On a real note why can't you send images in DMs on here yet. I would be having so much more fun talking to crypto scammers

I have an alarm called "evil alarm" which is only used when I'm really feeling anxious about not waking up for something. It's always set for 3 minutes after the normal alarm I'd set and uses the beginning of the song Run the Heart by Sleigh Bells which is extremely unpleasant to wake up to

Losing all feeling in my arm seems worth it when my 90 pound dog is laying on it but he's snoring real big and drooling like he's never been asleep before

If you work for a live streaming service and make six figures you should have to live stream your workday every day

Is it okay if a white boy has a cheat weekend instead of a cheat meal? I think a white boy really needs it right now mentally

Cook Out here, and not those freak Cook Outs that you can go inside of and sit down

If you park way back in a parking lot where no one else is and someone parks next to you I think you should be allowed to slash their tires

Milord, I simply 'aven't the toime to suck all these dicks, please 'ave mercy milord

I smell vile right now. Real Friday moment

It's that wonderful time of the week... That time when we can say "happy Friday gamers"

A number of absolutely wild conversations going on in this taco bell right now

Don't let me catch you out here being named Santiago. I mean it

Was wondering why I've been getting lightheaded every time I stand up then realized I've been eating like 600 calories a day since Monday

Missus Facts

Mister Opinions

One thing that has been eating me up all year is that I never got a response from the person selling this on Facebook. I wanted to buy it so badly

If you were to buy something worth $10 right now what would you buy

Yeah, That's Piper™

The Seahawks game came back with no commentary playing for a couple minutes and it kinda ruled

The toilet that hates you

This restaurant is slow and everyone is an asshole, I hope the food also sucks shit

There's a kid in line to board the plane behind me who is absolute dog shit at improv. His mom and dad are trying to participate in his bits and he just shuts them down immediately

Nice serifs... It would be a shame if someone sansed them

Send just one tit for Thursday

I think I'm gonna go tomfool later if anyone wants to come

There's a lot about the trajectory of our society I would be willing to look past if they made a Peanut Butter M&M that made you healthier

Heading over to Mister, does anyone need anything

They were spot on when they decided to call it Mr. Goodbar

Jonathan Exwife

When I enter the battlefield I create two 0/1 Egg tokens

Running out to catch the trash truck with a booger on my finger

*trying to find a bathroom but I just suffered a significant blow to the head* any piss joints around here

Recite thrice the gamer's oath if you wish to enter these sacred grounds

THE UNTHINKABLE HAS OCCURRED: you only brought 10 extra pairs of underwear on your 3 day trip and you just shit yourself for the 11th time

Failing a quick time event on a work call resulting in me saying something racially insensitive unprompted

We are in the midst of what experts are referring to as a "Piper Day"

The Lost Tomb of Zendaya

What are we talkin about what are we mad about today. Oh please don't make me find another twitter site I was only able to bring like a twentieth of my following over here from twitter

My official title at my job is IT Transition Manager but gets shortened in our HR system as "IT Trans Manager" so if any of you are in IT be sure to report to me before you do anything

Keeping a couple peanut butter m&ms in my beard for when I'm on the go

Dude stop spinning the sign I can't read it. No don't flip it in the air I'm trying to see what business it is

I thought APY stood for Annual Per Year

I think the most profound thing I've ever seen was a guy hauling a boat and he had a decal on the boat that said "life's too short to own an ugly boat." And to his credit it was a very nice looking boat

There's a guy that looks like Quavo smoking an old timey pipe outside of my hotel in New Orleans. If anyone was wondering.

strike me down and I will become more Serbian than you could ever imagine

Last time I was here all I did was get drunk and walk around. What do you do in New Orleans if you don't drink anymore and can't eat seafood and are trying to stay on a restrictive diet. There isn't even a place for me to go impulse buy magic boosters

Cruld

I love when there's four processes called ai.exe taking up half of a user's system resources

I can't do a fun Halloween themed name really because the word fright is already in my name. Luckily for me during the month of October I become the being known as Hell Fucker by night

I'm going to start an ice company. It can't be that hard right? I have so much ice. $3 for all the ice in my freezer right now