A Father gets up "Morning Son! Did you sleep well?" The Son speaks "If I ever slept, you would not have awoken. You need me to sustain life on your planet" Evidently this outburst from The Sun caused life to be extinguished on the surface anyways, so rip

I migrated most of my standalone tweets. Let me know here if you find any that are broken

olitical parties determined by favorite variety of cheese

Oh . The library. The fucking library

omeone flipping you the bird? Make bird shadow puppets at them

f you find a penny on the ground, flip it heads down, and leave it there

Crowdstrike teaches why you shouldn't test on production

omeone should make a game like Sword Art Online where instead of dying in real life when you die in game, you just have to re-purchase the game and start from scratch

he real reason that cash is retired from circulation, is to make it more difficult to bring large sums of money back in time

Shadow IT as a Service" or "ShITaaS" for short

kele-glow: Any time you break a bone or crack your knuckles, you light up like a glowstick

love notifying people of critical external vulnerabilities, especially when they flat ignore them, saying "it isn't an issue", only for them to get breached this exact way

I don't understand how they could have gotten in!" Says the company running MS Office 2010 on all their endpoints, downloading all attachments, clicking on all links, and having an unpatched Exchange Server

eople may fear the singularity as portrayed in fiction, but I fear the capitalistic nature of the race to achieve it. A new war brews as each faction gets closer to their goal

apsaicin gummies for nasal decongestion

insert generic comic book rich guy villain monologue]

ating app that records the face of the person swiping, sending you the reactions to your profile

ew Policy: Only individuals with verified accounts will be able to post using the letter E

I platform that actively harvests data from all available sources to generate convincing alibis for any situation

latform for publicly betting on when celebrities or other individuals will die. Payouts will be given to the users with the closest relative times

virtual reality platform that allows users to experience the lives of others, but only by completely erasing their own memories and sense of self

annon Commuter: A rapid transportation system that involves shooting people out of cannons directly to their destination.

tarting next week, I will be implementing a "musical chairs" policy in the office. I will be removing one desk a day, as such, employees will be expected to arrive at work early. The last one to arrive each day will have a box ready for them

ongrats Earth, reaching 8 Billion schmucks on the planet

apologize for that impending sense of doom you may have experienced earlier, that was just me testing something. Please carry on as normal

ow do you put on your shoes

Pigeon

urge you all to buy label makers. There is nothing stopping you from printing out random IP addresses, and placing them on random objects in conspicuous circumstances

o you ever think about how t̸͍͉͇̖͊̂͗̀͘ơ̵̢͎͉̭̳̘̼̣͇̮͂̓̾̄̐̏̄̌̄̈́́̽̍͋̚̚n̶͉̠̭̠̦̥̠̣͉͕͋̉͂f̵̖̭̮̺̞̤̺͕̠̦͙̍̾̈̾͒̽̉͊͐̎̌͘͘͝ĭ̶̡̨͕̰͓̥̠̖̬͈͖̤͔̣̓͐͗̾̚͜s̶̩̖̠̹̭̝͕̭̆̓̂͊̆̽͛̓̌͑͂͛̕͠ķ̵͎͖͙̒̐̓̆͠s̸̠̫̔̾́̋̾̊ä̸̛͕̒͐͛̈́͠l̵͙̯͓͚̘̬͐l̴̛͔̥̭̫̳͎̀̌̌̒̌͗̌̂͛͋͆͝ǎ̷̢̺̼͉͖̲̟̦̺͔̥͐̄̀ď̴̢̧̠̙̜̤̣͓̫̲̳̭̱͎̈̊

hen I'm am driving with Google Maps, and it alerts me to a speedtrap, I like to dismiss it as a false positive. For extra chaos, I'll put fake speedtrap markers in other random places just to get speeders to slow down elsewhere

ou know, if I were Spider-Man, I don't think I would be afraid of spiders anymore

vil

wo-part poison that is sprinkled on different orders of fries. That way, Terry can't steal some of my fries without paying the price

t begins....

hy haven't we removed the `s` from fast food?

nnouncemints Package your special messages as a forcible vocal override that also freshens your recipient's breath

ish roe boba tea

alapeno Flonase, guaranteed for instant nasal clarity

inner gets an underpaid developer job

he fungus is coming

o inspiring 😍 To prepare for his return as Anakin Skywalker, Hayden Christensen broke into 3 different orphanages to practice slaughtering children

s winnie the pooh an isekai?

hat cheeses would make the best "Three Cheese Suit"

ow much would it cost to buy the US Government? Politicians are bought all the time, I'm looking to cut out the middle man

s Mike and Ike short for Michael and Ichael?

o real people actually follow me? Or are you all just bots. Asking for a friend

o we have today, and tonight? But why don't we use Todafternoon?

Pigeon

n app to lock yourself out of specific features on your phone with math or puzzles for when you go out drinking. Can't unlock it til you've sobered up

lright, I've got to ask, where did *you* originally know Captain Falcon from?