.org petition" desperate about some piece of media I like

It's raining thems

They should make a GLP-1 that you can smoke

piss is my holy weapon

Bro has no zest for life 😂 bro holds no whimsy in his heart 😂😂😂

Twenty One Stone Temple Pilots

Lego hotdog

This is a huge time for people who love Friday nights

My name is Anime LaManga

Any time I find myself watching a video of someone recording from their car I like to imagine water slowly rising outside of the car window as the video goes on

I love gleaning things

Tried to be the "gym before work" guy today and I don't think I'm ever doing that shit again

heading to the Normal Store to pick a few things up

My dad just texted me to tell me Kyle Busch died which doesn't mean anything to me but is probably the worst thing to happen to him since 9/11

The #1 way to respond when your boss asks you why you did or didn't do anything is "all will be revealed in time"

Dr. Drapes

Bungie will not exist anymore by the end of next year

It pisses me off when a YouTube channel ends their video talking about how I'm valued and special and all that shit. Shut the fuck up. I'm watching a YouTube video right now

The Boys comic was also a thing that was pretty good at the start, mostly because it was very unique and provocative at the time, then got shittier and shittier until it reached it's very stupid and weird ending. So for all the differences in the show they actually were pretty similar in the end

So sorry to the many people who I'm sharing my streaming service subscriptions with, I just cancelled all of them

The Merovingian and Grogu

Meet me at pump 4 at the Love's in South Hill, VA in the next 5 minutes if you want to beat my ass

Every few months something pops up and reminds me that Toby Turner got accused of sexual assault, disappeared from the Internet then returned as a racist hyper conservative psycho. The nugget biscuit nugget in a biscuit guy

I do miss this area sometimes. Then I'm here for more than three days and remember why I left

I have that unshakable feeling that I should go outside and "enjoy" the place I'm at for work but also the place I'm at is just Alexandria Virginia. I have been here a million times. Also there's nothing to enjoy

Does anyone want to be one of my day ones? I need some so I can switch up on them

A fun way to make already annoying people online super mad is to bring up how the scene where all the characters come out of the portal in avengers endgame is one of the corniest things to ever appear in a movie

Back in DC for 2 and a half hours, the perfect amount of time to be here honestly

He wanta use the pillow like. a person.

First they dug through the ditches, and I did not speak out—      Because I did not have ditches. Then they burned through the witches, and I did not speak out—      Because I was not a witch. Then they slammed in the back of my Dragula—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Name your child DisplayPort

Sometimes my dog will lay down in bed and put his paw in my open hand then fall asleep and it makes me wonder why I choose to stay at a job that makes me travel hundreds of miles away from him for 5 days at a time every few weeks

Do you guys think I should put a skill point into Constitution

I miss the burnout series so much sometimes

lots of different creatures out at my grocery store this evening